Something In the Way

thats the title of one of my favorite Nirvana songs. yes thats right… OJ digs some Nirvana… they used to get pretty live. This is going to be long as fuck, i have been thinking half assed typing on this for two weeks now. ive been obsessing over this shit more than usual. and maybe typing it all out will help?

Anyway, ive been thinking about me lately. And i was thinking, chaces are… ill never be married. dont get me wrong, id like to be married. although i cant picture nor imagine that shit at the moment. Or anytime soon for that matter. But one day id honestly like to. but i just dont see it happening. im a hard person to be with. there is shit that i just can not put up with. plus the fact that i refuse to change who i am for anybody. I understand that relationships are all about compromise. and ive been in a few relationships where a compromise was agreed on and it works alot of times. truth be told, im the first nigga looking to compromise. i believe in compromise. but some shit, i WILL not budge on. such as:

Cigerette Smoking. if im with a girl, and she all of a sudden decides to start smoking cigs… im giving her ass the boot. i hate cigerettes. with a passion. i have even gone days with out speaking to my own mom if she has me around some cigerette smoke. and i DO NOT let her smoke in my house… or in front of the muthafucka. call me want you want. i dont care. i hate cigs. its really all her damn fault.
I wouldnt giva fuck if i was married with kids. i catch my wife smoking… im puttin her ass on the street! and i aint lettin her take my kids so she can kill them slowly with her fuckin poison.
truth be told, this isnt a big deal. i would never be serious about a girl who smokes cigs. Weed is a totally different subject however lol…

Christanity/Church/Christmas. Sadly this eliminates a good portion of Black females in this country or any where else feasable. but i dont think i could be all that serious about a christain, church going female. Simply because, im not christain, and i despise christmas, and i REFUSE to go to church ( and i honestly dont want my kids at church ) if my grandfather or mother doesnt put my well being at risk lol. and shit… that really doesnt crack anymore. but hey, its only once a year and it means alot to my grandfather… so i go. UNWILLINGLY AS FUCK! but i go anyway. id never extend that privlage to anybody else, ever. But i couldnt be with a girl who celerbrates christmas. just because i hate it so much. and ill hate christmas until the day, i see marginal profits from the christmas season ( AND I WILL, one day! ) anually. ill be a deckin the halls ass nigga lol. well maybe not. lol. but ill never have the christmas spirit. fuck that. ive actually dated girls who love christmas… and my black ass disapears around that time. i dont want to be around it at all. i dont believe in it. and im insulted when its forced on me. but im thinking, being married to a female who is all jolly n shit about xmas will definitly weigh on our marriage. because im such an asshole about it lol, because i dislike it SO much. i talk so bad about xmas. its rediculious. lol. And as for a church going girls goes. pssh. my life is probably the exact oppisite of everything the christain religion represents. it would never work. im really starting to believe i shouldnt even bother with girls who go to church just SOMETIMES, sinning the day before and the hour after church. It has been my experince that they will eventually go holy on a nigga. which basiclly rules out OJ all together. its happen to me more times that i would really like to remember. i get funny when girls start talkin about church n shit. its like telling me im tempoary. alot of people dont understand why i feel this way. but i have bad experences like i said. lol but my dumb ass, every time it happen… i KNEW better. and still sapped out anyway. put my heart on the line. and everytime single time. they go super jesus on a nigga. and its like thier heart turns so cold to me. it almost hurts, im not gonna lie… it does hurt. but i refuse to let any girl break my heart like that. while ill admit all day to being sad and disapointed about it. heartbreak aint for me. So yea. i cant do that shit. it never turns out in my favor. even if i did try to stick it out. i have my own personal beefs with christains and thier religion. im QUICK to point out when a christain is going against something they are suppose to believe in. how do i know? i was born a christain. i went to christain school ( ingelwood christain school… in inglewood on lebrea and hill or some shit like that ). i have a very good understanding of the whole shit. so my beef is legit. and muthafuckas HATE for me to be on some “youre being a fake christain” “real christains dont do that”. anybody would get tired of my black ass. my policy is: hey look. i believe in God just like you do. i know right from wrong and i dont need anybodys preacher or religion to tell me. ill serve God the way im comfortable with and you do the same. Dont talk to me about your religion and i wont discredit and disprove that shit. and we can be cool lol. its just usually when a girl goes super jesus on me. her WHOLE life changes and she is no longer the person i was attracted to or interested in. she stops cussin. she stops drinkin or whatever. she tries to talk to me about church n shit. they ALWAYS go way out. its traggic damn near lol.so what am i suppose to do? accpet her change? yea… i can do that. but i dont have to be with her ass no more either. because she is no longer the person i was attracted to. lol muthafuckas get divorced over shit like that. and oj will cut yo ass off because of some shit like that lol. it sucks trying to phase they ass out my life. it hurts a lil. but i just cant do it. im not interested in a good girl. good girls aint for OJ. im not saying i want a liar and a theif or no shit lol but the so called straight and narrow aint for me.

