Recently, I got my bottom two wisdom teeth removed. So I had to take over a week long hiatus from smoking. Not a problem. Vicodin was a let down. All it did was take away the intense pain and make me HELLA NAUSEOUS! So I spent something like 12 days sober as hell. I was bored as hell. The only real part that sucked about it, is that I was really bored. A lot. I had nothing to do, other than work. I couldnt work out. I had to take that vicodin for like 5 days, so I couldnt drive that whole time.
So since I’m a thinker. I did alot of sober thinking. I wasnt feening to smoke like I’m sure some of my friends reading this think. Of course I wanted to. But I wanted my shit to heal way more than I wanted to smoke basically. So I really wasnt trippin. But I asked myself. Why do I smoke like I do?
What is marijuana doing for me?
Well, I have trouble sleeping. I got HORRIBLE sleep over this sober stint. Ive had trouble sleeping my whole life. At night, its quiet and I lay there and think about any and everything. Its torture. Especially since I love to sleep. I cant sleep when I want to at all. I have to be damn near dog tired to go to sleep. I have a lot of energy naturally, so if I didnt have a long hard day (of if i havent had alot of sex that day lol), Im not going to sleep once I jump in my bed. Im laying there and shifting and thinking. And then some more. Ive tried everything. Nothing works. Sleeping pills scare me to death. I almost died once, it feels VERY similar lol. So thats one of the major roles Marijuana plays in my life.
Another big part I realized Marijuana plays in my life, is the part where I absolutely need to relax. Every human being needs to relax. I just happen to be one of the people who have an extremely hard time doing so. I know a lot of people might think this is total bullshit. But you can ask some of my friends that know me better than others.
When I say relax, I understand that relaxing can mean alot of different things. Some people are relaxed by being in front of a crowd of people. Im talking about the stages of activity a person can be engaged in. There is relaxing, something to do, things you enjoy doing, working and bored. Some people say when they are relaxing by doing something they enjoy, that could mean alot of things. I enjoy what I do for a living, but that certainly isnt relaxing. Some people read a book, watch tv, sew, which or whatever, all kinds of things. To me, thats just something to do. Its not relaxing at all and I may or may not be enjoying myself. Im definitely not resting and taking a break. Im just doing something.
I guess what I mean by relaxing is: being OK and or content with not doing anything. Or maybe just being ok with what you have going on at the time, to the point were youre not bored or looking for something more.
This is a feeling I have rarely experienced sober. Off the top of my head, I can only think of one time in my life where I was totally happy with something. Other than that, what ever I have in front of me, is usually cool for now. But Im going to need something more later. Or either Im still working for something more in the future. While I feel like I appreciate everything Ive worked very hard for and the things I have and have been blessed with. There is still a very powerful “want” there. No matter what it is. Which could be almost anything. From people, things, me… doesnt matter. It makes me look ungrateful to a lot of people, but I dont think they can see what I see or feel what I feel. Hell, I can barely describe it.