Uhmah Park

Im thinking about creating categories on this here blog. but if i were to actually go thru with it. i would only have one category: “The Trife Life Memoirs”. I think i really might do that shit lol.

Some time ago, i dont remember how old i was. i think i was about… eehhh 17? 16 maybe? i was posted at home, another boring ass day in fontana. the phone rings; its some girl asking for Shawn. i inform her that she has the wrong number. She insisted that she didnt; for whatever reason ( warning sign number 1 ) and she says… yea, this is Shawn Meeks? ( warning sign number 2 ) I say, uuhhhhhhh thats my homeboy, but that nigga dont live here lol. you got the wrong number girl. she says oh, i guess i must have dialed the wrong number then. but ummm… whats your name? you sound cute. ( warning sign number 3 ) im thinkin to myself, well hey she thinks im cute/sound good, it might go down for me. cool!

so i proceed to be about it. lol. yea my name is OJ, whoopty whoopty whoop.
the details of the convo arent important, mainly because they are hella sketchy to me right now lol. but from this one convo, she became interested in me, for whatever reason. (warning sign number 4) mind you this girl did not know what i looked like at all. (warning sign number 5) nor did she know too much of shit about me. except that i was homies with the nigga she called looking for supposedly. (warning sign number muthafuckin 6!) turns out… this nigga shawn gave her my number, because she wouldnt leave THAT nigga alone. aint that about a bitch?!?! lol asshole lol

Anyway… this girl starts to call me everyday from then on. i think her name was tahmekia or something slightly ethnic like that. i dont remember at all. so we’re talkin and i should have really sniffed out this girls ghettoness, but i was young and not as experienced as i am now lol actually, i didnt have the disdain for ghetto girls that i do now. but  just so we are all on the same page, i think that i should make it clear that i DO NOT like ghetto/hood ass girls. i can take a lil bit. even a lil bit more than a lil bit  if shes special like that. but full blown ghetto muthafuckas? i can not deal with at all! i can deal with every other type of girl. stuck up girls ( i like them ), mean girls, angry girls, nice girls, rich girls, broke girls, expensive girls ( i like them, they always got nice shit, but when they want you to pay for it, thats some whole different shit lol ), spoiled girls ( i like them too actually ), whatever… but not a ghetto muthafucka. fuck no! i do love a girl to be a lil “street/hood/ghetto/whateveryouwannacallit” a lil attitude, whatever… ghetto i just cant do tho. fuck that, fuck it.

So yea… movin on, the girl was clearly a chicken head / pigeon, whatever muthafuckas was callin classless bitches back then. but here go my black ass, oblivious to the bullshit one of them muthafuckas can drag a nigga through, choppin it up with her ass every day. for like two or three weeks. my bad… whatever.
she didnt live all that far from me. One day, she is on some ‘imma come see you’ shit. i got some money for you (warning sign number 7). i cant remember WHY she was volunteering her funds like that, but sheeeeeit, i was ALL fuckin for it. im like COOL! come through tomorrow and it goes down.sigh…

The next gotdamn day rolls around… me and jd ( of ‘the world famous bumble bee story’ fame ) we’re at my house, posted. i told jd what was crackin, and the nigga was on some oh wow shit. and he was really ready to see this shit transpire. the girl calls, like she said she would, she ask for directions. she had to catch the bus. i told her which bus to take from where she was at n shit. then, either jd said something or it just all of a sudden dawned on me; i dont want this muthafucka to know where i stay at!!! ( this aint called the Trife Life Memoirs for nothin folks lol ) why? because i was messin with the girl one house over (WHO WAS FINE AS FUCK!), and i didnt wanna get caught basically. we werent together; but just in case this girl was ugly, i didnt really wanna be seen with her ass. plus brandy (thats the girl who stayed one house over from me) was already mad at me for messing with the ashy back / ashy titty girl , so i was already kinda fuckin up in brandys eyes. but hey, back then, if you had big titties, or a big ass, i was all for it. ashy or otherwise properly moisturized lol. oh well. ive learned my lesson and have evolved from that bullshit. lol

