The Trife Life Memoirs: The Girl with the Curl.
i can admit my short comings all day long. Some im ashamed of, some… but most of them? I could really giva fuck, Honestly. So with that. I can admit to the world. That I aint shit. I know it. The muthafuckas I kick it with know it. My Parents know. My friends and family know it… well… my friends and the family members I do kick it with, we all aint shit lol. The girls I fuck with… eeehhh some of em know lol. Which brings me to the story I promised to type out. Anybody that read the longest entry in blogger history knows what im talking about.
I remember a few years ago, I had a friend on the internet… and some how some how… me and her cousin developed a liking for each other. I don’t know how this shit happen. But anyway… to make a long story short. She died. ( damn huh? Lol ) Or at least that’s what I was told. I don’t know what really happen, shit… it’s the internet… and honestly… my friend, eeehhh im not sure if she was all there. it happens. Fuck it, lets just say ol girl died. What I was told is she got in a car accident, she got hit by a head on driver. Crushed her skull she didn’t make. To be honest. I didn’t know how to feel, I was ALMOST certain she was a real person lol. But with Megans ass ( my friend im talking about ) you never know. I talked to megans cousin a couple of times, and she had a lovely british like accent. She was from South Africa. ( she was Black, cant fade the pinkos ). But yea… ok she passed. But my experience with her left me with a thing for girls with accents. I think they are sexy as fuck. ( some of them )
So some months later. I was in this chat room. And I met some girl from Africa… but she was from like… a northern country. Like Algeria or Ghana or some shit. Over a couple of weeks I got to know her… she was kinda local. I was living in Fontana at the time. And ol girl was in like… Anaheim or some shit. We talked… her native accent was great to me. She was cool. But let me tell you. Rule number one of meeting ANYBODY off the internet. You HAVE to see their picture first. I don’t give a fuck what the situation is.
At the time, I knew this. But, there is this thing about me. I must constantly entertain my self. I have to, ill go insane. I get bored EASY… easy easy.. So through out my life… I have done some bullshit just to entertain my self. People call me a asshole or whatever yap yap yap. Honestly I do half the shit I do because I think its funny and to keep from being bored. It may be fucked up to other people, but it be funny to me. If you’re reading this and you have any kind of intuition, you can probably see where this shit is going.
One day… I was bored off my natural Black ass. And I decided. Fuck it… imma go see this girl. I aint got SHIT else better to do. Please don’t ask me what this girl name is/was because a nigga like me has no recollection of what it could possibly be. Lol would it be fucked up if I referred to her as ABS for the rest of this entry? Lol im not gonna do that. Nobody will guess what that means… and im not gonna tell lol. 1000 points to the muthafucka that can guess tho lol. Anyway. I had a lil bit of a reason to see her anyway. This girl was talking about she gave bomb ass back massages and she could make my dick hard by giving me a lap dance. I knew better… I know my self. I don’t get hard offa lap dances unless Im SURE ill be cuttin. And I made a lil flirtatious, nasty nigga that I am bet with her… I told her… if she couldn’t get me hard… she had to give me head. ( yes I can be kinda bold like that. But we was already on that page plus we had also talked about her felatio talents… so I wasn’t disrespecting her in the least bit. This was just the conversation ) she was down, so clearly she wanted to do it anyway lol. Im not stupid lol. So we had that bet going on for a couple of weeks before I got bored as fuck and decided to pay her a visit. So yea I hit her up… and im out the door.
