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Articles from the future NOW: Jalen Rose Gets Fired For Selling Final Calls at Espn

jalen rose
Bristol, Connecticut – Jalen Rose was fired the other day for what was referred to as “Aggressive and forceful sales tactics of religious materials” at the ESPN Studios. The retired nba star apparently has recently converted to the Nation of Islam, and like most new NOI members, they are enthusiastic about pushing their new found knowledge, wisdom, awakening and so forth. There are several complaints and eye witness reports of Rose knocking on the dressing room doors of the Black news anchors at ESPN, in a Jehovah Witness like fashion and delivering his message of Black empowerment, in the same robot tone as he does on the air. Forcing blinks in between syllables and stale enthusiasm. Rose’s message also comes equipped with a publication put out by the Nation of Islam called the “Final Call”. A publication filled with what Jalen called “Knowledge and essential tools for a Black man working in Connecticut!” ESPN management tried to be tolerant and open minded to Jalens new views.
However, we have super secret sources that says management had enough after they had learned between a heated exchange between Jalen Rose and Stewart Scott. Where apparently Rose beat Scott down with a Final Call news paper and had him cowared in a corner and would not stop beating him until Scott agreed to “stop giving away the Black Man’s verbal encryptions”. We assume Jalen was referring to Scott’s frequent use of well known “slang” in his commentary.
When asked about the incident Stewart confirmed the attack and admitted that he agreed to stop using slang on the air, “Yo, of course I agreed to stop using slang! Jalen is crazy stupid big! The kid has a stupid crazy swing with that final call too, yo! He started hitting me and the first thing I thought to my self was – Hater In The Hooooouse! What was he thinking?! I’m just trying to bridge the divide between Bruhs and the Nascar dads, ya dig? I’m not saying he was wrong for beating a brutha down. I’m just saying he don’t work here no more. So it’s back on like donkey kong with the stupid freshness… BOOYAH!!”
Jalen Rose could not be reached for comment because he hasn’t come into work, work most of the day and then get the bad news.
We will keep up updated as the situation develops.

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