Blowed Thoughts

I still love you Mary Jane

Fo' Life

Recently, I got my bottom two wisdom teeth removed. So I had to take over a week long hiatus from smoking. Not a problem. Vicodin was a let down. All it did was take away the intense pain and make me HELLA NAUSEOUS! So I spent something like 12 days sober as hell. I was bored as hell. The only real part that sucked about it, is that I was really bored. A lot. I had nothing to do, other than work. I couldnt work out. I had to take that vicodin for like 5 days, so I couldnt drive that whole time.

So since I’m a thinker. I did alot of sober thinking. I wasnt feening to smoke like I’m sure some of my friends reading this think. Of course I wanted to. But I wanted my shit to heal way more than I wanted to smoke basically. So I really wasnt trippin. But I asked myself. Why do I smoke like I do?

What is marijuana doing for me?
Well, I have trouble sleeping. I got HORRIBLE sleep over this sober stint. Ive had trouble sleeping my whole life. At night, its quiet and I lay there and think about any and everything. Its torture. Especially since I love to sleep. I cant sleep when I want to at all. I have to be damn near dog tired to go to sleep. I have a lot of energy naturally, so if I didnt have a long hard day (of if i havent had alot of sex that day lol), Im not going to sleep once I jump in my bed. Im laying there and shifting and thinking. And then some more. Ive tried everything. Nothing works. Sleeping pills scare me to death. I almost died once, it feels VERY similar lol. So thats one of the major roles Marijuana plays in my life.

Another big part I realized Marijuana plays in my life, is the part where I absolutely need to relax. Every human being needs to relax. I just happen to be one of the people who have an extremely hard time doing so. I know a lot of people might think this is total bullshit. But you can ask some of my friends that know me better than others.
When I say relax, I understand that relaxing can mean alot of different things. Some people are relaxed by being in front of a crowd of people. Im talking about the stages of activity a person can be engaged in. There is relaxing, something to do, things you enjoy doing, working and bored. Some people say when they are relaxing by doing something they enjoy, that could mean alot of things. I enjoy what I do for a living, but that certainly isnt relaxing. Some people read a book, watch tv, sew, which or whatever, all kinds of things. To me, thats just something to do. Its not relaxing at all and I may or may not be enjoying myself. Im definitely not resting and taking a break. Im just doing something.
I guess what I mean by relaxing is: being OK and or content with not doing anything.  Or maybe just being ok with what you have going on at the time, to the point were youre not bored or looking for something more.
This is a feeling I have rarely experienced sober. Off the top of my head, I can only think of one time in my life where I was totally happy with something. Other than that, what ever I have in front of me, is usually cool for now. But Im going to need something more later. Or either Im still working for something more in the future. While I feel like I appreciate everything Ive worked very hard for and the things I have and have been blessed with. There is still a very powerful “want” there. No matter what it is. Which could be almost anything. From people, things, me… doesnt matter. It makes me look ungrateful to a lot of people, but I dont think they can see what I see or feel what I feel. Hell, I can barely describe it.

I could go on and on about what relaxing is or isnt to me. But to make a long story short. The only time Im ok not doing any thing is when Im high as hell. I feel like I can post up and watch tv and just be ok with doing that. If some one calls with some thing that may sound exciting or fun. I dont care how tired I am, there is a good chance Im going to get up and go. If Im high, chances are Im going to chill out and post up and be very OK with not going or doing whatever. This only happens when Im high. If Im sober and my only consequence is rest? Im out.
Relaxation has always represented extreme boredom for me, every since I can remember. I just do not enjoy it. Except when Im high. I  might be bored… but its OK. I might not be getting shit done… but its OK. Everything is cool, and there is a lot more “fuck it” to my overall attitude. When Im high, chillin all of a sudden becomes very important to me lol. Usually its at the bottom of the list if there is something to do.

I often think back to my one random day during my childhood when I complained to my Dad that I was bored out of my mind. He looked from the TV over to me and said “OJ, one day there will come a time where you want to do absolutely nothing…”. I cant tell you how much this pissed me off. I wanted to say to him “WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!! THERE IS NO WAY IN THE FUCK THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN!” of course I didnt say that. I gave him a very puzzled look and said, “… no. i cant even imagine that. Im doing nothing right now and I can barely stand it…”
Mind you, my Dad was high as the fuck, posted on the couch when he said this. Needless to say… I never understood that shit until I discovered the joys of weed myself.

