Blowed Thoughts

Balance wont let me be great

For about the last 3 months Ive been swamped with work. I havent had time to workout, work on my skill set, get out of the house really or anything. Just work. I have a lot of projects on my plate. Ive worked 10+ hours damn near daily over the past few months. Sometimes going 7+ days with out taking a day off.
Ive been working an onsite gig downtown and now in woodland hills. I have been working 8 and 9 hour shifts, then coming home and working 2+ hours on my freelance project; almost daily.

During the last week of busting my ass, i started to kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its not really all that close; maybe what I see is new energy and excitement about all the things I have on my plate. I have 3 personal projects that I will finally get a chance to work on once I have all these work projects off my plate.

Today is labor day and I really wanted to do one of 2 things today. Finish up one of my freelance project; wouldve taken about 4 hours. Then/or work on one of my personal projects that ive been anxious to complete, which is the new look and build for this here site. I cant wait to get it up. I seriously cant wait. I figured i could get a lot of the grunt work and heavy lifting all done today.

But ive been working a lot. A whole lot. I love what i do but lately Ive been feeling a certain heaviness when its time to get to work. I know what i have to do and how to get it done and where to start, but ive been having the hardest time getting started. Although I want to get started. There has been some kind of disconnect between me wanting to and me actually getting started or keeping a good groove going. Its like I dont want to; and i feel like its for no good reason. Because its what i WANT to do.

I need a break. Today i forced myself to take a break. I refused to sit at my computer today for any reason. Ive been kinda bored; pacing around, thinking about what id be doing if i was working on my site. Thinking about what i have left to do and things i might want to do. Ive been watching tv, watched a movie on netflix. Today i forced my self not to do anything. Not to look for an apt, not put a bunch of energy into cleaning up. Nothing. Just laid around. I hardly ever do this. I feel like i wasted the day away, but i know my body and brain needed it.

But i feel like im being held back. I want to catch up on my work. Im excited to be caught up. I cant wait to get these next few projects launched.

I wish i didnt need breaks. I wish i didnt get burned out. I wish i could would a set number of hours for a set number of days and not get tired of doing that. Not wear down. Eyes not start burning from reading code. Not mentally exhausted from solving problems. Switching windows and keeping track of what im doing, multitasking, etc.
I wish i could just keep it going with the same energy as the first few days.

I feel like this much needed break and balance is holding me back some how. Although i know it will make me more productive in the long run. I guess my wishes for no exhaustion are stronger than they should be.
I hope i come back refreshed off this break.
I cant wait to be done with the projects. So i can get to my dream project that im super excited about. I cant wait!

One reply on “Balance wont let me be great”

I hear you on the work overload. Honestly, I just pull like crazy long days for work, then I am either sleeping or pretending to be sleeping (ie laying in bed doing nothing). This is no way to live! I think this weekend I took some time away from work. Rather than use the time to get ahead on work, I hung out with family, watched a lot of my favorite old TV shows, and did a whole bunch of tooling around with my hardware and upgrading my computer. It was helpful. The only bad thing? It’s 2 am and I am working on something for work smh. But only because I procrastinated, i must have started it at 12:30. Anyways, there is light at the end of our tunnels! Can’t wait to see what you have planned.

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