The Food Network Porn Channel

pardon me…
im sorta blowed. but im convinced i make perfect sense.

recently, ive been watching the food channel more and more… because my room mate always has it on.
why? she is trying to learn how to cook. shes actually made some pretty good shit. However, previously… like a month and a half ago… this is something she wasnt intrested in, but then one day out of the clear ass blue, its a new hobby of hers. well ok… fine do your thing holmes.
shes getting all kinds of new cookware n shit… it goes down actually, because i was tired of using that ol bullshit, but im not THAT interested to find out whats hot in cookware these days. she is… we got new shit. it goes down.

so anyway… like i was saying. she watchs the food network all the time n shit. it used to be home and garden… but now its the food network. and this fucking channel is the worst gotdamn channel to watch when youre hungry as fuck.
and me… im hungry alot. but apparently im some kind of fuckin “Foodie”, which means im hella picky about what i eat, and wont eat anything i dont have a taste for. which is the unmistakable truth. but im ok with that, and i dont give a flying ass fuck. i cant eat some shit i really dont want. its hard as fuck for me to do. but then again… ive also been accused of being a “control freak” but thats another entry.

well maybe not… because you know what? i fucking hate to be fucking teased! if you gone start some shit… you gone finish some shit or i cant fuck with you no more. and when im watching the fucking food network, and that country lady is on there making the best shit ever in history. i be so gotdamn mad and jealous of her.
i love to fuckin eat. i just cant never make up my mind on what i want, AND im too gotdamn lazy to get off my ass sometimes and make the shit i want. i know i know… i have a problem. but so… i cant help that shit. it fuckin sucks and i cant do shit about it, ive tried.
so anyway… here i am, hungier than a muthafucka… and this lady is on my gotdamn cable that i pay for… teasing the fuck out of me with tasty ass treats. it just aint right. i feel like im fucking paying to be teasted. i feel like im at a fuckin strip club… im putting money in this bitch pocket. yet and still… im not fuckin. i cant even touch this bitch. all i get is attention i wouldnt get if i didnt have some doe to throw in her pocket. and it aint even some satisfying attention… its “i started, but i aint gonna fuckin finish the job attention”. which is really the worst fuckin kind. and what makes it worse? yes… like i said earlier. i had to fucking pay for it. so here i am… paying for cable, giving this lady ratings, putting money in her pocket thru sponsorships and all kinds of other tv doe. but do i get a slice of that great ass cheese cake she just fuckin made?!?!? NO!!! do i get some fuckin super chicken n shit?!?!? NO!!! DO I EVEN GET TO SMELL THAT SHIT?!?!?! NO!!! i am being teased yet again. and have to come out the pocket for it, because cable is fuckin expensive!

So, watching the food network when youre hungry, is like watching porn. its not like watching a stripper at a strip club. at least the stripper at the strip club… she will rub her ass on me for 25 bucks. and if she think im cute, she might let me rub her up if aint nobody gone see. ( fyi: i dont go to strip clubs enough to know that its true. but the few times ive had stripper run ins lol heh.. ) if the food network was like a strip club id at least get to SMELL the food being cooked, and might get a SMALL ass sample if im fuckin lucky. but nothing enough to satisfy my fuckin hunger pains. just a lil tease. but with the food network, i dont get even that… im left totally to my imagination and the visual in front of me. just like porn… you cant brush against no ass or titties… you cant smell the purfume or basiclly experence anything outside of a visual that might turn you on. the only thing you have in front of you is what you can see. and imagine how good it would be.

then that shit goes off… and youre like fuuuuuuuuuuuuck that looked good as fuck. rather its head, or salmon, fuckin or apple pie. youre fuckin stuck with what you dont got. unless you wanna go get it ( or pay for it ) your self.
lol

and the sad thing thru all of this is… i cant turn away lol. if its on… imma watch lol. im talking about the food network. but… people say the same shit about porn!

LOL!!

im blackin out… im sleepy and delerious damn near.

12 Responses to “The Food Network Porn Channel”

  1. LMAO!!!! wow, only you can make up that fucked up analogy, but you’re right. Now you were either watching Paula Dean’s Home Cooking or Barefoot Contessa, was the cheesecake with raspberries and red current jam on top? i just saw that one the other day and I swear to god I went out and bought a mixer JUST so i can make one for the holidays. That shit looked great! I love the food network. thats my second favorite network of all time.

  2. Nigga, What the fuck is wrong with you…LOL Porn Vs. the Food Network….How in the HELL!!!!!!!! (Only one contridiction to point out/or slight oversight to be uncovered)…With porn, you can always use what your watching, and at the same time paying for, to at least pleasure yourself and that don’t cost shit. On the other hand if you want to cook one of those delicious ass meals, your comming out the pocket to buy the items to make the meal, and possibly even pots, utensils, or even apliances…The way I see it there is a bright side to Porn Vs. the Food Network, the Food Network is the DEVIL!!!!

  3. Not only is this shit funny as the fuck, it’s also true as hell!

    I don’t know how many times I have to say it…comedy writing! You are a goldmine waiting to happen!

    Chappelle could use the likes of you!

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