Uhmah Park


Everybody I’ve loved in my life has told me this more than once “OJ, you have to learn how to talk to people”

I typed all of this on twitter earlier. I dont know how. It apparently took two hours and I typed it on a touch screen phone. If you know me, you  know that I hate typing on a touch screen phone. Thats right, every tweet, text, instant message… I hate typing them out. I have big fingers, its frustrating lol.

I dont know what made me… eh, I’m lying. I know what got me there. I felt like some one came at me “sideways” about me being wrong. This person used all the wrong words and approached me the wrong way to express how they felt, twice. While this person was right and had a point, I still didn’t like it the way said person went about it. At all.
I was wrong, for sure… or you could say that I was. When something is serious and not funny to some one, it just isnt. You’re going to understand or you aren’t; I understood. But still, I didn’t like the words that were used and I felt the over all tone was unnecessary. I felt like they could have made their point with out the adjectives and accusations.
In the past I’d get overly mad over something like that and there would have been an exchange. But I didn’t do that. I understood that it was important and apologized. Still feel the same way though.
Did I discuss my issue with this person? No. I did not and will not. I’d rather not deal. I don’t believe that they would understand what I have to say or where I’m coming from. I believe that their issue would out weight mine, in said persons eyes. Although, I apologized and recognized what that person was feeling and saying. I’m sure of it in fact.
So I choose not to deal. Its not a super huge deal. But yea, I feel some type of way, even though I understand. Like I said, in the past, that way would have taken over and possibly cost me a friend.

This situation reminded me of some of the arguments that an ex-girlfriend and I would get into. One of us wouldn’t like the words the other person used to express themselves. I’d say it was me about 60% of the time (who blew it).  Then there was an explosion of emotions. Both of ours. I’m getting tired just typing this.

When I started typing this, some thing somebody said on twitter reminded me of the whole thing (days had passed, as far as the issue that got me thinking). I was watching the Laker game and just started typing my thoughts:

(I’m going to copy and paste these tweets. It’s a lot to retype lol.)

A lot of people dont understand that you can be mad, but u still have to watch what u say when u express yourself.

If u come off condescending or u get to name calling.. your message is gone. while u may have a legit point. U were mean about it

U feel like u have a legit case. But the person u have the issue with is mad u came at them sideways. So now u 2 are fighting 2 diff fights

U can be mad. But watch ur wording. Most people arent going to respond the way u think they should. They wont respond to ur point.

They are going to respond to the words u used to express your anger. Sometimes the persons response is fuck u then. So what u mad

The person u were mad at WOULD HAVE apologized. But u came at them side ways. Now? Youre wrong. And 2 wrongs dont make a right

U felt wronged. Tried to say something about it. It went fucked up (bcz u said some fucked up shit). Now ure wrong, when u WERE right

Its not that youre not right any more… you basically discredited your self and your argument because u came at that person sideways

I used to go thru that a lot. Somebody would do me dirty then id get to fuckin cussin lol. Id say all kinds of shit and it was a wrap

Niggas had me thinking I was crazy. I got into a lot of fights with an ex and a few friends over shit like that. Ive been on both sides

If my feelings are hurt or u make me feel some type of way or u come at me sideways.. my 1st response is anger. So now Im in attack mode

Attacking and super defensive lol. Its all bad. Nothing good would ever come of that. No matter what side I was on. Shits wack

I seriously thought I was fucking crazy. For years. I couldn’t win a argument, disagreement. Nothing lol. I gave up after a while

me giving up gave me an unbelievable amount of anxiety; brought on depression; and TANKED my confidence. Murdered it. Its not me

I didnt know that was the problem at the time tho. I just knew my world was crashing down around me. And did not know why. Couldn’t stop it

Imagine being wrong no matter what? Somebody wrongs u. Yall talk. U wrong. Other person is hurt and hates u. Every time. All the time

U rarely get an apology. And if u do get one, its from somebody who is mad at u. So its kinda half assed.. and u still wrong

Ur whole issue virtually erased. All the time. No matter if its valid or not. Its enough to drive a nigga crazy. Trust me lol

Most of this started because I didn’t know how to talk to ppl. Didn’t know how to control my emotions. So they would just explode. All bad

Usually when ppl go thru shit like that… they think every its everyone else. Yall is crazy. If yall didnt do this or that. Id be cool!

I used to think that. But if everyone one lived their lives around u, they couldnt be themselves. U cant make anybody conform to ur issues

Just because YOU dont know how to control ur emotions. Because YOU get angry or cry or super sensitive, u cant expect kid glove all the time

Its not up to anybody else to be responsible for ur reactions except u. Other “people” dont HAVE to do anything really..

Its YOU who is pissed. It’s your feelings that are hurt. YOURE the person feeling some type of way. You have to manage that..