I get to her flat. Mind you, I had NO clue what this girl looked like. But I thought to my self… well… if she is ugly, at least it might be funny. FYI: most girls who spend all day chatting… are ugly. Yup. I said it. I don’t giva fuck. Im kinda drunk right now. But id say the shit sober. 80% of the girls that chat all gotdamn day ( at any point in their life ) aren’t the easiest on the eyes. The other 20%? Them muthafuckas is crazy, or have SOME kinda big ass problem that you don’t want to deal with lol. Which means… either way you go. These are a group of muthafuckas you PROBABLY don’t want to deal with… nobody does lol that’s why they have a whole buncha time to fucking chat lol. Now… remember. I said girls who spend ALL day chatting im talking about in chat rooms / and these days on message boards… not those people who get on the internet… socialize for a couple hours maybe and be about they regular ass life. So I don’t wanna hear no bullshit. Lol I know who the fuck im talking to/about. Lol
So yea… I get to ol girls house… and honestly. I don’t remember what she looked like. But she wasn’t pretty. She wasn’t hideous. Actually she could have been… but it was dark or dim light most of the time I was over there… so I didn’t get a good look at her. Lol so yea… she coulda been. And I only really say that because… tonite I was at a club and I was drunk and it was dark and I had on my fuckin inebriation-focals on. And at the end of the night when I was sobering up and the lights came on… I looked around and felt betrayed by some of the muthafuckas that was in there. like… HEY! Wasn’t you way more attractive than this like, an hour ago? Fuck? Lol
Anyway. So yea… who knows how ugly she was. But if she wasn’t attractive in dim light. Decent lighting would have told the painfully ugly truth. But… lol BUT! What I COULD see in the dim light was the fact that this girl had a muthafuckin jheri curl!!!! That shit was MOIST! So it was catchin pieces of the light n shit. She opens the door… HI!!!
I did the, is this foreal neck forward squint thing real quick like… HEY! THAT’S A JHERI CURL!!! I was fucking flabbergasted, taken back, shocked, appalled, all that shit…all at the same fucking time. Sigh… I walked into her apt like… well, I aint got shit else to do! Lol and it will probably be funny one day. Fuck it.
This is where I should have just been REAL fucked up and turned around like man aint no way in the fuck. She reached out and gave me a big ass hug. And put her head ALL in my chest. Now… I was 6’4’’ at the time I was 18 ( im 6’6’’ now ). EVERY girl is short when it comes to me. She put her WET ASS jheri curled ass head in the middle of my chest! I looked down at her like GASP!!!! NOOOOOO!!!! I had a brand new shirt I had bought a week or so before. Man fuck! She pulled back and a nigga had a BIG ASS jheri curl stain on his shit!!! Like I said… I should have turned around at this point. But waiting for me. Was a hour long ride back home and a bunch of nothing to do. Fuck it. Lets see how this plays out.
So im posted… she grabs her self a drink. And says… yea… we are gonna have fun… I just need to get a drink or two in me to loosen up a bit.. yap yap yap. So… she sips on a lil glass of henn dogg… and we are sitting there making small talk and what not. I was bored once again… saying to my self “now nigga… you can be bored by your muthafuckin self… with out a girl with a jheri curl, making feeble ass flirtatious ass remarks, and just save your self the trouble, chalk it up as a lost. “
But did I follow my advice? FUCK NO! I stuck that shit out… besides… imma good listener… I can listen to a girl babble on and on for hours and really be interested some how lol ( in most cases ). All of a sudden she breaks out… OH! I didn’t show you my bedroom.
I should have broke for the fuckin door dogg.
I get to her room… and she was like yea… so… how about that back massage? You still want it?
Fuck it? Why not? I takes my shirt off and lay out… im a REAL untrusting ass nigga… I don’t trust NO fucking body lol I kept my eye on her thru her mirror lol. I thought she was gonna scalp my black ass or something. I don’t know. So im laid out and she give me the wackest back massage ever in the history of back massages. The only way it would have sucked more is if she could have got the hard end to some fucking Velcro and started scraping that shit hella hard on my fucking back. A few min pass. and I I think to my self… ok… how can I get her to cut this shit out. She sucks. Lol this is where I fucked up lol. I say… so yea. Whaasup with the lap dance you been swearing by?
Oh? Yea… let me put on some music!
Im not gonna lie… she was ugly. But she was thick as hell. She was a butter head top to bottom. She had FACE! ( and a jheri curl ) But the rest of her was actually great.