This may seem triffling as fuck lol… but i can NOT deal with a girl who doesnt AT LEAST drink. ( see why the straight and narrow aint for me? lol ) and not sometimey about it. im talking about a girl who likes to drink like i drink. not full fledged lush. but somebody who likes to get shit faced on occastion. you know? its werid, when a guy who drinks and smokes weed can find himself a girl who drinks and smokes weed. its like some kinda werid connection. its like you enjoy her that much more. youre just on the same page as that person. i dont know… you have to actually have to be a drinker or smoker to know what im talking about ( let all the muhfuckas who drink or smoke say ” yea huh?!?” lol ). its really nothing i can describe. but like i said. it may seem triffling. but i find that girls who AT LEAST drink and DO NOT look down and have no problem with weed smoking are way more enjoyable than girls who dont drink and dont smoke. reguardless on thier stance on both activities. lol sadly tho… alot of girls who actually do smoke and drink are totally and traggicly devoid of the next thing i REFUSE to put up with lol.

Ambition. i can not be with a girl who has NO damn goals or asperations to do shit. I can not be with a girl who just TALKS about her goals and asperations, but wont get off her ass and get up get out and get something… fuck! i hate hate hate that shit. i dont like girls who are scared of life. who are scared to get out and get thier feet wet. scarey ass females with no damn self confidence. the shit irritates me. i have had to stop my self several times from cussin a girl out over this shit. ive been with a few girls… more than a few that lack ambition… or just talk big shit about doing something one day… one day… one day… and make no real effort about doing it. i cant do it. its irritating. first site of any other female with confidence and self worth. she will steal my attention. and thats not something i want to happen with the woman im married to.

Education. i find that i can not deal with a girl who isnt at least in college. ive actually taken a few girls seriously that wernt in school. but its only because i saw that all they needed was a lil insperation. but yea… girls who arent at least in school. i cant deal with. i refuse to do it. its something about a girl who is in school or who has a degree that can keep my attention. i love smart females. i really like females who know something i dont know lol.

Sexuallity. i can not put up with a girl who doesnt believe she is sexy. because thats all im really attracted to. However, there are some females that are sexy as hell… they just dont realize it. and dont act on it at all. there are some that talk that bullshit about them not realizing they are sexy, but know how to turn a nigga on when they want to lol. i dont mind them at ALL :-D. but i need a girl who want it like i want it. ive known a few. and its some of the best shit ever. i promise. i absolutley need a girl who is confident with her body and her sexuallity to keep me faithful. lol and i wont even speak on how nasty she MUST be, because i cant really describe it with about being vulgar as fuck lol. but i will say…. imma nasty nigga. and i need a nasty girl. lol. and thats just what it is.

Common Sense. sigh… there are plenty of smart girls, who you would SWEAR they was the dumbest muthafuckas ever when you try to give them directions or youre depending on them to do some real world type shit. you can fuck around and lose your gotdamn life fuckin with a girl who has no fucking common sense! i think people over look this often. hell… i used to, til my dad pointed it out to me one day. and ill be damned if i aint cussed some girls all the way out for exemplifiing what it is to be with out an ounce of common fucking sense. gotdammit some of the prettiest muthafuckas, good in school. dumb as fuck off campus. its fucking traggic. dont know shit from shit. this shit is beyond irritating. i cant do it.