So, i told her id meet her at some corner, not too far from my house. like 20 min passes by, jd and i get up and go to the agreed meeting spot and were posted there, waiting for this girl to show up. we’re standing around talking, shootin the shit, then all of a sudden, we see this tall dark ass girl walkin up.
COOL! i love dark females! AND tall females!
she had on a skirt….
COOL! i love tall females that like to show they legs off!
she had on some lil top
COOL! Clevage!
she had on….. grant hills. sigh… (WARNING SIGN NUMBER 8!!!!!!)
i wont go into my late 90’s ghetto muthafucka grant hill theory, so ill move on.
me and jd are like oh shit! it cracks for that nigga oj! she looks like she might look good as fuck! wooooooooooo! a nigga like me got my sly dap in, like good work dogg! you came up. im hyped! like hell yea!
then…. she got closer… and all of a sudden, there were questions that needed answers:
ummmmm, wheres her hair?
dont know?
uuuummmm, whats that thing on the side of her head with all the colors on it?
dont know?
ummm, why is her head shaped like a football?
dont know?
maybe its because shes far away?
man, i was trying to be optimistic! to the point of me, basically lying to my muthafuckin self lol. i could see the truth starting to develop with every step she took closer to me and jd.
ok ok ok… time to regroup!
i say “well nigga, maybe she aint as good lookin as we originally thought… ”
jd replies, “yea, maybe not……”
she got closer and started to smile n shit.  the truth was clear, this girl was fuckin ugly. ugly and ghetto as fuck. saggy titties, hair was in some kinda of bun contraption, but was off to the side on some jack in the box shit. with a GANG of fuckin scrunchys things around it. it really did look like a fuckin cone sitting off to the side of her shit. mind you, her head was abnormally round. she mostly looked like a gotdamn alien. and to make the murder complete, she was GREASIER THAN A MUTHAFUCKA! this girl had the ghetto glow workin overtime for her ass. sun justa BEAMIN offa her greasy ass head and face. AND she was dark! so you KNOW the sun was hittin HARD offa her shit.

every step closer she took, she got worse and worse. she looked good from afar… but looked far from good. far far far. in a game of inches, she was a several hundred feet away from anything barable. the girl was a 32 all day long. and that might be a lil bit nice, because it happen so long ago lol.
i look over at this nigga jd like oh fuck. then, good ol jd; you can always count on him to put things in perspective for what they really are (we call him the truth). jd looks at me and looks at her… and ill never forget this shit…

“nigga, she looks like a black ass moon cricket!”

sigh and dammit. i damn near pissed on my self. to go from so much reverse information, to this nigga sayin some shit like that, damn near killed me. i tried like HELL to hold back my laughter, but failed!!! BAD! i laughed loud as fuck and for a long time, untill she got up all the way to us, and by that time. i was in fuckin TEARS! this girl walks up and was like, “*smacks lips* is yall laughin at me?!?!”

that made us laugh even harder, but i had to pull myself together. i say  naw naw naw, we just up here talkin shit about some shit that happen earlier (not a lie, really. i didnt say how much earlier. lol like SECONDS earlier lol). i guess jd was done at this point, because he just kinda walked the fuck away. lookin over at me, face red as fuck, teared up, laughin like a muthafucka. and here i am talkin to this girl who honestly looked like fuckin

Antionio Tarver
Dont look like Antionio Tarver in the face

Antionio Tarver in the face, trying my HARDEST to stop laughin, so this girl can give me the 50 bucks she promised me. so im sittin up there choppin it up with her for all of like 3 min. and i get to the important shit. wheres my money? lol of course i didnt say it like that. but basically thats what was crackin.

this girl tells me “well… i need to break this $100.” then she broke out with like 500 dollars, cash. in hundreds. 5 hundreds. i was fuckin shocked. dont ask me why some ghetto ass girl from fontana was walkin around with 500 dollars on her. but she was. just so happens, i had change at the house. but im like FUCK! i dont want this girl to know where i stay! i peep the time (on my pager lol) ok cool, brandy wont be home from school for another 30 to 45 min. so im like alright, i got change at my cousin house where my shit is at. this nigga jd looks at me like ah hell naw you didnt! so we walk over to my house, which i was frontin like it was jd house and im like yea, imma go upstairs and get your change and she wants to follow me up there; i guess she wanted to get cut or somethin, i dont know. but like a DUMB FUCK, im like yea alright. we go up to my room (jds room) and while im bussin out my change for this 100 she got, she is peepin the room out and notices on the walls, MY NAME is all over the fucking place.


