first off… i thank my God and anybody elses God, that i got home in once peice. because let me tell you. im fucking folded. its raining hard as fuck… and i couldnt see shit.
im drunk and high as fuck.
ive had a pretty ruff day. and the homie told me about this fuction that was going on in hollywood, like thrusday. and i told him i would go. but damn…. i swear i was so cool on actually going. but i said i would. i picked my self up, and shook that shit off (my bad day)…. TWICE!
but when it was time to actually go. my day had just about kicked my ass…. and was actually finding ways to get WORSE!!! can you believe that shit? i know for one, i fucking couldnt. still went tho. because fuck it… i said i would.
so yea… here we go. i went out tonite… to two different spots, and i had a lil bit too much to drink. and smoked before i even got to jane house to pick her up. so ive been fucked up for a good while now.
i dont really believe in getting blowed, or drinking when everything aint honkey fucking doory with me. but tonite. i couldnt help it. shit was that bad today.
anyway…. i was driving home. trying to focus on the lines in the road.
and i was thinking… how would it be to be somebody else?
i dont think enough people think about how it would be, if there were somebody else. how does shit look thru thier eyes? you know how you would handle some shit, but what has happen in another persons life to make them react they way they to do shit? has it been that ruff? or has it been that lax… to the point where shit aint that serious, or more serious than it really should be?
how is it to be some one else? how is it to look they way they do… and feel about looking the way they look. how is it being them… and how would you be, being them, looking they way they look… how would you feel about your self? would you feel the same way they feel. what has lead to them feeling like that? do they have just cause? or are they hyping it? i know some beautiful girls, and too many of them dont believe they are as beautiful as the rest of the world says they are. i cant understand how that happens? its really beyond me. i be thinking they are lying to me about how they feel about themselves and the shit they think sometimes. but whatever.
anyway… i think about that shit more than i should. even looking at random people. or if its somebody i deal with daily. i think about, how would it be, to be them.
but i couldnt be any other one person on this planet. i love me. i love the person i am. i have my flaws. im not the greatest thing going. actually, in some peoples eyes…. im a bad person. lol. but that really doesnt bother me. i say.. so fuck it. oj, youre an asshole. oj youre mean. oj, youre this and that and the other. truth is… i know everything i am and aint. sometimes… ill admit, i dont wanna fess up to shit. but i cant help it. pride gets in the way sometimes. and i feel like i just MUST have the upperhand in any situation im involed in. weither im suppose to or not. lol even if i have no right having the upper hand lol. fuck it.
me… eh, i dont always know about me. and im so so so far from perfect lol. but i cant really imagine being no other way than i am. ive never ever said i wanted some one elses life. being them… having with they have, having thier expereinces that molded them and got them to the point where i would actually be like… yea, id like to be him for how ever long.
i cant see it. i can only be me. as flawed and sometimes great as i am. i suppose i have my moments. but overall, i really really like myself. im not feeling myself like that lol. im not gonna lie tho… sometimes i wish some things about me could be different… or maybe that i could let go of some of the shit i hold on to. maybe one day. maybe not.
i know i could never change who i am for some one else. i can compromise all day long. but in the end, i have to do be me. i have to do what makes me happy for me. because if i cant be happy… then whats the point of being me? i might as well suffer being some one else. and as much as i love me, and being me. i think im probably my own worst enemy. i think i hold myself back from being happy sometimes. and i think that sometimes i could try harder with somethings and let some shit go. and actually, im very very hard on myself. but thats because i want what i want. and i refuse not to be happy. at the expense of my feelings, at the expense of alot of shit. ive lost out on some things… shit that ill never see again in my life. just because i refuse not to have shit the way i want it in some instances. and honestly… it sucks, it hurts sometimes. but i believe in me… and i believe that the shit im after, will make me happiest in the long run. although… the path i take may be filled with pain and heartache, lost and hard lessions learned. but i wont never not be me. and imma do shit my way. i have to. thats just the person that i am, and will always be. i cant imagine it any other way.
even if i end up by myself. at least the only person ill have to blame is me, and im the only person that i could ever hold accountable.
in the end, it will be just me… by myself. just like i am right now… by myself. alone, drunk and high.
typing away and thinking about retarded shit.
but imma have what i want. come hell or high water. i dont care who gets in the way… my girl, my family, my friends, my enemys. i refuse to be held back. that just not me.
but now… my body is giving in to all the alchole and smoke. and ive feel asleep typing this like twice ( im soooooo fucked lol )