May 2008 - Uhmah Park

So earlier, Resha (my joke/cruelty enabler)  tells me about some lady that died at her wedding during the first dance. My first reaction was, like DAMN! thats hella rough!! I cant even imagine going through no shit like that!
Then there was a video attached to it… click here.

Well, the first thing I noticed is that the lady that died was kinda big. So I was thought to my self…. hm, wonder how she died? Unfortunatly I couldnt hear shit with the video, but Resha did go on to tell me that ol girl had diabeties.

So the first thing I thought was damn!? Two fat people got married, and one of them died from a fat person problem no less than an hour into the marriage. Poor fella!

But that isn’t how she died. So I guess she passed out, and they assumed it was because her blood sugar was low, so they proceeded to dump sugar down her throat. So what she ended up dying from, was her friends pouring sugar down her throat and suffocating her. Cold shit. However, I couldnt help but laugh just a little bit. Why?

Because… she was a big girl, probably passed out. Diabetic so she probably passed out from dieting too hard and trying to get in that wedding dress (im making assumptions). And then what does this big girl die of? Sugar down her throat. If you dont see the irony in that. Then I honestly feel sorry for you. Actually, no I dont, I hate you go away. So anyway… thats kinda why I laughed to begin with. I still do find the whole thing tragic as fuck. My heart really does go out to the groom. I mean, fuck…  Imagine how he feels. I didnt hear the report so I dont know who or how they found out she died from having sugar dumped in her mouth. But if it was one of her friends or family or somebody like that and they killed her trying to help her. JEEEEEEZZZZZ. There is about to be alot of not forgiving going on. But that shit still made me laugh. Sorry (not really – for the loss… yea tho lol.) Somebody made a dumb ass mistake tho. And somebody else is more than likely really pissed off about it is all I’m sayin.

Then here goes Resha telling me how they could have revived her “but they poured a buncha fuckin Domino Sugar down her throat”. For a split second I really thought these two big muthafuckas had Dominos cater their wedding.( Hey… worse shit has happen. ) Actually thats probably more of what I wanted to believe. I’ve actually never heard of Domino brand sugar either though. And of course I had to pretend like I was stuck on the thought, that i thought Dominos Pizza sponsored the wedding lol. I know she didnt say C&H on purpose. thats all I’m saying lol. How do you not take that? So yea, thats why I say she is an enabler lol.

But here is the burning question in my mind right now though.

Is this a case of the fat leading the fat? Or a super cold stereotype that went super bad??

I really cant make up my mind which i think it is. Either one is hella funny, because seriously… “pour some sugar in her mouth! That’ll work!” Anyway….

But I bet you’re asking your self right now. Why does he not feel bad about laughing at this shit? Well… you have to ask your self. Why feel bad? If you thought it was REALLY that sad, you wouldnt have laughed in the first place at ALL. Please dont use my Black ass as a scape goat either “well you was making remarks n shit OJ! You made me laugh! You’re evil!!” No… I didnt make you do shit. First of all, if you read this, you could have stoped a long ass time ago lol. Second of all… If what I’m saying, is so evil, then why you laughing? Why aren’t you pissed and appalled that I could say such things? Because you think its funny too. You just want me to take on all the so called moral downside of laughing at the misfortunes and mistakes of others. If I was talking about some shit you REALLY didnt think was funny. You wouldnt be laughing. Like if I was cracking 9-11 jokes or katrina jokes. Might not be as funny. Depending on how serious you took it of course. I’m pretty sure its not funny to the people that it happen to either. Im not that close to the situation. So yea, Im laughin. Just like somebody would be laughing at me if that shit happen to me.

Even if you’re by your self… Why try not to laugh if you think something is funny, just because you may be laughing at a retarded person being exploited or something. First of all, you’re fucked up if you’re doing anything in the scope of laughing. But dont try to surpress your laugh. Why? You already blew it! You think God is gonna notice you not laughing just because you’re trying to hold you’re laugh in. You think you can hide you’re laugh from God?
I can understand if maybe you’re trying to hold your laugh because the person you’re laughing at might be right there. But why waste your time insulting that persons intelligence by trying to tell a bold face lie, like naw, Im not laughin. Yes you are!! Just go ahead and let it out. Then apologize immediately, like hey I’m sorry for laughing (even if youre not) but that was kinda funny. Most times people understand. And if they dont, psh, fuck em. You probably dont wanna hang around nobody like that in the first place lol.

The only times where you probably shouldnt be laughing is if you run the risk of getting your ass whooped. Ive almost gotten my ass whooped a few times laughing at somebody that was really upset about the fact that I was laughing at them. Actually I DID get my ass whooped one time for laughing at somebody. It was fucked up though, because I wasnt laughing at him and he thought I was. And I was laughing when he ran up in my face and didnt know what the fuck he was talking about. And this nigga just started swinging lol. Thats another story tho, and I didnt take a tremendous L, but I took one lol. Still not as bad as it sounds. The other times though, if I would have ended up getting my ass whopped those times, it would have been pretty bad. One of those times would have been by a girl lol. She was a big ass girl. But still lol.