im so fuckin dumb lol. but like a true nigga, it aint NEVER over till its over. i say, no it aint!
Yes it is! this is your name all over the walls n shit!
naw, me and jd got the same intials. i go by oj and he go by jd so people dont get confused…
mmmmhmmm… this is yo house!
fuck it, i was busted. but i really didnt say shit after that. lol fuck that, i was gonna ride that shit out to the VERY fuckin end.
i get my money and im TOO cool on her ass now. so im like yea, me and jd is about to roll to……… some where… either that. or… umm you gonna miss your bus! there aint another one that comes around for like 4 hours! i was trying to kick her ass out. i forgot what brand of malarkey i came up with. but it was PUUUUUUURE bullshit. 120% proof.
but in a fucked up ass turn of events, THIS bitch didnt wanna muthafuckin leave all of a gotdamn sudden. she was on some, well, youre gonna have to walk me to the bus.
i looked her dead in her face and said “FUCK THAT!” face saturated with all sorts of disgust and the like. it was hot, and the bus stop was like a mile away. all kinda muthafuckas could have seen me with her ugly ass. i knew everybody that stayed around there. i was already pressin my muthafuckin luck. i aint a gamblin man by far; i wasnt about to walk that muthafucka NO WHERE. im sittin up here lookin at the time thinking, damn shit fuck! my dad is gonna come home pretty soon! brandy is about to come home even sooner than that! lucky for me tho, brandy dont always come over right after school. sometimes she would just call a nigga, like come through. so that MIGHT give a nigga some time. and i needed it because this girl didnt wanna fuckin leave. i couldnt do shit to get her ass to leave either. i tried to get jd to walk her to the bus stop. i think i even offered the nigga money. and he was like aint no way in the fuck.

so now im sittin up with jd in the other room like yo, we need to make this girl shake. like now! then what happens? the muthafuckin door bell rings!
who is it?
its brandy!
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE TIMES!!!!!!!!
i crack the door open… hey! hows it goin?
she tries to come in and i say… yea about that?
and she looks up at me like, boy stop playin and let me in.
turns out, she was coming over to introduce me to her other fine ass friend. on some yea, this is the guy ive been telling you about. *holds head in shame* i know… i know… sigh.
i had no choice, i let her in.
she spots the moon cricket.
“ummm, who the fuck is that??!” ALL Loud and indignant.  lol and in true nigga fashion, i was NOT going out like that! FUCK that lol. i had to hit her off with the TILTED ass version of the story that wouldnt get me swung on. i was busted as fuck,  not totally, not in my eyes at least! i dont remember what exactly i told her. but i didnt tell her that it was jd girl or no retarded shit. i told her some shit like she is some girl that likes me and basically found her way over here and wont leave. (not a total lie. just skewed a tad)
and here go brandys ass, loud as fuck again… “WELL HOW THE FUCK SHE GET IN THE HOUSE?!?!?”
“well…. she had to use the rest room, i wasnt gonna let her piss in the bushes or no shit… i wasnt gonna do….” notice how a nigga didnt go with the typical uummmmmm bullshit while i was trying to conjure up some bullshit!
Brandy: “fuck that! she need to take her ass home!!!”
Me: “she does!”
brandy ran up in the girl face, ready to whoop her ass!!!!! i was like YES! beat that muthafucka ASS!!!!
brandy told the girl something like… umm you need to get the fuck up out my man house, before i beat yo ugly ass!!!
im in the background like YES! beat her ass!!! trying to fuck up a nigga whole shit!!!
then moon cricket said something like, he invited me over here!
my thoughts: OH FUCK!
but lucky for me, brandy wasnt going for it.
but ol moon cricket was insisant that SOMEBODY walk her to the bus stop. and i cant see brandy MAKING jd walk her to the bus stop. but i remember he left out the door with her ass. only to return less than 60 seconds later. JD is an asshole
but while JD was gone, guess who got fuckin swung on ANY muthafuckin way?!?! i thought she fuckin believed me?!?!?!

