Im already fucking up. You will see why shortly. Its Jan 16th (Syls Bday – HAPPY BIRTHDAY SYL!) and this is my first blogger entry of the year.
Firstly… My New Years Eve was FUCKING GREAT!. The homie Yong got his girl P a new camera flash. That shit is awesome, and it/she took some great ass pictures. Since my vanity and narsicsim is getting back to ridiculous levels they used to be at. Here are all the pictures featuring me. Your welcome.
That should be the end of this post, but its not. Late in the last year, I watched my cousin (Who shall remain nameless) lose his job over some complete bullshit. But before then, this nigga would often talk about how much he hated his job, how he wanted to quit, fuck this job and everything else. Then out of fucking no where, over some complete bullshit, he is now with out work. Im worried for my nigga, but he has a ton of G.R.I.T. so Im sure he will be alright. But the over the few months or so this nigga was talking about how wack his job was. I wanted to tell the nigga, if you keep talking like that, you might fuck around and be with out that job. Then what? But I knew that nigga wouldnt listen to me. Not that I think he would be wrong for that. But sometimes when you just not happy, you just not happy and you will try to get that frustration out any way you can, even if its not the best way… or the only way you really know how to.
But all the while this nigga would say how he didnt like his job and talking negatively about his situation. I didnt REALLY think he would fuck around and lose his job on some complete bullshit. Or if at all. I said to myself if he did though, that I would for sure change my way of thinking and talking. That whole episode proved to me that the powers of negativity and positivity are real. So from here on out, Im going to try to be as positive as possible. Does that mean Im going to start talking shit about people? Fuck no. What Im saying is I will remain positive about me and my situations and the things that I want out of life. I already have the drive to get what I want. And I’d have to say Ive come pretty damn far from where I used to be. A few of the people in those pictures above could tell you that.
However, alot of this distance Ive traveled has been rooted in negativity, one could say. On New Years Eve, 1999, I was in Fontana, living at my parents house. Some of my friends, a few of my sisters and parents friends, were all at the house. Its about 8pm, and we are all half way trying to get out and go some where and get it crackin for the year 2000. As the night progressed, nobody moved to go no where. Everybody just sat around at the house. Smoked, drank and didnt do shit to bring in the New Year, except for be bored and broke at the house. Because nobody had any real money to do anything, hell, neither did I. But here I had all this energy and will to go out and have some kind of fun, OUT SIDE of the house, in the public, being social with other people. Well, if youve ever been to Fontana or the Inland Empire, youd know there isnt too much to do. There were hella other house parties going on around the city Im sure, but the people I was hanging out with, didnt wanna really even wanna do that. So there we sat. I was about to bring in the New Year with some of my closest friends, bored out of my fucking mind… and this was my only option for the most part. At that moment, I’d about had enough. I just couldnt do it no more. I took in the scene, and I said to myself. Im getting the fuck away from here. Imma sit here and never forget how I feel at this moment right now. And this will never ever be me again… ever. At the time, I didnt know what that meant, and I didnt fucking care. I didnt care if I never got to hang out with any of these people again. There is a big wide world out there, but here I am stuck here with a bunch of people who want to just sit around on a once in a life time event.
At first I was pretty fuckin pissed at these niggas for not wanting to do shit. But then I had to ask myself… Why am I mad because THEY dont wanna do shit? Why am I even here? What else could I possibly be doing right now, and how? And what does any of that have to do with THESE niggas? How are they stoping me from doing what the fuck I want to do?? I had none of those answers. But I started to see, that me and the people I was surrounded by at the time, including my parents and the rest of my family. We really arent the same people anymore. I dont belong here. This is not where Im suppose to be at. I have to be the fuck up out of here. I didnt know where the fuck I was gonna go, or how the fuck I was gonna get there. I didnt have a plan, I didnt have shit, but a bunch of fucking HATE for my current situation. I HATED my situation. I hated living with my parents. I hated living in fontana. I hated being broke. I hated not doing the things I really wanted to do. I hated that I didnt have the shit I wanted to have. I hated the fact that I didnt know anybody who wanted to do some of the shit I wanted to do. Never would I know my circle for being the people they are. But I just had to do better shit than I was doing at the time. I couldnt take it anymore. All the shit I saw in pictures and on TV about how other people were living COULD NOT be totally fake. Maybe a lil hyped. But not totally fake. Sigh. I was so frustrated. But fucking determine to change my situation.
So the reason I say that alot of where Ive come from was rooted in negativity is because, my hate for those things was so strong, it kept me going in the face of doubt and uncertainty. I didnt give a FUCK how I got to a better situation, but I was gonna fucking get there. No matter what happen, no matter what got in my way. I would find a way to do better shit. And as I sat around on the night of new years eve, thats all I could think about. Over the last 9 years, every time I got all the way down, or shit wasnt going right, there were bumps in the road, or I just wasnt happy. I think about that new years eve, and how that will never be me again.
