The Chesse Cake Nazi

i think i will retire from making cheese cakes.

ive had two real bad experencies…

the first…
sigh… this shit is devistating… i dont know if i can talk about it. with out crying or some shit.

i made this PRETTY ASS Strawberry ChesseCake. it had a layer of strawberries ( they came in a can ) on the bottom with some of the syrup on the bottom… then the cheese cake was poured on top of that. Baked it, waited for a min…. put some strawberries on the top… in the center… it was beautiful… a work of muthafuckin art even. So… i go to put the shit in the fuckin refridgorator. But.. Heavens to muthafuckin merkatroid…. the shit was still very muthafuckin hot at the gotdamn bottom. What does that mean? did it burn tha fuck out of me?
YES!
But! did that cause me to drop tha shit? NO! i tuffed that shit out!
Did i end up droping that shit tho?
Fucking ugh… YES i muthafuckin did!
What happen?
Well… turns the fuck out that tha gotdamn aluminum… being hot as fuck… was also hella fuckin flembsy. so the shit fuckin FOLDS in the middle!!! colapses in on its self… and i fumbled the muthafucka… even tho i tried HELLA HARD not to do that shit… my efforts were fucking fruitless. i got sticky, SCAULDING HOT ( i burnt the fuck out of my thumb… a big ass glob of hot ass cheese cake got on it ) cheese cake all over my refridgorator and the muthafuckin FLOOR! i was so hurt… i damn near cried… but… i was strong… i held back ( its even hard to now )… i even took pictures of the gorey scene. id post em… but well… the pictures are far too graphic, even for this blogger. ( lol truth is im too lazy and depressed to upload them shits ).
Anyway… it wasnt a TOTAL loss… because yes… in the face of haplessness situation all the repressed ghetto ( and nigga ) tendencies rose up outta my black ass… like jesus supposively did that fatefull day, that came to be known as easter. And i grabbed a muthafuckin spatchla… and scraped that shit up OFF the refridgorator and the floor… BUT i did leave that THIN layer of cheese cake that was actually ATTACHED to and TOUCHING the fucking floor. put that shit on a plate. And called it ” Strawberry CheeseCake Choas ” that shit was fuckin good too!
Sadly though… i could not escape the heart ache of fumbling the cheese cake on the 5 yard line… so close…. but i still blew it.

Now… this happen… i dont know how long ago… the pain however… is still fresh in my heart. But last week… my friend, Errin asked me ( very nicely ) if i would make her a cheese cake… mind you the 2 or 3 before the one i fumbled where nothing short of muthafuckin scrum-diddly-umptious! so i guess she wanted to see what all the hype was about ( i did hype it… the shit was good… they didnt last 36 hours ). i agreed… went to her flat to whip her up one. And what the fuck happens? first of all… my friend… as great as she is… ( let me say that first lol ) has no muthafuckin blender! or hand mixer or anything of the sort… nor a damn mixing bowl lol so here OJ goes… with a fuckin spoon… yes… a spoon… and a muthafuckin pot lol… trying to whipp some thick ass cream cheese and sugar together… OF COURSE i warmed that shit up… but it was still thick as fuck. lol. yes… the wrist got much work tonite… ( inside joke alert ) there will be no kitten murder tonite even if i wanted to lol. i worked up a lil sweat and everything. then… i dont know what kinda shit her oven was on. but i preheated the shit to 350 degrees… slide the cheese cake in there ( Which wasnt lumpy by the way… i knocked that shit out.. i have champion wrist! lol ) . about 15 min past… and im smelling cheese cake? hmm? this isnt right… so i figure im trippin. i go on taking pictures of her dia de los mertoious statue, talkin shit, laughin at bet uncut, chitchatting… but im still smelling cheese cake, and now… the shit is burning… i look at my watch… only 25 min have pasted since i put that shit in!? fuck it… i go check it… and the shit is fuckin burnt! devistated i was, yes. my friends oven is the fucking darkside, it is. how in the fuck can a oven that SAYS it was set to 350… kinda felt like it ( i cook often … kinda lol )…. cook… no BURN a thick ass cheese cake in a record breaking 25 min you ask?
FUCK if i know… im still trying to figure that shit out my gotdamn self. sigh. oh well… but… once more, like a champion boxer who accidently caught that right hook that put him down breifly. all the ghetto rose the hell up outta me ( along with the perfectionist and the pride ridden person that i am ) .. i salvedged that muhfucka too. i picked most of the burnt top layer off… it looked like it should kinda crack… one side was really black… the other side was about my color lol which is still not a good thing. its cooling now… so i guess i will find out if it taste shitty in the morning…. no afternoon. when i am functional and accepting emails, calls ( unless youre name is fuckin John and you wanna call a nigga buckwild early in the morning with tech support questions lol ), and instant messages.

but as it stands at the moment. i may be stepping down from baking cheese cakes. the darkside diet monsters are trying to get me or something… i dont know what the fuck is going on. this is some bullshit… i told my friend i would make her a make up cheese cake, in MY SHIT so it can bake properly… ( and so i can take a big ass peice! )… and if this one turns out shitty. im retiring the oven mitts yall.
NO CHEESE CAKE FOR YOU! or anybody else for that matter… made by oj at least.
imma go to sleep… im honestly sad. two wonderful ass cheese cakes… gone to shit! SHIT!
its a cold world people.

lastly… ive seen the stats for this site… and people get to this shit the weridest ways. like… they will enter the word fuck in a search engine… and my site comes up some how!?! lol damn do i cuss that much?
here are some words i remember off hand that have brought people to this site:

louie vaton — WHAT? lol gotdamn lol
crip — lol
is — ???
murder — fuckin surburban kids.
jheri curl — lol ha ha
flour the kids — lol dumb ass commercial… but why would muhfuckas put this shit in a search engine… 4 people?
concentration camps — ? hell naw?
does halle berry have breast implants — ??? lol umm no 🙂 heh.
dont hate the playa, hate the game — dumb ass shit to say.
gucci farari — this one killed me… lol

but now the word nazi is included on this shit… i really wonder what tha fuck is gonna happen now lol