But back to this lady having a bunch of sugar poured down her throat. Who thought this was a good idea in the first place? Were there only like 10 people at this wedding, and NO ONE could figure out maybe this wont work. Another thing thats kind of alarming about this is this: SERIOUSLY… HEY! HER SUGAR IS LOW… PUT SOME SUGAR IN HER MOUTH!!? Im wondering if maybe she did that shit before in front of somebody. Because that is the WORST idea I’ve ever heard of ever. She was white, I’m sure she turned blue at some point. I dont get it.

lol I hope I have this story wrong….. kinda lol not really lol.


This picture was taken probably in 1999 or 2000. By who? Psh, Could have been alot of people. Maybe John, judging on the height of the photo, or it could have been RJ. Who knows.

I remember so much about the things in this picture. This is basically the house I did all of my growing up in. You might be asking your self, ummm OJ, why are there no doors on the cabinets? Well, sigh. My parents (my mom) decided that they were going to refinish the cabinet doors. Why had gotten tile in the kitchen and they (mom forcing my dad) watched hella hgtv, bob villa n shit. They was convinced they could refinished the cabinets. Did that shit ever happen. Well… I’ve been through alot of my old pictures lately, and all the ones in the kitchen…. whatever. Anyway.

This picture is taking me back. I learned how to cook in this kitchen. I’ve gotten my ass beat in this kitchen lol. Alot lol. I’ve slaved cleaning this fucking kitchen up. On my hands and knees cleaning the tile. That shit was wack. I’ve had sex in this kitchen lol. I’ve had one of the most SURREAL moments ever in my life RIGHT there in that spot, damn near in that same position. lol. John and RJ know what I’m talking about lol. That moment damn near changed my life. I had to start looking at my self differently after that shit. I am NOT bullshiting lol. Another story another time though lol.

I was 20 in this picture. Myabe 19. I was just out of “college” in this picture more than likely. lol I feel like I still look the same. Probably a little better groomed though lol. That watch I have on, its a Kenneth Cole watch, it has a black face. I thought it was the greatest shit out when I got it. I bought that watch doing what I’ll just refer to as a “come-up” lol. After the first of many great come ups to come. I had just made about 300 bucks. I was strollin the mall by myself. Saw that watch. Purchased. I still have it.
Those burnt biscuts on the counter are more than likely the result of my dad being blowed, falling asleep and forgeting about them until he smelled them cooking. They still got ate though. Fuck the dumb lol.
That stove, you might recognize it from my kitchen currently. Hand me down! Still works! Still looks good for the most part. Hopefully to be replaced soon actually. Like that dish washer behind me. That used to be in my kitchen too (not the new one). It’s been replaced by something much liver lol. That shit was leaking anyway. It served us well though lol

That chain I have on, I think my sister gave it to me if I remember correctly. I could be wrong though. I used to wear my class ring (97) on it. Don’t hate lol. I just couldnt bring my self to actually wear my class ring is what it really was. That shit was big as fuck. But it was like niggas paid for it, so it had to get some burn some home. Good thing I’m all about compromise, middle ground and alternative solutions lol.
That refrigerator is barely fucking hanging on to life in my parents garage. Not at that house. But in a bigger one, not too far from there. But they will soon be leaving that place too. Dont ask me where they going though. I dont fuckin know.

I still tower over that refrigerator like that, if not more actually. I could have grown since that picture. I dont know how tall I was in that picture, but im 6’6” now.

In the back of me, if you can make it out, there is a china cabinet. Sigh… that china cabinet is the reason why I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to every buy living room furniture ever in my fucking life. Why in the fuck would you pay all that fucking money for shit you dont fucking use but 7 times a gotdamn year. IF THAT?!?!?! And then, make your fucking kids lose precious hours of their fucking childhoods dusting that useless piece of shit. Never fucking even ate out of half that shit. Niggas dont even know where that shit is right now at this very moment.
Yea, I’ve had sex more than once, right where the biscuits and glass are. bang bang. On the other side of the sink too…. and on the floor lol.

That blender back there behind me next to the spice rack. Thats the blender that started my liquor career. I think me and Lonnie asked my Mom very suttly if we could get a drink of the smoothie she was making, and she was like sure and made us one each. Niggas was like AH YEA! She thought she was about to get as faded for the first time, show us how it was under supervision I guess or something. And probably get a good laugh in the mean time. Except for it didnt happen like that lol. She got super faded!! lol And I just had a little buzz. Lonnie was way passed buzzed lol. And it was ME who was laughing at other niggas expense!! And it has been happening like that 80% of the time every since then lol.

Sigh, I can remember spending HOURS scrubbing the grout of that counter top. With a fucking tooth brush. No it wasnt mine. But it was still a fucking toothbrush. You would be surprised how much bullshit can get kunked up in that shit. AND you wouldnt believe how fucking long it takes to fucking get the fuck out. Notice, I have no grout in my kitchen… or house. Shit is NOT an accident lol.

That toaster oven behind me is responsible for 90% of my bad experiences with toaster ovens lol.