yes! brandy socked a nigga a good three to four times lol. she wanted to know what the fuck are you fuckin with ugly bitches for when you got me?!?!?! (brandy was fine and she knew it) i responded “well, dont you have a boyfriend? (trife life indeed) i dont have you. plus, i wasnt fuckin with her, i told you what happen.” but she wanted to be hard headed for the sake of being hard headed for like a good 5 min, she just KNEW i was fulla shit, but couldnt prove it! but still,  she did not believe my ass. when im sittin up here thinkin everything was everything when she was ready to whoop ol girl ass. i wasnt ready for that shit at ALL. but i convinced her that i was tellin her the truth. kinda… lol . whatever the case was, she was cool and everything was cool afterward. i got my hugs and kisses and ass grabs n shit on (she had a GREAT ass. good lord!). and i liked her a lil bit more after that, because she was really ready to ride on ol girl. i mean fuck, i couldnt take her by her neck and throw her out the house physically and my sister wasnt around to do it. brandy was kinda down for a nigga. gotta love that shit.

but back to jd.  jd was gone for less than 60 seconds. after brandy left, we laughed about the whole thing. but i was fucked PUZZLED, like nigga what happen?
this nigga jd, said he walked her to the corner, and turned the fuck around like peace bitch! i couldnt believe that shit. i thought she was gonna come back, but she didnt. and she never asked for her money back either lol. through out that whole shit. and i just KNEW she would lol. hey, more power to me! i think me and brandy went to the movies with that money then did some other shit.

The thing about this story though is; its the only time ive EVER been caught up in some bullshit. the only thing that really didnt go wrong with this ordeal is that neither one of my parents came home in the middle of all this. but 70% (thats more than a small amount of misfortune!) of what could have fuckin went wrong, did indeed GO VERY WRONG! lol and im convinced to this day, that is the ONLY reason i got busted so fuckin bad in all my years of trife lifing (you can consider me retired from the trife life these days) i aint NEVER been caught. nothing close to being caught. except this shit! ive done some pretty trifflin shit. WAYYYY more trifflin than this shit. ive NEVER got caught. actually…. no i take that back. i did get caught in some other bullshit kinda. but it didnt effect me directly. i got caught with a girl and muthafuckas just HAD to snitch. the girl involved got her ass whooped. but nothin came back to me. so that dont count all the way.

But back to this story, i damn near feel bad about the shit not because i got caught really. but how i had to get swindle my fuckin way out of the situation. i just wasnt proud of the fact that i had to lie like that. i dont know, maybe im werid. but sheeeeit nigga, me first! lol i wasnt about to get caught if i didnt HAVE to. brandy wasnt my girl, fuck the dumb, this was about principal! i REFUSE to lose!
there was a clear way out of the shit. i just had to fuckin apply my self! shit worked…. lol
but whatever. im pretty sure every girl readin this shit, is like OJ AINT SHIT! honestly, thats old news lol. its the trife life memiors! what do you expect?! but hey, a nigga was young. and it was long time ago (like 96). and i aint on that shit no more. i dont even put myself in those types of positions any more. i got other shit to do. i got bills, shit. i dont have time for all that. PLUS on top of all that, i refuse to down grade! lol through out the whole thing, i had NO real intentions on messin with the moon cricket, even before i knew what she looked like. but fuck, she was talkin about she had some money for a nigga. i was suppose to turn that down?!?! fuck that! lol. i realize i was messin with somebody that was fuckin beautiful. and then it would appear that i was trying to be trifflin, and fuck with some one below sub par. but thats really not the case. all i was thinkin about, was money in my hand. and if she HAPPEN to look better than brandy. well hell? lol shit… brandy had a man. that wasnt me! fuck it! lol.
lol i know this shit is gonna get me in trouble, some how some way. i can feel it. i could be wrong… but, eeehhh i dont know. lol. we’ll see.


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