Young Females. im 24, i refuse to talk to a girl who isnt at least damn near 22. it has been my experince that older females are just way better to deal with. i didnt like dealing with young girl shit when i was young… and im too old to deal with that shit now. ill admit… i have talked to a girl that was 19 before… lol and when i was 21… i talked to a girl that was 18. ive strayed from this thinking a couple of times. but in both cases… i didnt know how old they both were until i they told me. they were both hella mature and didnt act thier age. ALTHOUGH… they did both eventually act thier fucking age at some point. it wasnt all that unbareable. but in most cases… i wont give a young ass girl a chance in hell. it just aint worth it. they cant keep my attention. they just cant. i only know because ive been down that road more than twice. i found my self bored to tears, and above the shit they enjoy doing. so it doesnt work. im not saying that im “better” than a girl who is hella young. its just that… shit… when you get a certain age… you dont do certain shit anymore. i mean fuck, at some point youre gonna have to talk about somethin else besides whats on fucking BET. I dont watch videos OR listen to the radio. i havent since i was like 14 / 16 some shit like that. i dont giva fuck about what a celeberty does. this is damn near the SOLE reason i only had one girlfriend in highschool. i can get some ass, that aint a problem… but being with a girl… being her man, being commited is something tottally different for me lol. most girls cant keep my attention for that long. and up until this year ( i was just with a girl for a whole year ) i had only had like 3 “offical” girlfriends ever… and none of the relationships saw the 5 month mark. sigh….

ive heard time and time again… oh, OJ… youll find somebody, it just takes the right person. well… im really starting to believe the shit aint gonna happen. im 24 and ill be 25 in may… i realize im “still young”, so? im not a hooker or anything lol. but ive been with my fair share. and it just gets more and more hopeless. there is something wrong with every last female ive EVER been with. some girls, dont want to have kids. cant do it. i want kids one day. why be in a relationship with someone who doesnt? am i suppose to change thier mind? fuck that! am i suppose to hope they will want kids one day? fuck that. thats time out of my life ill never get back waiting on they ass. lol

i was REALLY feeling this girl a while back. but she wanted ALL my gotdamn time. and im sorry… but i work… ALOT. i cant be under a muthafucka like that. she was hella suddle about the shit too. if i couldnt come see her, no matter what the reason was. she would get mad in her own lil way and not answer my calls and i wouldnt see or hear from her for days and weeks at a time. that shit got old QUICK. and to prove im not a TOTAL asshole. this girl im talking about… her smile was less than desirable. she was dead fuckin sexy, she was fuckin gorgious. as long as she didnt smile. it was traggic. im the type of guy who loves to see a girl smile, i crack all kinda jokes and i love to give compliments. just to get a smile. but damn… her smile used to make a nigga bite his tounge sometimes. was it that bad? man… every time she smiled, it looked like she was making a face. you know the kinda face you would probably make if somebody farted and it stunk, but some how it was funny? yea… thats its right there. and at first, i thought i couldnt deal with that shit. but i liked her sooo damn much, i couldnt help my self. i managed to look passed it ( which was a big thing for me ), and eventually… i didnt mind her smile so much. it wasnt great… but it didnt make me crindge like it did at first lol. but it turned out she wanted all my muthafuckin time. imma be honest. i thought she was it for a min. i thought i was DONE with females forever and she was the girl i was gonna marry one day. but, she wanted to be on some bullshit. plus i suspect she is jealous of sylvia. and i dont giva fuck… i can not put up with any female being jealous of me and sylvias relationship. other than that… she was perfect. Tall, Sexy… busty lol curvey, funny as fuck… talked as much shit as i do. drank like i do. smart as hell… ambitious. she was just too far ( she lives about an hour away ) for me to spend every fucking waking hour with her ass… nor was i intrested in spending that much muthafuckin time with her. nothing against her at all. i loved spending time with her. i just need my gotdamn space. fuck… just thinking about it makes me wanna open a fuckin window and get some fresh fucking air! ill even take it a step further to prove how much i really liked this muthafucka. At one point in time, she went super jesus on me. and yea… i left her Black ass alone something cold lol, true indeed. but when she eventually went back to the person she was ( they ALL do… its the guts really ). i was right there. and we damn near picked up where we left off before. but like i said. she wanted something i couldnt give her. i work alot. and my work schedule is pretty unpredicable. my work isnt just work, its my company (mybaby!!), its my well being. if i half ass it. then i half ass get paid, shit… IF at all! fuck that… i cant have that. she wasnt trying to jeapordize that. its just that i couldnt give her what she needed. and she wasnt gonna give me a breathing room lol. so it didnt crack for us. its kinda sad really. she used to be one of my bestfriends. but i couldnt be around her and not be with her. imma all or nothing kinda nigga. she was young too. she just didnt act like it. and she used to say young ass shit… that would irritate the fuck out of me AND talk about videos and celeberties all gotdamn day. but some how some way i saw past all that. except for her wanting something i couldnt give her. she coudlnt put up with it. i couldnt either.