Too bad her lap dancing skills surpassed awful by like 40 fuckin yards! I mean… hell she had her back turned to me. Her body was niiice. She’s from AFRICA! The place where ALL ass shaking originated! I was thinking I was gonna get that motherland special. This should really crack right? WRONG… WRONG! Man fuck.. that shit sucked lol. But… she did give a decent effort. She went a whole one and a half songs, turned around and felt up my man… who was M.I.A. because I was FAR from turned on. She looked at me like… youre not hard?
Gave her a head shake filled with disapproval, yet a “sooo, yea… you remember the bet right?”
She did… and she was down, enthusiastically I might add… and then she went down. And ill be a fucking tap dancing walrus if that wasn’t the worst head ive EVER gotten that didn’t involve teeth. ( she had teeth… she just didn’t use em. Thankfully ) It was sad really. What was REALLY sad tho… in a reactionary like movement… I put my hand on her head at one point… and DOH!!! Hand fulla fuckin jheri curl juice!
FUCKING SHIT! I cant win for SHIT!!! But you better fucking believe I wiped that shit off on her fucking shoulder and her gotdamn bed!
Sigh… ok… so how am I going to fix this shit? Ummm… say she has a nice pair. Maybe she will be down for that pearl necklace. And what do you know? She was! Hot damn! Maybe shit will turn around for a nigga and I can salvage the night! This works, this works! So I give her a pearl necklace lol.
Im done, satisfied, didn’t look down. Because I thought I was gonna laugh in her face to see a pillow stained with jheri curl juice. And I was trying to nut, fuck the dumb. So I do she got her a set of pearls and im thinking cool… this wasn’t so bad after all. Then she rubs on me… and looks at me… OJ, do you have a condom?
GASP!!!! FUCK!!! No this girl does NOT want to have sex! Gotdamn!!! And that’s where I drew the fucking line! I was NOT about to have relations with a girl with a fucking jheri curl!!! NO!! fuck that! My morals my be questionable but fuck that shit! NO!
Think fast nigga! Its time to break the fuck out! Im not gonna even LIE… I considered grabbing my tshirt and running the fuck out her apt. on some she got a gun shit. Sadly… I couldn’t bring my self to do it. Plus… her brothers was in the other room. So I couldn’t just run out screaming like some crazy nigga. Although id admit to being crazy for even going over there in the fuckin first place. I KNEW better lol. I fuckin knew better lol. Why does it seem like when you KNOW better than to do some shit. The worst shit happens?
Ok ok ok… think fast nigga… its time to pull an escape. Sigh… traggicly, I have more than several stories where I had to “escape” fuckin with some girl. So I tell her… umm yea I gotta condom… but its in the car!
YES! I bought me some more time to think! Cool! So she got up and took off/cleaned off her new pearl necklace in the bathroom. Closed the door. And my mind is fuckin racing. Then… on some cartoon shit… a big ass light popped above my head! So, this is what I did lol.
She was talking to me the whole time she was in the bathroom… so I couldn’t just sneak the fuck out lol. Which I DID think about. Lol this had to have been in 97/98 because I had my pager on me… and that was the last year I had a pager. I was 18 right out of highschool when this happen by the way lol. I picked up her phone and paged my self! Now… if you’ve ever paged your self… you know it take a couple of seconds to come thru. While I was waiting… I didn’t want her to say I was lying by saying that I had some kinda page and I was making excuses to leave now that I done busted one… so I went and stood by the bathroom door real quick… and that shit went off loud as fuck right when she was walking out, about to try to hug me again! Saved by the beep. I looked down like… hm? 911?????? My house?? What in the fuck is wrong? Lol and like I knew she would… “ hey… you should probably call to see whats going on… here, you can use my phone”
I reply all innocent and worried… ah yea thanks. Cool.
Sigh lol I picked up the phone and dialed the fax line into my house that was basiclly the message center on my computer. And fuck. I wish I would have saved my self on the mock call. Honestly… my quick thinking was fuckin brilliant because my DADS voice was on the outgoing message… and I held the phone a lil bit away from my ear and was close enough to her so that she could hear somebody on the other end of the phone talking. But not close enough so that should could make out my dad saying “ Hi, you’ve reached yap yap yap yap yap” after the greeting went off… I kinda walked away… and started to basiclly talk to the voicemail lol “ DAMN! Really? Wow? So what you need me to do? COME HOME?!?! Now?! Im WAYYY In orange county! I know bu…. But… damn… alright. Im on my way… give me a hour…. ok ok ok… im coming right now. Now im not gonna kick it… I know… I know… im coming right now. You want me to come right now don’t you? Then imma hang up the phone and be on my way!”