I remember one day my sister got choke slammed AGAINST the side of that refrigerator that you can see, by my mom, with one hand, all of a sudden, out of no where, very swiftly lol. Notice how narrow the space is that qualifies for some one to fucking choke slammed against in the first place. Oh, and not once. Like 7 times, back and forth nigga, talking to her telling her what the fuck it was and what the FUCK it was in between slams!!! It was fucking brutal and very fucking gutty!!! GOTDAMN!!!!!!
Niggas ask me all the time, OJ… how is it that you can keep a straight face during some of the shit you say, and not laugh? I’ve been through enough life threatening ass moments like these, is usually my answer. I wasnt the only nigga there that saw that shit too. It was me, John(maybe), JD(maybe) and RJ (for sure) and my Dad. She got folded. And didn’t even fucking cry!!! Which made the shit even more fucking funny!!! She took them blows. But she was in OBVIOUS fucking pain. Gotdamn lmao. She cried when she got upstiairs though. Do you think we laughed when my sister ran upstairs wounded as fuck?? NOOOOPE!!!!! Not at first at least!!!! We made sure my Mom was WELL into her ass whooping before we let out anything!! Fuck that!! Niggas had to fucking leave after that shit. Gotdamn. We didnt feel like it was safe to laugh any where, I still dont think we’ve laughed at that shit all the way lol.

The jack ass who invited that type of lighting system with those plastic things, needs to be drug out into the middle of the street and beat like a dog. No, not the dude who invited it. The dude who ok’d the shit. Because he probably pissed off the dude who invited it, and he gave him THAT bullshit. Presuring him to hurry up n shit lol.

Sigh… Look at young OJ though. Oh if this guy knew what the fuck was ahead of him. He had already been through alot at the moment of this photograph. Who fucking knew ALLLLLL the new bullshit that would be dumped on you ruthlessly. All the address changes. New faces. New situations. New problems. Old problems from this picture even, that you were totally unaware of at the time of this picture.
This guy here, went full steam ahead into the unknown. As hard and as fast as he could. Determine unshakable will. Drove head on into “I dont know”. I don’t know how else to put it. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. I didn’t know where the fuck I was going. But I knew I was getting my Black ass the fuck up out of there, some how some way. I didn’t realize how bad or how much I needed to get the fuck up out of there. I was determined to be successful and comfortable. And I didnt care how fucking hard I had to work to get there. At the moment that picture was taken, my mind state was I didn’t care what I had to do to get there. I just knew I wasnt gonna be fucking dumb about it. Fuck that.
This guy pictured was completely unaware of so much, ranging from a wide span of shit. Sometimes it feels like damn near everything. This guy pictured has done so so so much he would thought he would never do. That guy pictured would have never thought that this guy typing this would be THIS fucking blowed right now. lol. Thats right. Wasnt smoking really in this picture yet. Maybe a few times. But I had actually stopped and wasnt interested for a long time. These days… can I go with out it? Yup. I do it all the time. I just dont do it often enough to count remember or care about.
This guy in this picture has had alot of great fucking times since this picture was taken. WAY better times than before this picture was taken actually. Many many many many great times. With alot of great people. Some of those people I knew before this picture was taken, Alot of those times though have happen with people I’ve met after this picture was taken. Which is kinda sad to me sometimes honestly. But fuck it nigga, the nigga in the picture, feels the same way this nigga typing it does. FUN IS FUN NIGGA!!! The times I have had countless super great times since this picture was taken. Adulthood has been fucking wonderful to me lol. I may have lost my mind at one point. But all in all… its been great. Way better than being a kid by far. It’s really everything the guy in the picture hoped it would be! The guy in the picture really never thought that he could have it as great as this guy typing it does.
Alot of the things that that guy wanted in that picture. This guy typing has, or will have it soon. And if not soon, knows he can get it at some point because, fuck look at all the shit he got now. There was no telling the guy in the picture No, then. And there is no fucking telling this guy typing this shit No now, still. No matter what.
Its been about 10 years since that this shit was taken. The guy typing this is still pushing through the unknown. Just not so fast. At a pace I like to call, In a hurry, but not in rush. So I’m not full steam ahead so much. But I’m moving at a nice fast steady OJ pace, under control. All the while, I’m still passing muthafuckas up.

Thats all for now I guess. A nigga is tired. And I will be recieving hella calls tomorrow (today – in 6 to 8 hours lol), hella early.

Why? peep the date homie. It’s fuckin OJ day. If you’re not gonna give me a gift. You should give somebody else a gift and tell them it was because of me, and then give them a high five!


The forthcoming story, is an account by my cousin JD. But before you get started, let me clear up something.

The girl I was “kicking it with” was not my girlfriend at the time. We never got that far. Now that I think about it, there aint no way in the hell lol. I was messing with this girl by chance. I was at ihop one day, with my little 11 year old cousin, and I think this girl helped me once or twice before. But I thought to myself, she has a decent enough rack… let me see if I can start eating here for free.