But yea like i was saying, there is always something wrong with everybody. the young girls wanna eventually always do some young ass shit to turn me off tottaly to they ass. and honestly females go thru a couple of changes when they turn 21/22 they really dont know who they are. they ALL think they do. but ill be gotdamn if one day all of a sudden, they just somebody the fuck else! its only human nature really. people need to find themselves. i know i did. i dont know anybody who hasnt had to. but they usually find them selves when they are 21 damn near 22. thier whole outlook on life chances. what cracks one day… doenst crack the next… then all of a sudden, you have a tottally new person on your fucking hands. and its not the muthafucka you were initally attracted to. it sucks really. but it happens. and id rather not deal with that shit lol.

there was another girl… who i used to absolutley love. and we were never together ( Although i did put it on her something cold, twice times!… but she put it on me just the same and it was great lol ). but she was down for a nigga something cold. she had my back. if was gonna do something janky, she was right there with me. she smoked and drank more than i did lol. this was one of the only girls ive ever known who could actually talk enough shit to embrass me lol. she was fiiiinnnneeee fine fine. smart, sexy, had all the common sense a nigga ever wanted. she was close to perfect too. most of the girls i feel strongly about… they remind me of her, in some way. but, i guess with her… it just wasnt the right time. if i would have taken that window of oppertunity when i had the chance, i would have missed out on alot of other shit that is hella important to me. because i would have been stuck in fontana, with a wife, working some dead in ass job. something i absolutely can not do. i refuse to give my life to some dead in job that i cant see my way out of. and im stuck at because i have some one to support. i fuckin refuse lol. besides lol at the time… i wasnt even 21 yet lol i wasnt ready for all that. but i saw it coming. thats the type of girl she is. when i was 20 i couldnt even imagine being with one person like that all the time lol. but now… now. it still doesnt crack for us. I hate her brother ( my sisters boyfriend/ ex/ i dont know what the fuck is going on between them ) to death… literally. for one. for two. all my memories of her are from about 3 plus years ago. she is a different person now… im certainly a different person now. i seen her this summer and another time in the fall. and it was the same. but different. i hear she has been thru a whole BUNCHA bullshit in those 3 years that turned me off to her when i found out. PLUS she was already doing some bullshit during the time she was in my life. so… that doesnt crack… and chances are, never will. really what it is, i dont hang around her to know the current version of who she is. and i still see her randomly and she looks just as good. and i still have those memories. but i realize it doesnt go down.

