OJ’s Shitty Advice: Kept it warm for ya

Q: Dear OJ,
What do I do if I get to the restroom and all the stalls are taken?

This is a great question. Here is the very first thing that you should do and be your frist priority: DONT SHIT ON YOUR SELF!! Wait for an available stall. Do a dance, walk in circles, do what ever you have to do to not shit on your self.

If you’re a forward progressive thinking person, by now, you’ve probably already reached the conclusion that; if all the stalls are full, when its time for me to shit, the toilet seat will be warm with ass heat  that is not my own.
This is true. And fucking GROSS, SON!!!!!
At least its gross as fuck to me. When I was little, my mom used to tell me horror stories that would reflect the need to put down toilet paper or something on the seat so I dont catch crabs or some random disease that randoms may or may not be carrying around lol. So Im super paranoid when it comes to other peoples asses and how they may or may not maintain said ass.

So, here is my advice to you if you happen to have to immediately occupy a stall that was just occupied by some asshole who made you hold your shit for longer than you really wanted to.

You have 3 options.

1, you could put it out your mind and have a seat on an unusually warm toilet seat. Repeating to yourself “its better than shitting on myself” over and over again until you finish.

2. You could get as many toilet seat covers as your heart desires, in concert with some toilet paper and cover the toilet seat with it. Not that you dont already cover the seat with a seat cover; what im saying is, you should cover it with enough seat covers and toilet paper till the point where you think you wont feel any foreign ass heat transfer from the toilet seat to your ass and back of your thighs. Its the same thing as putting a bunch of toilet paper and seat covers on an ice cold toilet seat. Except for a toilet seat will never be cold from somebody taking a shit on it before you got there lol. What to do with all the extra TP? Who cares? flush it, leave it, throw it on the ground. Thats not my problem lol.

3. Squat. Hover over the toilet and drop it like its hot. However, if you’re hovering too far above the toilet, you might splash your self with shitty water. Thats what you dont want. There are several ways you could go about squatting; you could hold on to the walls or something; if you have the strength, just go down as far as you can so you dont slash your self lol; OR… you could semi squat then lower yourself as you feel a log exiting your ass (gotdamn that was kind of graphic lmao); OR you could sit on your hands then stand up to wipe your ass lol.

All these options are better than shitting on yourself. And if worse comes to absolute worse, go in the bathroom of the opposite sex. Fuck it. Most people would rather you not shit on yourself and will help you NOT shit on yourself. That is, if you can bring yourself to explain that you have to shit to a stranger in the opposite sex bathroom lol. If youre having a hard time exploring this amount of desperation, say this to your self “Fuck it!! The same associated with this is better than the same of shitting on myself.” LOL. Barg in, look down and go for it lol

Speaking of which, coincidentally, this is similar to the advice I’d give if you were taking a shit in the middle of antartica.. or new york, north dakota, canada or the east coast or some where else its cold as fuck at any point for no gotdamn reason. Ive been forced to have to take shits in some pretty cold climates over my life time. It fucking sucks lol. But it doesnt suck more than a warm toilet seat from somebody having had taken a shit there right before you did. As it certainly doesnt suck as much as shitting on your self.

 

Your Welcome.