So I tell my cousin, watch this. I get this girls number after talking to her for a while. I can’t honestly remember anything I ever did with her. Anywhere we went or anything. I just remember she had a really strong looking jaw. Like she had a under bite, that was very noticeable. She wasn’t ugly, she wasn’t unattractive, but she wasn’t overly attractive. This girl just basically wasn’t fucking up, but her “try” appeared to be mediocre at best. But…. still good enough to cut lol. that was before I knew better lol. That was when I had a thing for tall girls with a lil bit of ass and at least C-Cups. (shits not cutting it these days lol)

I said all that to say, this was really just some girl I was fucking with. Not my girlfriend… I only make it an issue, because I remember how unspectacular she was lol.

anyway… on to the story. lol

————————————————–

MY DATE WITH JANET JACKSON

Man you ever have somebody hook you up with somebody? I have, and rarely has it gone well. Back in the day when I lived in Arizona because of my military obligation. I got the hook up. At the time OJ was living in Phoenix. So every now and then me and this nigga would hang out and whatever. At the time this nigga either had a girlfriend, or some girl that he was having sex with I should say. And him being the true homey that he is, decided that he would inquire as to whether or not his fuck buddy had a buddy for me to fuck to. Well apparently she did. So this nigga once again being the homey that he is, decides that he should hook me up with his girls cousin or friend or whoever she was, sight unseen.
Now that was the first and biggest mistake, the fact that I was getting the cold blind date. But honestly I can’t be mad, because judging from just conversation; I had nothing to be mad at. Matter of fact I’m surprised this nigga didn’t try and leave his girl alone and try and start messing with this one (1). But anyway, yea somehow I end up taking to this broad on the phone. And from the conversation it’s all to the muthafuckin good!!! I was like hell muthafuckin Yea, I’m with it! She was talking about how she had light eyes, and she had long nice hair, aka “Good Hair” and these big soft lips, and this that and the other. And when it came to size she was like I guess you can say I’m a little on the thick side. She really gave me that cold blooded Janet Jackson description from the movie Friday, when Smokey got the hook up from Craig’s sister. Matter of fact if you have seen that scene from that movie you really don’t even need to read further.

Anyway. So we hook it up, I’m gonna go kick it with OJ that upcoming weekend, and in the process I’m gonna hook up with this broad here.

Well finally the moment of truth arrives late Friday or Saturday night. OJ makes the call to his breezy and she says her and her cousin along with some of their friends are going to come by. So me OJ pull into a parking lot and wait. Shortly thereafter a car full of females pulls up. And I instantly start staring into the car to see who I’m finna hook up with. From what I could see everybody was cool looking. OJ pointed out the one that was his, and the other 3 I could see would suffice form, although I did make the mental note that none of these broads looked like Janet Jackson (2). Anyway like I said they did look good enough for me. So anyway everybody starts to pile out of the car, and after I thought everybody was out I quickly learned that I was wrong.

Somehow managing to hide her self in the back seat out of my site was the 5th wheel. She was the last one to exit the car. As she shimmied and inched her self out of the car, it quickly started to dawn on me, that this was my Janet Jackson; I did not want to believe that this broad was for me, because out of all 5 females in the car, this one was the worst! It really wasn’t even that close, undeniably this would be the last pick out of the litter. So there I am hoping that this behemoth is not for me. To my dismay, everybody started to pile back into the car, except for Janet Fatson. Me and OJ kinda looked at each other like “DAAAMMMNNNN, nigga that’s you” I cold see in OJ’s face that he had no idea, he had been fooled the behemoth to, so I wasn’t mad at him , because he looked genuinely shocked and dismayed as did I(3). So the other cars peel off, leaving these 2 behind. Somebody tell me why it is, that this broad did not even wait for introductions, she just instantly rushed over to me, and enveloped me in some kind of Polar bear hug. Then immediately the girl wanted to start taking pictures and shit. I was sitting there in so much shock that I took a few pictures before I even knew what the fuck was happening(4).

I wish I got to see the pictures just so I could see my face. I was not a happy camper by any means. This girl had her arms all over me and was trying to be all hugged up and shit, I didn’t even know this broads name yet, well I did, but I couldn’t remember because I was in such a dumbstruck state. Anyway she is over here taking these lovey dovey ass pictures of me and her, I don’t know maybe she took them back to her friends and lied about how she was able to hook up with me. Anyway the picture horror finally came to an end, and shit is starting to settle down a little bit. And I’m still in shock looking at this big broad, thinking to myself, does this broad really think she looks the way she described herself? Like she did actually have nice hair. And I could tell she had good hair because from underneath her tattered ass braids was about 7 months worth of new growth. She was light skinned, and had pretty eyes. But gotdamn that girl was big as fuck. A “little thick” is where the lie came in. And it was no small lie. Anyway, this broad is just gabbing away, non stop, which is fine with me because the mood I’m in leaves me without to much to say. But this broad was just making some ole off the wall statements, like I was jut really going to be all over it no questions asked. She kept telling us how sexy she was. Nobody was telling her this, she was telling us she was. Then I remember the broad saying her name, and then saying something like “but everybody just calls me sexy” Me and OJ looked at each other like WHAT?!?!?!? This broad was dead serious. She even had the shit programmed into her phone. Now after we heard that statement the situation turned some, from horror, to amusement. (5) For a while there we were really laughing about the situation. OJ sensing that I am not feeling this broad makes the wonderful suggestion that since its late, he just take they ass home and drop them off. I was all for that plan. So we head to somebody house or whatever to drop them off. Somehow we end up walking them back to their apartment, after talking to they ass in the car when we pulled up for a good 10 minutes. Not something I wanted to do, but I did anyway, thinking cool, let’s get these hoes outta here and be on our way. Well this nigga OJ decides he wants to mingle with his girlfriend for a minute and whisper his sweet nothings and what not. So this nigga leaves me with this whalelephant all by myself. So there I am, this whalelephant is saying this that and the other, about how great I am, and how we should be kicking it all the Goodman time, and I’m trying to be cool and not loose my mind and give this broad the business, thinking that ill be gone in a little while and wont have to deal with her. The next thing I know I take a look down the walkway and I see this nigga OJ over there. BY HIMSELF, LOOKING IN MY DIRECTION, LETTING ME SUFFER. (6)