Why did you smoke so much?
When I first started smoking,  it wasnt all the time or every day even. It was really just on the weekend. Until I figured out that I was getting INCREDIBLE sleep when I smoke. Not only that, but I had some friends that lived in my old apartment building used to smoke daily. I worked at home. I was up there all the time, plus they ALWAYS had good weed that I didnt have to pay for? Of course I was with it lol
Then of course, you can just smoke up the homies weed with out putting in. So at the tender age of 23, I bought my first sac.  When I did, I promised myself that If I couldnt afford to smoke, then Id stop smoking. Luckily me being able to afford weed has never been a problem.
So as time went on, and I began to smoke better and better chronic. (I dont smoke stress or midgrade. Fuck You and Fuck That.) I started to smoke more and more. Basically Im a pleasure junky. So whatever is fun or great, Im trying to be a part of as much as possible. When I was younger, I couldnt possibly see how this could be a problem lol. Silly me.
Around the age of 27. Things got super rough for me. I had a TON of stress in my life. So smoking weed was a way for me to be cool with all the things that were causing me stress in my life. I was going THROUGH IT. I made mistakes I had a hard time living with. I was paying for other peoples mistakes. On top of being a young business owner trying to grow his company and make a future for his self and my girlfriend at the time, who I wanted to make my wife. I was feeling all kinds of pressure. More than I can really go into. But trust me, it was bad.
So with all the shit I was going through, I started to smoke regularly just to deal. It went from smoking after a stressful day. To smoking all day to keep from being stressed. And for a very long time, I believed it worked.
I could still work and be high as hell. I could still deal with the shit I had to deal with, high as hell. I could sit through being fussed at, or listening to somebody elses problems that I was suppose to be involved in when I really should have never been involved. Weed really made my life livable for years. Because I wanted to leave at one point. I wanted to say fuck it all, forget everybody and everything and get my Ricky Williams on. I didnt wanna kill myself. I just wanted to disappear.  It was fuckin rough. I was really stressed out. Over a period of about three years, I lost 50 pounds. I went from 230 lbs, to 180 lbs.
Youre probably thinking to your self, When you smoke weed, I thought you were suppose to GAIN weight? Well, stress is a hell of a drug, and it affects every one differently. I was barely eating. It was all bad. The only time I’d eat, was when I was higher than the sun moon and stars. Around the age of 28 I got a medical Marijuana card, it didnt take long before I was high all the time. I even had friends who had never been around me sober. I wont go into how much weed I went through weekly, but it was a lot. I could have done a whole lotta other shit with that money lol. But at the time, I felt like I HAD TO SMOKE to stay sane. Eventually it became habit. And its not like I couldnt stop if I wanted to. I just never really believed that I had a reason not to smoke. I was living a regular life while high. And it was better than I could remember when I wasnt high. So why not?
Another thing I promised myself though all of that is, if I ever had solid evidence of why I shouldnt smoke so much, Id stop or cut back.

Evidence? What evidence?
I have an uncle that used to smoke weed. One day he told me about how he has smoked some of the best weed and how he stayed high for like 4 years straight. He never really gave me a solid reason for quiting. He just said that he couldnt live his life like that anymore. This always stuck some where in the back of my mind. I wondered, what do you mean you couldnt live your life like that anymore? I wasnt smoking a lot when he told me this. But I had never had any problem being high all the time. But I always kept what he said in mind. Even though I had no real explanation.
To make a long story short. The extended time I spent sober, something kind of happen to me. I became a lot more restless. But it was different than just me being bored. I wanted to get out the house and do shit. I wanted more shit going on. I just wanted to do shit. I hadnt felt like that in a while.
Then, a girl I follow on twitter mentioned how her psychologist said that weed will lead to anxiety.
Um, what? One of the reasons I smoked was to bring down my level of anxiety. So I had to ask my damn psychologist! This is medical evidence! I always take the word of a professional or scientific evidence pretty seriously.