Looked over at her… and says, what happen?
I tell her, yo… my dad said he was getting ready to go to work… and the radiator exploded when he tried to put some water in and his shit is all over heating n shit now. So now I have to go home and give him my car so he can go to work.
Lol im not stupid “overheating” and “radiator” most girls know these car words and they are usually associated with something bad. So the fraudulent tragedy was well in place. And I was in the clear! But now with out one more Jheri curl head hug before I got in the car… and my shit was dry from the other one too. I drove all the way back home smelling like fucking jheri juice!!!! I was pissed! Before I left. She told me… call me later. We can continue where we left off. I popped open my glove box and showed her the condoms in there and smiled like yea it cracks…
Drove the fuck off… never called, and only heard from her once. When she hit me up on instant messenger some weeks later. On some… so I guess you don’t like me huh?
“That’s about the size of it.” Was my response. And I never heard from her again. I came home that night… and logged on to the net… and told the homie max ( of Bolivion.com ) or the homie John ( some may know him as BMG ) the story on yahoo instant messenger. And this nigga had a pretty good laugh. Lol what can I say? It happen… it was the guts lol I laughed on the way home. And had to give my self a high five for my quick thinking and managing to salvage the little bit of self respect I had left, lol if any lol.
Now… I know what a lot of muthafuckas are thinking right now… “ that’s why your black ass aint ever gonna find nobody because you aint shit! “ or “ that’s fucked up! You aint right! “
Well yea I know this. I can own up to my faults and wrong doings. I know when I do wrong. I know when I do right. But im ok with that. Im a man… I can live with the choices I make. I may get frustrated at times and type 10,000 word entries ( I didn’t count im just saying ). Honestly. Im ok with the person I am. I only have one TRUE regret ever in my life. And the rest? Eeh fuck it, it happen lol. When this happen… and most of my trife life stories… I was young. I was up to no damn good lol. And truth be told. Im probably paying for that shit now some how some way. And if I am… it HAS to end eventually lol. I didn’t do HALF the shit I knew I could have gotten away with. So its bound to end eventually.
But shit like this happens when you know better to do some shit. Lol but for some reason. Im ALWAYS doing some shit I know better than. And every single time it’s a unique case. Something or Someone ( in most cases ) makes the situation special. So you break your rules. And you jump into some shit, knowing how its gonna turn out. Knowing you’re really setting your self up. And then, when the shit you know that will be true, manifest its self into here and now. All you can do is sit back and say to your self. I fuckin knew better. But like I said. I have no regrets. Im honest with my self. And a lot of times I really do enjoy my self for as long as the situation I know better to get my self in cracks. And when its over. It sucks. But that’s how shit like that is. But I find more times than not. Its well worth it.
But this shit… this shit I just typed out, that I knew better than? Oh… I was just bored lol. And that’s what the fuck I get! LOL Shit like this is why I smoke now. If I was blowed, I would have NEEEEVER fucked with her! I would have never got my ass in that car and drove a hour to some girl house I aint never saw… never! I would have maybe drove to jack in the crack and got spicey chicken sandwich like a muhfucka ( that’s what a nigga used to live on at the time lol ) and that would have been the adventure of the night lol. When im blowed. I usually stop my self from being bored and doing dumb shit like this.
Except the time I broke my camera lol.
Ok im rambling… and beginning to sober up.
Hopefully I wont have a hang over tomorrow. And oh yea… big shouts out to the big Homie God for getting me home safely and not pulled over. I some how manage to sober up every time I have to drive when im fucked up. I actually drive better drunk or blowed (type better too!). If im REAL drunk I might swerve a lil bit. And I never drive when im totally shit faced! That just doesn’t crack.
My head hurts.