The Get Back…

For my new years resolution… I have decided i am taking my life back.
( i do realize that we are a month and some weeks away from 2005 )

From what? from this gotdamn computer… well not really. from my work. thats all i ever fucking do. for the past 4 years it seems like. i dont get any time to my self or for other personal projects. such as this site here, and learning new shit ( which could help a nigga with his work actually. )

So ive decided to only work 8 to 10 hours a day like a normal person. whatever i dont get done in that time, will have to wait till the next day. i think that by me doing this, i will be more focused and more efficent with my work… and get TONS more done.

i work from home, so with that…. i believe that i have all damn day to get what i need to get done, done. and i end up working until its dark early ( dark early = early in the am, when its still fucking dark lol ). i dont wanna do that shit no more… its not getting me where i need or want to be.

i need to be more disiplined and focued anyway… and i believe with this new policy i will indeed get there.

my goal is to be off this gotdamn computer by AT THE LASTEST 10pm… even if im back on by 11 lol. it wont always work out like that. but i have to start some where. if i do happen to be on by 11… i REFUSE to work ( all the way at least… i might have to do minor shit ). i will be doing something for me… like a side project or learning some new shit that im interested in.

also with this… im trying to wake up earlier, but NOTHING has worked since 98. ive been going to sleep inbetween 3am and 6am since i was like 18 n shit… EVEN when i had a job where i had to be up at 5am… i was blackin out around 1 or 2. id like to actually black out around 1 or 2 now… but that shit is damn near impossible. ive tried ALMOST everything… from smoking to drinking ( it works, but it takes a good 3 hours or so sometimes ) to making my room cold on purpose, to whatever the fuck you can think of… ive tried. nothing has ever worked. im SCARED as fuck to take sleeping pills! when youve been inches from death… and can damn near feel your self slipping away. sleeping pills can be the worst shit ever…. ive never taken them actually. but i DID used to drink a big ass thing of nyquil to put me out… which only worked 80% of the time actually. but when i was going to sleep… i used to be scared shitless that i wouldnt wake up. id actually fight sleep for as long as i could. shit sucked. i felt like i was slipping away… i felt just like i did in the hospital on that bed. shit sucks. not only that… but id only sleep 4 hours off that shit. id black out at 2… be up at 8. and then take a nap later on in the day because i didnt sleep long enough. so nyqil is out. i dont know what the fuck to do.
i think imma try reading. the only problem with that is, im a information person, and i can only read nonfiction. thats the only thing that will hold my attention. and it will hold it to the point where i wont get sleepy. but then again, i think a good story would do the same. im not sure tho.
sigh, shits fustrating… i dont know what to do. but i refuse to give up.

anyway… this wont be an easy process for me. but im determined like a muthafucka. im a strong willed person, and i refuse to not have what i want. i get most shit i want… and i will have my gotdamn life back from my work. i fuckin NEED to do this.

i know usually i dont talk about myself too much on this site… but a few of my friends were complaining that they never know whasup with me. so… blam. be happy niggas lol. this is what im going through at the moment. amoungst other shit that i refuse to air out. this is as juicy as it gets with me lol.