Ive been really close to alot of girls. but there is always one BIG ASS thing in the way, that i absolutley can not deal with / or see past. and it sucks each and every time. shit, some dont even get that far… they will do or say some bullshit that will turn me completly off towards they ass, and ill be cool on them, foreal foreal. there were a few girls who i wouldnt even be thier boyfriend, because i saw the problem before it got to the point where it would be a problem. and i didnt want to have to break up with them because of that problem. they really liked me… and i really liked them. loved in some cases. but in the end… that one big ass thing that was in the way, manifested its self. wasnt thier fault, wasnt my fault… even tho i saw the shit coming. we’re just different. different to the point where our differences will drive us apart. and it usually does. usually we end up as friends. a couple of girls i cant really bare to even talk to anymore. shit hurts. i even took a chance actually and decided to be with a girl that i knew our differences would eventually surface and we would have to go our seperate ways. i took a chance, maybe something might happen. who knows? lets give her a chance. and i did. and it turned out to be my longest “offical” relationship ever. a whole fucking year lol. we just broke up in december. and honestly i love that girl. she is so sweet to me and she loves me so much, she’ll do damn near anything for me. but we are from two different worlds. she is a good girl. im not cut out for good girls. i need a bad girl lol. i need a fuckin law breaking heathen damn near lol. there is a couple of other things that she does that used to drive me fucking insane. that i wont mention lol ( because she reads this bitch sometimes and im not about to have a week long conversation about it lol ) anyway… in the end. it was just too much for a nigga. and i didnt want to mistreat her and start talkin bad to her because of our differences and because she couldnt be the person i needed her to be really. it wasnt her fault. but it aint mine for wanting what i want either. so i had to break it off. and it took me SO fucking long to do. and it hurt me so much to make her cry and to make her sad. i felt like a fucking criminal afterwards. im not a heart breaker at all. i dont like to mistreat girls who dont deserve it ( but let yo ass be asking for it!! lol ill get down right evil!) shit sucks. but in the end. i had to.

so that didnt work out either. sigh. its hopeless. i promise.
and i know there is some asshole sittin here reading this shit saying to themselves. well nigga… maybe its you! umm. its possible? but alot of times, when i a girl breaks something off with me. its usually because i place that reason there for them to want to break shit off with me. alot of the time, its because i wont be thier boyfriend. which is my fault, yes lol ill own up to that. but hey… i dont wanna be with them muthafuckas for a reason lol. either i dont want a girl at the time. or either they just dont do it for me like that. OR like with some of the girls that i was just now talking about. there was one big ass thing in the way that kept me from wanting to be with them like that. and they couldnt take it. so they eventually broke it off. nothing i could do about it. i just had to accept it for what it was lol. cant fault them for wanting what they want. cant fault me either tho. But i know how to be the model boyfriend. im not about to sit up here and hype my self, oh i do this that and the other. i do it when i want. its not an act, if i like a girl like that. then ill show her that side of me. and ive never had a complaint at all. Even tho i drink and smoke lol. even tho i cuss and refuse to do any church time. the only reason a girl will break shit off with me is because i put the reason there for them to break it off, like i said. i wont be thier boyfriend. or in a couple of cases ill just start acting up lol, and force that shit. i know that may sound a lil cocky. but shit… its the truth. im not hyping it at all. im not perfect at all. ill admit, im hard to please… ill admit i will make a girl jump thru hoops. but females when i cant be with somebody, its because of something i cant deal with. its really my fault if you have to put the blame on somebody. i want what i want. i dont settle. i cant settle. i HATE to settle or feel like im setteling. id rather go with out before i settle. and thats with anything. However, sometimes… what i want is really unfeesable. but if im convinced. it takes me a while to realize how much it just doesnt go down for me. so ill come to grips and get whatever i want thats in my price range or whatever makes the most sense at the time. but ill still be working my way up to eventually have what i want. i refuse to go with out what i want. i WILL have my way. im absolutley determine to, in every sitation. But with a wife or girlfriend, its really different from say… a car. there was a point in time where i was rolling a beat up 84 cutlass supreme ( the gangsta mobile! lol ) and i could have fixed it up a buncha times. i had the money. but one day i saw the brand new infiniti q45 ( this was about 2001 ) and i feel in love and i was really determine to save up enough money to put down on the bitch so my payments would only be like 200 a month ( this is a 80 thousand dollar car mind you ). and it aint like i wasnt making enough money at the time. it would have been a stretch. but if i would have found somebody with good credit… i could have had that bitch lol. but it woulda broke a nigga. and eventually i saw that. but i was still holding out for something i REALLY wanted. and eventually i settled on a 1990 q45 ( that i LOVE! ). and ill eventually work my way up to the brand new joint. but you cant do that with a wife/girlfriend/spouse. i cant work my way to what i want. im not trying to get married 10 times. you cant just trade a person in like that. but me being me… i just cant settle for a person who has something i want and need, but also does something that will drive me up the fucking wall… like the shit i mentioned before. ive learned that… that one big thing that i have a hard time dealing with, usually makes the small shit WAY bigger than it is. and it makes for a FUCKED up relationship. so fuck the dumb. why even bother?