By this time this girl had her hands all over me and shit and was really fondling me. And this nigga OJ was over there fucking laughing at my misfortune. I don’t remember if he was actually laughing, but the nigga wasn’t trying to help me. And the nigga was like trying to be all incognito and sneaky and shit like i couldn’t see him over there. This nigga was trying to get some kind of enjoyment out of my suffering. He didn’t come get me he just and watched the show. Then to make matters worse. gotdamn this is fucked up and I really did bring this upon myself, but hey what can I say I am a man. So during the course of this girl fondling me, my dick starts to get hard. Even though I didn’t want any parts of any type of sex with this chocolate thunder turkey. FUCK!!!! (7)
Then I got so fuckin desperate that I had to resort fucking prayer “Please lord drain all blood from my lower extremities, please lord I don’t want to get hard on her on this big broad, and she thinks that I’m digging all this sexual harassment she is dishing out, please lord smite this bitch or even me” in the midst of prayer this broad reached down and felt that I was standing at attention. FUCK!!! Again. Is what I thought to myself, now everything is gonna get confused. Indeed it did, because next thing I know this big un’is sitting there rubbing me up and down talking about she wishes her family wasn’t in the house so she could take me inside and do this that and the other to me. And I was thinking, thank God they are in there because then I would really just have to fight your big ass off of me, because I know you would try and drag me into the house and reverse rape me or something. So to some point my prayers were answered a little bit. Finally after like what seemed like a fuckin hour of this brutal treatment, OJ finally brought his black ass over there, and was like “alright nigga lets go” finally!!!!!! Man I started bailing so fast. (8)
Me saying bye to her was the only time I was happy throughout the whole episode. Then I asked this nigga how come he didn’t come over there and help my black ass. He basically stated he wanted to watch me suffer. I don’t remember if the broad stole a kiss from or not, I hope not. I would seriously hope that I didn’t stand there and let her kiss me. But I really don’t remember. Anyway we laughed about that shit for the rest of the night, and that was the end of that. She called me a few more times after that but I just blew her off. Eventually she stopped calling me.

——–

OJ’s Commentary:

1. That actually did cross my mind. We called this girl on threeway and for a second, I was thinking like FUCK, why couldn’t I have met her first?! shit.

2. I said the same thing to myself lmao. Where’s Janet at?!?! Then my next thought was… Introduce a nigga to the driver! (this girl didnt have a car… and I’ve always hated fucking with girls who don’t fucking have fucking cars lol)

3. Shock and Awe homie. Foreal. I felt like I had played a dirty cruel joke on this nigga and I really hurt his feelings and crossed the line. That was probably one of the first times in my life I actually felt some kind of guilt lol.

4. This nigga was a deer caught in the headlights. Shit was the guts. Shit I was kinda caught in the headlights too. I couldn’t believe she was on that nigga so tough so soon?! I thought maybe they had been phone boning or something. They was taking pictures n shit. I remember thinking to myself. “Damn, she is gonna lie to somebody telling them JD is her man… I’m sure of it.” I wish I could have seen them pictures again too. Because the look on this nigga face was PRICELESS!

5. YES! my favorite part of the story lmao. THIS BITCH! LMAO! I’m not saying she don’t have the right to think she is sexy. I’m just saying I didn’t see the shit at all, in the least bit, none what so ever. However, me and this girl did have similar modled phones at the time, and I just had to look at her phone to confirm that ‘SEXY’ was the word that replaced the old school AT&T or GTE… you know… back before at&t pretended to split into cingular but was still at&t and then went back. and how GTE just became verizon like nobody would notice (guess niggas didnt lol). Anyway… her shit said SEXY… and I couldnt believe that shit. There was a whole lot of laugh holding after this shit lol. After that moment, JD was right… everything that happen after that was purely for somebodies amusement lol mine or his lmao. mostly mine lmao.

6. LMAO!!!!! THIS IS TRUE! LMAO!!! That shit looked like a ghetto ass missy piggy vs kermit d jankins lmao. Im not sure how good I was REALLY trying to do about hiding. But its possible that i stumbled into this niggas vision from laughing too hard lmao.