Regardless of how wrong the other person is or whatever the case may be. No matter how hard it is… its still on u. Its wack honestly lol

Everybody is human. U can only take so damn much. Nobody is perfect. Everybody has a breaking point. Thats ok. But in the end.. still u.

I went to therapy for 2 years.. 2 times a week to learn that. And still struggle with it. I have to practice not cussing at ppl and reacting

Its a daily struggle. But im a lot better than I used to be. Worlds better. U know what it feels like? FREEDOM!!!!!

I used to feel so trapped and limited by my emotions. wouldn’t put myself in certain situations. Id stay away if I felt like id get mad

Id be hella nervous around ppl that I had an issue with; or that had an issue with me.. even the ppl I loved. Especially them..

At that point in my life, I was living with my best friend and didnt wanna come out of my room. Didnt wanna deal with what may happen

My girl at the time, she was the only piece of peace I had in my life for years. No matter how much we would fight…. until she wasnt

I used to be completely nervous around her. I couldn’t eat around her. Thats how bad I got. My stomach would be in KNOTS


Thats seriously what would go thru my mind. Around her and everybody else. I was super scared of how id react and having my mood altered

I stopped talking to my sister for 2 and 3 years 2 different times. She just INSISTED on being a fuck up. And I couldnt not be mad

My parents were going thru the beginning stages of a divorce and would call me.. Both of them.. to complain about the other

I cussed at them sooo many times. And felt super fucked up every single time. I felt like they needed me… but wouldn’t respect my time

My time.. money.. relationship.. boundaries. All kinda shit. Every time I said something tho. Id yell. I was automatically wrong

It felt like… I just need yall to act right!!! Wtf?!?!?! PLEASE!! But.. people are gonna be people, right or wrong.

Everything isnt gonna go according to plan. And really… what it REALLY is.. u can not depend on anybody but YOU at the of the day
(Side note… this was REALLY hard for me to accept and learn)

U cant depend on ppl to act right. U cant depend on them not to be on some fuck shit. U cant depend on them to respect u. At all

And if you cant depend on you.. and cant depend on other ppl… who do u have? Nobody. Not even u. Because u cant trust your self

Very helpless very awful feeling. Eventually u will feel like a prisoner…. but u don’t know it. Its like self oppression lol

Therapy SAVED a nigga life. I don’t know where I would be if u wouldn’t have checked my self in. Real shit. Id probably be dead some where

Therapy is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in your life. Its hard because u face ALOT of truth in therapy.

And the truth hurts. A lot. More than anything. The truth is ugly, mean, rough, fucked up, dirty, foul, evil, disgusting. Everything bad

However, the truth will set u free. When u face the truth head on and deal with it.. thats the “free” its freedom from the burden

Freedom from all that foulness and ugliness. Free from the weight and the feelings. Free from the darkness

Even if u face ur truth and u have to live with it. Facing it and taking it on is still freedom, because you’re not running from it anymore

When u go to therapy and face those truths, at the same time, u work on acquiring the tools that you need to face those hard truths

When u have the tools and knowledge/know how, etc… u will gain the confidence u need to see ur way thru the issuses u have been battling

When u start to use those tools / knowledge / know how successfully, there is no better feeling. To feel like its getting better. Finally!!

The first time u dont have to deal or deal with it better… I cant describe it. Just to say it feels like freedom is near. Like hope.

Practice makes perfect tho. You wont get it right everytime. The more u practice. The more u face those truths, u WILL get better

It WILL get better. And its going to get better because YOU want it to get better. If u keep fighting. Keep getting up. It will get better

It will get better because you can depend on you again. Even when u get knocked down amd knocked back. Ure going to get up bcz u know how

It takes practice to get up after u fall. Practice to feel better. Practice to trust your self and depend on you and what u have learned

In therapy u learn more about YOU. And the ppl around you; the ppl you face; and the situations u face. Its learning. Not a pitty party

U learn you better. Your behavior. Why u started and where it came from. How unfot there. How u react and why. Thats the hard truth u face

U face the truth of whats happen to u in your life. Good, bad, ugly. Everything. learning and understanding is what therapy is

When u understand your problems and where they came from, u can deal with them better. U can begin to conquer them and put em behind u

Learning and understanding ur feelings and behavior. Thats what therapy is. That should be ur focus. To learn and understand you

U the only person you got. U have to understand how that person (you) works if u expect to control that person (you)

Once u get to know you more. You can start to learn how to handle others. Learn to recognize behavior and how to handle it

The human brain will always want an answer to “why?”.. why are u acting like this? Why u do this or that? The brain wants to know

U will find some of those answers in therapy. But MORE IMPORTANTLY, you will learn to let the “why” remain a mystery.