like i said… im reasonable. if a girl keeps a dirty ass car. thats ok… i can see past that. ill wash her shit ( even tho i really hate doing that shit. i feel like a servant. if a female has an able body, there aint no reason she cant wash her own shit. im sorry lol ) and ill drive, just so i dont have to be in her dirty ass car. no biggie lol. i can see past shit like that. even tho its a pet peeve. but lets say she has no fucking ambition and works some punk ass part time job and doesnt go to school. that shit would irritate me to no end. id probably end up yelling at her and saying some fucked up shit. like BITCH! wash your fucking car! its not like you got anything major to do out this muthafucka! gotdamn! what have you been doing for the last couple of days?! SHIT! get off yo ass and clean your shit. you nasty muthafucka! lol im pretty sure just offa me actually calling her a bitch, shit would have been over anyway (followed by a fight, knowing the girls i be fuckin with lol ). but honestly if imma be on some shit like that. i was probably hella irritated and looking to end the shit anyway lol.

Ill have to admit. im not really looking for love. most of the time it just happens. i HATE new people, so im not a muthafucka to be out trying to get at every pretty face. lol and it aint like looking on the internet is a good place to find your soul mate. muthafuckas is crazy or lie about thier apperance or something else. or got issues that make them borderline certifiable lol. and the girls who are actually worth a damn. usually its something its always something. lol i know a few girls i know on from this shit are scared to even go there with me if it was feesable, just because they are afriad they will end up on this shit as a story lol. lmao, ive heard that more times than i can remember lol cant fault them for that!! because in all honesty. i have absolutley no reservations about posting a story about ANYBODY i meet / talk to / have sex with / or anything of the sort. i dont care where i meet her. if you blow it and its funny. ill tell the story to anybody who wants to listen lol. i dont be airing a muthafucka business like that. im talkin about the muthafuckas that just be blowing it. like i met this one girl. she was cool and all… her aroma was just OFF. like… it didnt stink, it was just uncomfortable as hell. her natural body odor just wasnt right. lol. there was this other girl who ive been meaning to post about too for a long time lol i met her off the net… long long long ago. i had to be about 19 i met this girl on the net, she didnt have no picture ( first rule of meeting a muhfucka off the net lol ) and my dumb ass figured id take a chance on her because she was from africa and had a precious lil accent. turns out she also had a fucking jheri curl. lol maybe ill post about that shit next lol that shit was the GUTS! but yea… muthafucaks be scared to end up as a story. its cool. i understand. i aint even trippin lol. i wouldnt fuck with me either. especially after reading this long ass shit. i wont even elaborate on how im hard to please, and make girls who wanna be with me jump thru hoops, and how im hella untrusting of muthafuckas.

actually, now that i think about it lol. anybody in they right muthafuckin mind wouldnt fuck with my Black ass lol. and as the days past i come a lil bit closer to the realization of my lonesome fate. maybe love and companionship isnt for me. with all the shit that i can not put up with. its not looking that way. but i cant change who i am. i wont, i refuse. the shit i spoke on will drive me crazy. guarented. the relationship is bound to end due to one of them reasons plus id cheat on them because of that shit. every single female i know at this moment in time does at least one thing i can not deal with. and if they dont, chances are im not attracted to them. so that rules all that shit out. because ill definitly cheat. and i dont want to cheat on my wife. i dont even want a slight reason to maybe think about it.

i didnt type out this shit for any sympathy or for a buncha oh youll find somebody comments or for a buncha advice. or really for anybody to read it. i realize its long as fuck. but at this moment, i feel like i have absolutley ( i wonder how many times ive misspelled that word thru this post lol )…. lol but i have no one to talk to. and ive been talking to various people about this same shit for the couple of years, and i know sylvia is tired of me constantly talking about this shit lol. but, im starting to feel like nobody cares. honestly its alot to listen to, i know that. and at the end, im always pretty convinced its hopeless, no matter what. it makes me really really sad every time i think about it. to a point of depression sometimes. i thought maybe typing it all out, maybe id see something that ive over looked…. but i havent. i also thought that maybe id feel better. but i still feel like shit.