All my life Ive always had alot of will power and drive. Ive always wanted to improve on everything I do. Thats just who I am. But that moment kicked me into a serious over drive. But like I said, that drive was fueled by hate. Or was it?
Like I was saying before, I watched my cousin talk really bad on his job situation. And who am I to tell this man that he should change up the way he is looking and talking about his situation, because negativity will lead to an even worse situation. Because for a long time I was convinced that if you hate something strong enough, that youre trying to get away FROM, that it was just as good as being optimistic about something that you wanted to get TO. And that was practically MY damn story, he knew that. So who am I to tell somebody else to do differently?
Well over the time of these 9 years, Ive had alot of ups and downs. Over the last few years, the ups and downs have been severe. Super high and super fucking low. At one of my lower moments, Syl suggested that I watch The Secret. You know that book and dvd thats about some mystical way to live your life better? I used to think it was a bunch of bullshit. And Im not about to sit here and and say that shit changed my life. But I do consider my self an open minded person. Maybe not at first. But I always consider every point of view possible. Rather I agree or disagree with it. I will think about said point of view and process it until it make sense to me (if that makes sense to you lol). Now while I dont think there is some secret or mystical magic of wishing for shit hella hard and it will all turn out well for you.
What I got from The Secret DVD is that perspective is a powerful thing. Your perspective influences your life in ways that you will never realize. Mostly because you probably arent aware of the power of perspective. Thats what “The Secret” is by the way. While I didnt really immediately buy it myself. I figured Id just be observant and try to notice if some of the things that I had gathered from the dvd, minus the hype of course. Then, recently this new years eve, something reminded me of the new years eve in Fontana, 1999. So Ive been thinking about my frame of mind alot back then. And I realized while I hated my situation, I stayed determined to not “get away” from my situation, but what I really wanted to do was “better shit” as in better my situation. I wanted it to improve. That was my mind set, that was my goal. I didnt know HOW I was gonna do it. I just knew it was gonna happen come hook or crook (something my mom says often). I had to do it, some how some way. I didnt know what exactly better even was. I just kept my eye out for it.
As time went on, I kept that mind set and then I started to notice things. Things that I could do that could better my situation. (this is the magic part they talk about) It was like my ear was attracted to opportunities or something. Its kinda like if you want a new car, and maybe you test drive it, or youre just really focused on it. Then you start seeing that car every where all of a sudden, but you never saw it before. Especially after you actually buy the car. You see that shit ever where lol. It was like that for me. And its been like that every since. Ive steadily climbed, scratched and crawled my way from where I was to where I am now. But ALOT has changed. A TON has changed. I remember before that moment in 1999, I was afraid of change. I was afraid of leaving my friends and family to go do other things. But then I got pushed hard enough and Ive been off to the races every since.
I changed my perspective to, I have to do better no matter what the cost. Not to, I hate this place, I need to leave it. While I did feel that way. That wasnt my focus. My focus was improving my situation. Which is something I really didnt realize before.
So now that Ive watched my cousin go through his thing. I am sold on the power of perspective and positivity. One thing Ive always known about myself is what exactly I want. Even if it changes after I get it or before I get it. Im always for exactly what I want. Even if I dont know what it is exactly that I do want. Im still trying to find out what it is exactly that I want, and then get it.
So with the start of the new year, Im going to stay positive about the things I want to accomplish this year. Im determine to make most if not all of these things happen. Even tho, honestly, some of them might be a bit ambitious, but I refuse not to try anyway. And with the whole determination thing. I actually wrote out a list of resolutions for the new year. But I dont want to call them new years resolutions. These are goals and objectives that I will work on and toward through out the year. Yea thats it lol.
The difference between then and now, I feel that Im more focused on what I want, exactly. Before I didnt know what better was. Now I do. Before… the life I lead right now. Was real as a unicorn to me. Its not that I thought I couldnt have those things really. It just wasnt real to me. It was far off in the distance. There were no details. It was all a dream. And the places that I want to go from here, probably the same dream, just different circumstances. Because Im certainly not done. I am determined though. Im going to keep my perspective as positive as I can. And shit will get better. I will get what I want. I will reach accomplish my goals. Im positive lol. So this year. That is my new focus and way of thinking from now on.
Some of the things I will be focusing on this year are:
– Making more money
– Improving my time management
– Focusing more on fundamentals
– Working out more and actually staying in shape all this year.
– Learning Spanish
– Learn ActionScript 3
– Learn PHP
– Be more responsible