7. Hold up hold up hold up… she was fondling THEEEE FUCK out of this man. lmao that shit made ME uncomfortable lmao. This nigga JD wasn’t hiding his uncomfortablness either. lmao. Its a crying ass shame she wasn’t trying to even pay any attention to that shit lmao.

8. LMAO this muthafucka was ALL in this mans pants and didn’t give a SINGLE ass fuck if he liked it or not lmao. I had to pull myself together and go save this nigga. He looked at me like… nigga really? you don’t see this bitch in my pants nigga? When I was like, lets go. This nigga LMAO this nigga YANKED his self out of her clutches. I had to hold my laugh like gotdamn. He gave her the duce and didn’t even peek back. Now I dont know how youre suppose to feel after rubbing on somebodies dick. But if they leave and dont look back at you. How would that make you feel? lol

Oh how blessed we are these days to have cheaper digital cameras and Webcams and phones with cameras on them. (although it aint like I’m benefiting from these technologies any at the moment 😛 but fuck me and whatever.) Back in the day it was hard to avoid shit like this. You just had to kinda trust a muthafucka for their word. You had to be a fucking internet CSI agent n shit (i got my certificate) to try to see if a girl had fake pictures. These days its hella easy to tell.
Calvin has a similar tale, kinda almost but not really. Its funny as fuck though, gotdamn. I seriously almost pissed on myself through that ordeal lmao.

I must say though, JD is the true homie. Because he sat there and took that shit and didn’t try to ruin my cut for the night. What a guy!

Still though, I’ve never seen anybody is SO MUCH shock… they just really couldn’t do better for themselves. I mean, JD could have easily beat this girl off him. But I seriously saw in his eyes, he could not believe what was going on. Like a big ass fat ugly bitch flash bomb blew up in his face and he was disoriented for hella long lmao. Yes nigga… HELLA HELLA LONG LMAO. This nigga got in the car and said something like… “I shoulda socked that bitch!!” Like he finally realized that he didn’t have to sit through all that shit lmao. Like he couldn’t say… “you kinda need to get your hands off my man hood please, thanks.” LMAO!!!!!! I will fully vouch for this niggas shock. It was like when white people lose all they money. It was like he really thought it could never happen to him and it did and he was really having to live it out… and he didnt know when it was gonna end. But his body wouldn’t respond all the way to how nuts his mind was going. Thats what that shit looked like the whole time. gotdamn lmao. Fucking complete distress lmao. I know this nigga was sending out telapathic SOS signals lmao. He was sending me them shits with his eyes through the fucking darkness lmao.
LMAO!!!! I cant stop laughing at this shit. I’ve been trying to put this together for 2 fucking days now. I keep laughing too hard to keep going lol. I could only do a little bit at a time, and I didnt even write the shit lmao.

Lastly, Happy Birthday to my Dad.

even tho he ignores what the fuck i have to say, fucked my whole shit up lol. but like i said, fuck me and whatever. again. lol Yes, my Fathers birthday is 5 days before mine. Dope huh? I always thought it was. Too bad he dont like to celebrate them shits lol. More fun for me nigga. fuck it.


This is what happens when you wake up high and drunk… still. Because you were getting high and drunk as hell maybe a hour or so earlier and you thought you was about to sleep it off, but you woke up prematurely for some reason.

This is what happens:

video://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsG0_w69Ykc

You know what I think happen? I think maybe if he could possibly fly, his powers were stripped from him when he made the fucking bird noise. LMAO Muthafucka super man could fly, he didn’t “caw” lmao.

This commercial is the fucking GUTS!!!

The first time I saw it, it caught a nigga off guard and I thought I was gonna sophisticate myself from laughing too damn hard.

His homeboy couldn’t even believe he actually jumped out the window.

That man is better than me, I would have probably damn near fell out the window pointing and laughing at this muthafucka. Gotdamn.

This shit is way too funny.

Yall Welcome.


jalen rose
Bristol, Connecticut – Jalen Rose was fired the other day for what was referred to as “Aggressive and forceful sales tactics of religious materials” at the ESPN Studios. The retired nba star apparently has recently converted to the Nation of Islam, and like most new NOI members, they are enthusiastic about pushing their new found knowledge, wisdom, awakening and so forth. There are several complaints and eye witness reports of Rose knocking on the dressing room doors of the Black news anchors at ESPN, in a Jehovah Witness like fashion and delivering his message of Black empowerment, in the same robot tone as he does on the air. Forcing blinks in between syllables and stale enthusiasm. Rose’s message also comes equipped with a publication put out by the Nation of Islam called the “Final Call”. A publication filled with what Jalen called “Knowledge and essential tools for a Black man working in Connecticut!” ESPN management tried to be tolerant and open minded to Jalens new views.
However, we have super secret sources that says management had enough after they had learned between a heated exchange between Jalen Rose and Stewart Scott. Where apparently Rose beat Scott down with a Final Call news paper and had him cowared in a corner and would not stop beating him until Scott agreed to “stop giving away the Black Man’s verbal encryptions”. We assume Jalen was referring to Scott’s frequent use of well known “slang” in his commentary.
When asked about the incident Stewart confirmed the attack and admitted that he agreed to stop using slang on the air, “Yo, of course I agreed to stop using slang! Jalen is crazy stupid big! The kid has a stupid crazy swing with that final call too, yo! He started hitting me and the first thing I thought to my self was – Hater In The Hooooouse! What was he thinking?! I’m just trying to bridge the divide between Bruhs and the Nascar dads, ya dig? I’m not saying he was wrong for beating a brutha down. I’m just saying he don’t work here no more. So it’s back on like donkey kong with the stupid freshness… BOOYAH!!”
Jalen Rose could not be reached for comment because he hasn’t come into work, work most of the day and then get the bad news.
We will keep up updated as the situation develops.