This is what my psychologist told me:
He told me about how he either used to run, or currently runs a Marijuana Anonymous group. Wait… my initial reaction to this was, “Foreals Player?” There is really a weed anonymous group? well alright then. Anyway lol… He told me the one thing thats “frighteningly scary” amongst all frequent weed smokers is this: They feel like their lives are going NO WHERE. They feel like they are wading water. And in some cases, start to slide backwards. Frequent weed smokers who are famous, rich, poor, kinda poor, well off. All that. From any walk of life. This is how all these people tend to feel after smoking weed regularly for a long period of time.
This fucked me all the way up, because thats what I was starting to feel like! I wasnt happy with how things were going at all… for a WHILE. Not that everything was bad. But it wasnt getting better. Im a progressive person. I need to keep advancing in whatever Im doing. Staying still drives me crazy. Physically and mentally. Since I turned 30 last year (honestly way before that), Ive grown increasingly frustrated about where I am in my life. When I heard this, it all made sense.

From there I really started to think about how my behavior was different, sober vs high. Im used to being a very motivated and ambitious person. I am not when Im high. I might think I am. But I WILL find a reason not to do whatever I think I want to do. I can come up with a bunch of shit I want to do or should be doing when Im high. But its not happening.
When Im high, I will find a reason not to leave the house, no matter what I have to do. Its really hard to get going. Not so much when Im sober.
Im alot more aggresive when Im sober. When Im high, Im alot more timid (i feel) and shy. I give A LOT more of a fuck when Im high. This is a problem because, Im the same person that all of my friends always designate to be the giver of bad news. And ive never had a problem doing that shit. I cant do that shit when Im high.

Its not that Im some total other person when Im high. Its not that Im not my normal self. Its that Im not the person that got me this far. Ive done plenty of great things in my lifetime. When Im high, my go-getter-ness isnt there. My motivation isnt there. My drive isnt there. I cant have that. I refuse. lol “I cant live my life like that.” – Uncle Ken.

This is not a thing where its… oh when you smoke weed, this and that happens. Its from smoking weed, CONSTANTLY over a long period of time, all the time. And by all the time, I mean all day long. If you do that, these things might also happen to you. It affects every one differently. This is what happen to me.

So am I gonna quit smoking weed altogether?
No. However, I have cut back drastically. I smoke like most people smoke now. Socially, or at night when the day is done. And honestly, its been fucking great! I couldnt have imagine not smoking weed could be this awesome.
The reason I think its so awesome though, is because I take my marijuana seriously. I consider myself connoisseur. Ive smoked damn near every kind of weed that available in southern california. Being high is a pretty great feeling. Plus it helps me chill, when its time to chill. Instead of not smoking and being ready to go all day long. Instead of forcing the issue. I can say no when its time to chill or when I should be resting. Its great. But back to the connoisseur aspect.
My weed tolerance has hit an all time LOW! Every time I smoke now, its like the FIRST time! Well, kind of. I have a story about my first time lol. Remind me to tell you about it one day lol. Do you know how great it is for a weed smoker to experience their first high, A LOT?! Let me tell you, its fucking awesome! Normally, when you smoke all day long. Your highs just blend together. You can usually only tell when youre SUPER sober. A lot of the time, its in question. But on my current smoke schedule. If I try one strain one day and another strain the next, I can totally tell the difference. Which is way beyond awesome! Now I have something to look foward to as far as smoking goes. Apposed to trying to avoid being sober for way too long. I can now effectively judge different strains of weed. I cant smoke the super strong weed that I used to smoke all the time, that would get my friends beyond blasted lol. Now Im in the same boat with them, instead of being jealous at how blowed they were off the weed I spent my hard earned money on lol. Its really great.

Im getting so much more done. I feel like Im the most clear headed Ive been in all my life. I feel like I can make the most effective decisions, and Im pretty confident in that fact.  And it feels pretty gotdamn good.

Weed is not such a major issue in my life like it used to be. I never liked being known as a smoker. It always bothered me. Smoking weed all day, all the time, is kind of like being an alcoholic. Its different, but the similar in a lot of ways. It can take over your life. Smoking weed all day wont have you completely plastered and incapable of doing anything like being drunk all day will do to you. But it will hold your life up, all the same. And I CAN NOT HAVE THAT! I gotta keep it movin homie.

So with that said. I salute my self, I still love you Mary Jane, but it doesnt crack like that no more. Peace and Im out. Word to Randy Moss!

3 replies on “I still love you Mary Jane”

Aw, OJ I am so proud of you for sharing your story! This is awesome insight. I never really had a problem with weed smokers in general, but sometimes I am concerned about people who need it to function in their everyday lives. I am glad you had some time to reflect on this. high five.

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