U will learn to be more focused on your goals, feelings, situation, etc. Because u know u cant control anybody but u. Its easier to let go

It feels like freedom. Every year since I stopped going to therapy, my life has gotten better and better. I continue to learn about myself

How to handle myself, my limitations, strengths and weaknesses. Im solving my problems and issues. Conquering them one by one

All the problems and issues I had.. when I thought I was crazy. When I was worried I was hurting the ppl I loved… ive worked hard

Hard as fuck. Battling through all that. It took time and it took patience (that the right 1? Lol). Ive gotten out and pass a lot of it..

And I typed aaaalllll of that.. lol… to say… guess who was actually at fault? Them muthafuckas!!!!! lmaoooooo MY GOD!! LOL

My problem was that I didn’t know how to handle it. Didnt know how to talk to people. Didn’t know how to control myself or express myself

Once I learned how to do that. Learned how to stop ppl from provoking me; lying to my face; taking me thru bullshit; handle ppl being wrong

Sheeeeeeit lol… I was look. Yall is crazy. Im cool. I walked away. Didn’t feel any kind of way. I knew I was right. I knew I wasnt trippin

I had the confidence to stand my ground abd articulate my point in a way that wouldnt piss off the other person

I would either stick it out or walk. A lot of times I walked. I value my sanity. It was me or them. I need me first

In the end.. I feel like I lost everybody. My girl, biz partner relationship is fucked up, me and my parents relationship is cool but eh..

Lost a lot of friends. But I did start talking to my sister again. It took a while… but our relationship will never be the same either

Honestly I went to therapy to keep all those ppl in my life. I was deathly afraid of losing them. They were my family and I loved them

I wanted to protect them. I wanted to help them. I wanted to be the best son, brother, friend, partner, bf/husband.. father one day

I was super worried about losing them. Basically lost it all. But it didnt destroy me at all. Because I made the choice to walk. To save me

It was me or them. I couldnt take care of them and me. I didnt have the tools or know how to do it. I had to lose them to save me.

It is what it is. It sucks.. but it is what it is. And was for the best in the end. I had/have a lot of growing up to do.

That was the only way it was gonna happen. I was too wrapped up in every body no matter what. I had to be by myself to see clearly

I still have to watch how I respond and my words and tone when I express myself. Its tough when its been 1 way ur whole life

But im confident on my skills and tools etc.. even when I get off track. I can come back.. like.. I KNOW I can. which is awesome

——————— This is where I stopped for whatever reason. 

While I was typing all this out, I relived a lot of the time I covered in those tweets. A lot of this stuff I forgot about. While copy and pasting and re-reading everything, It took me back again/further. And I just want to say one last thing. 

When I say “it was them muthafuckas..” What I mean by that is not that I was never at fault. Of course I was wrong from time to time. But no matter if I was wrong or right, I was basically unapproachable about it. In both directions, I couldnt talk to anybody and they couldnt talk to me. Because I’d get upset over something. So in the end, it was still on me.
But when I was able to talk about it; when I was able to be calm and clearly express my emotions, thats when I figured out it wasnt ALL me.

Before, I felt it was ALL me or ALL them. In my world, in my head, somebody is wrong and somebody is right. Its just a matter of figuring out which is which. So I went to therapy, thinking it was me who was totally in the wrong. I had to work on me if I wanted to keep every body I loved in my life.
When I started to feel like “it was them muthafuckas…”, what I saw was how every ones behavior was affecting me and what it was really doing to my life. In less than 2 years, I had lost 50lbs from stress. It was bad. I was bad.

The one person who it really wasnt though, was my girlfriend at the time. Looking back, I cant blame her for anything at all really. She was in love and wanted to be with her man at all cost. She waited and took as much as she could. She put up with my anger issues and attitudes and everything else, she was really supportive. She gave me the support I couldnt find any where else. But… It stressed her out and wore her down. It stressed me out, because I had a lot on my plate, plus the pressure of feeling like I was letting the woman I wanted to marry down in various ways. It changed both of us. She was my rock and my peace. She did nothing wrong at all. (Except for the whole talking to me crazy thing lol) That situation is all my fault, no matter what the circumstances. I wish I could apologize, our relationship ended badly.

However, I didnt see things that way until recently. I didnt see that I had to lose her and everybody else to become more of a man; a better man. To see where I was fucking up super bad. And believe me, I was lol. Very to extremely bad. Eventually I saw where I was fucking up and took steps (am still making and taking those steps) to get things where they are supposed to be; where I want them to be. I had to lose a lot to figure all that out. It sucks, but it is what it is. I think about it all the time.

Despite all that I’ve been through and felt like I’ve lost, I’d rather be who I am now than keep everything that I’ve lost. No matter how much it hurts or fucking sucks. Because I really really really feel like I lost my family (Sister, Girl, friends, parents). Its not that I cant get some of that back, if I work hard enough. The pain of losing it was unbearable at one point. But the freedom that I feel now is priceless. I thought I’d never feel like this ever. I didnt even know what the feeling was. I just knew that other people talked about it and said I could have it. I never believed them. I believe them now.