Hilary is refuses to stop fucking up.

Recently the leader of Iran went to the UN bitching and whining about Hilary saying that she would obliterate Iran if they dared attacked israel. Obliterate?!?! Doesn’t that seem kinda rough? Why didn’t she just say “id cut Tehrans fucking dick off!”… Might as well lol damn. Im starting to think the clintons say whatever the fuck they feel like lol.

What does it say when republicans rather run against this person? Republicans who have clearly been up to no good openly. What kind of sense does it make for the opposition to support one half of the other side if they didn’t fear the side they aren’t supporting. Duh. Its no wonder she has so many defectors lol.

I don’t know, maybe the biggest thing I cant understand is why would somebody as smart as her, use the word “Obliterate” with people who – when they speak english or their version of it – use words like fucking “INFIDEL” and “comrade”. You would think a word like “Obliterate” would be on their short list of words they learn that mean “fuck americans up”

Not only that, but Iran is pretty fucking big. I’m sure Tehran and the like was looking around like hey, we got a lot of space my friend. Obliteration would require alot of fucking work. You mutahfuckas are already fucking up Iraq. But you want to fucking OBLITERATE US?!?!?!?

They call this man crazy. He could have easily taken offense to that (I probably would have, but I’m ignorant as fuck, what do I know? lol) and marched into Iraq with hella troops and started World War 3. But what did this guy do? He went to the UN bitching about what she was talking about. She ain’t even president, and this nigga is calling foul. That should tell people something. He don’t want none. Which is smart, because we really don’t either.

But Obliteration is still the threat of all threats. Hiroshima, got fucking obliterated lol. Are you really prepared to go that gotdamn far over fucking Israel?! Is it THAT serious?

All I’m saying is, you have to back Obliteration up homie lol. Especially against some people that already don’t like you. And they already trying to get at us on the sly, giving niggas guns and training n shit. At least be mad over that first lol. Dont threaten Obliteration over some shit that more than likely will never happen. Gotdamn.

Maybe she was tired when she said that shit too. Like yea, we’d fuck them up, whatever, a bitch is tired n shit. fuck Iran anyway. Tehran doesnt wanna fuck with me. gotdammit, does he know who the fuck I am? I’ll cut his fuckin dick off! Imma need a chocolate something after this interview, gotdamn.

lol

oh yea… ps… A GAS TAX HOLIDAY DOESNT MAKE SENSE IF THESE MUTHAUFCKAS KEEP RAISING THE FUCKING PRICE OF GAS, ASSHOLES!!!!! The shit has already shot up pass the 18 cents you said we where gonna save!!! What kind of Reganomictrics ass math is this!?!?!?

I have alot of shit to accomplish between now and the end of the year, but that shit wont get here fast enough. Actually, it can wait… Hopefully if I play my cards right, I’ll be straight by then no matter who becomes president. Thank God for Porn.


Earlier today, I was on the phone with Resha, and she was telling me how she was looking at some poor seeing eye dog. He was stuck in the rain, looking depressed as fuck that his owner had him in the rain. Stuck, wet and miserable looking.

And that got me to thinking…

What if the dog was really depressed and was like fuck it. Im just about to walk out in the middle of the street and get hit by this bus. I don’t feel like living no more. I hate being a seeing eye dog. So the dog see’s a big ass bus coming and steps out into the middle of the street. Taking his owner with him because well, the owner is blind and trust the dog to do the right thing. Here goes the owner, like “hey… Rex, are we in the street… I feel like I hear a bus?”. Because Rex dont feel like living no more, thats why. Sorry… he’s taking you with him.

Or what if… If you was going sky diving, and you was hooked to a sky diving specialist. But little did you know, he just caught his wife of 20 years and his best friend of even longer than that in the bed fucking earlier this morning. And they didnt really stop, they was just like… “you know what? we was gonna tell you…”. Fast Forward to right now, and here you are, strapped to this man. Thinking you’re on some thrill seeker shit. You and this guy jump out this plane with the rest of your thrill seekers. One by one your fellow thrill seekers and their respective sky diving specialist that they are strapped to pull their respective parachutes. However, you’re still free falling. You look up see every body pulling up. Then you look down to see this man staring back at you like… “psh, fuck pulling this cord. I don’t even wanna be here no more. I don’t give a fuck about what you going through”. Quick hands, luck and some intuition about where that life saving cord might be, may help you out. But remember, he’s a specialist. He probably already thought about that. Now you’re going with him.

Or what if… You’re a window washer on a sky scrapper some where. You’re a million floors up. You and your partner put the little window washer thing together and get to washing windows. A few floors down you start to notice your partner really ain’t giving too much of a fuck about washing these windows. He is just kinda going through the motions. You ask your partner “hey man, whats wrong with you?”. Thats when he decides to tell you that he got caught soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom. His wife and family found out and now he can never look them in the face again. Just as you’re thinking to your self, “Gotdamn thats rough… and ugh? Not that I have a problem with that, but damn I never would have thought. Time out an airport bathroom dogg?”. Next thing you know, you feel a big jolt, hear a snap and a thud. You look over at this man to find him unlatching the last piece of whatever that is keeping you both in the sky because he did a shady job of putting his shit together in the first place. He turns around and looks at you like. Psh, oh well. “What do you mean oh well?!?!?!?!” He means, he may have not have thought this all the way through, but you’re going with him.

Or what if… Your best friend was a suicide bomber and you had the slightest damn clue. (Hey, it happen to the lil boy on 24. lol) One day, yall are shooting the shit. Yall go into a crowded starbucks, cracking jokes n shit. You thinking yall making plans for the weekend to go to the club, fuck with some bitches or some shit. Then this guy turns to you and says, “Hm, this looks good, I think I’ll be blowing this muthafucka up.” and you say, “HA? You over there fartin’ n shit?”
He looks back at you with a look like, I kinda have something to tell you, but fuck it. Then says, “… um no.”
Then he screams “ALLAH AKBAHHH!!!!”
And you say… “what do you mean Allah… huh??
Translation: my friend my friend, you’re coming with me my friend.

alright thats it for now.

lol


Earlier today, I was on the phone with Resha, and she was telling me how she was looking at some poor seeing eye dog. He was stuck in the rain, looking depressed as fuck that his owner had him in the rain. Stuck, wet and miserable looking.

And that got me to thinking…

What if the dog was really depressed and was like fuck it. Im just about to walk out in the middle of the street and get hit by this bus. I don’t feel like living no more. I hate being a seeing eye dog. So the dog see’s a big ass bus coming and steps out into the middle of the street. Taking his owner with him because well, the owner is blind and trust the dog to do the right thing. Here goes the owner, like “hey… Rex, are we in the street… I feel like I hear a bus?”. Because Rex dont feel like living no more, thats why. Sorry… he’s taking you with him.

Or what if… If you was going sky diving, and you was hooked to a sky diving specialist. But little did you know, he just caught his wife of 20 years and his best friend of even longer than that in the bed fucking earlier this morning. And they didnt really stop, they was just like… “you know what? we was gonna tell you…”. Fast Forward to right now, and here you are, strapped to this man. Thinking you’re on some thrill seeker shit. You and this guy jump out this plane with the rest of your thrill seekers. One by one your fellow thrill seekers and their respective sky diving specialist that they are strapped to pull their respective parachutes. However, you’re still free falling. You look up see every body pulling up. Then you look down to see this man staring back at you like… “psh, fuck pulling this cord. I don’t even wanna be here no more. I don’t give a fuck about what you going through”. Quick hands, luck and some intuition about where that life saving cord might be, may help you out. But remember, he’s a specialist. He probably already thought about that. Now you’re going with him.

Or what if… You’re a window washer on a sky scrapper some where. You’re a million floors up. You and your partner put the little window washer thing together and get to washing windows. A few floors down you start to notice your partner really ain’t giving too much of a fuck about washing these windows. He is just kinda going through the motions. You ask your partner “hey man, whats wrong with you?”. Thats when he decides to tell you that he got caught soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom. His wife and family found out and now he can never look them in the face again. Just as you’re thinking to your self, “Gotdamn thats rough… and ugh? Not that I have a problem with that, but damn I never would have thought. Time out an airport bathroom dogg?”. Next thing you know, you feel a big jolt, hear a snap and a thud. You look over at this man to find him unlatching the last piece of whatever that is keeping you both in the sky because he did a shady job of putting his shit together in the first place. He turns around and looks at you like. Psh, oh well. “What do you mean oh well?!?!?!?!” He means, he may have not have thought this all the way through, but you’re going with him.

Or what if… Your best friend was a suicide bomber and you had the slightest damn clue. (Hey, it happen to the lil boy on 24. lol) One day, yall are shooting the shit. Yall go into a crowded starbucks, cracking jokes n shit. You thinking yall making plans for the weekend to go to the club, fuck with some bitches or some shit. Then this guy turns to you and says, “Hm, this looks good, I think I’ll be blowing this muthafucka up.” and you say, “HA? You over there fartin’ n shit?”
He looks back at you with a look like, I kinda have something to tell you, but fuck it. Then says, “… um no.”
Then he screams “ALLAH AKBAHHH!!!!”
And you say… “what do you mean Allah… huh??
Translation: my friend my friend, you’re coming with me my friend.

alright thats it for now.

lol