You know Im going to miss you.
I love the summer time and everything that comes with it.
I love everything right now. Currently im driving down the 134 freeway, east bound, rolling through Glendale. The moon is full and hovering over the city scape. The moon isnt all that “high” in the air, its about 8pm. The moon is a dull yellow, big and absolutely gorgeous. The moon is one of my favorite things to look at, its something like hypnotic. When i look at the moon, im almost at a lost for words. My thoughts are overwhelmed with the fact that there are countless other people looking at the moon, right now, just as i am. People i will never know and never meet. This is the closest physical connection.
I think about all of the people that ive personally known and forgotten; miss or gladd to see gone; hated and or loved. I wonder if theyre looking at the moon at the same time im looking at the moon? Then i take in the fact that its only physical connection ill ever have with these people unless our paths happen to cross again.
I am happy right now
Although ive worked an 8 hour shift that didnt feature a lunch. Mainly because i wasnt all the way starving because i have been snacking on various snacks provided by a company im freelancing for these days. Ive eaten all kinds of bananas, granola bars, oatmeal, mixed nuts, somebody brought pie; by the time i looked up, it was 3:30pm. Who goes to lunch at 3:30? Lol. I could have, bit i was in the middle of something.
I absolutely love what i do for a living. Im a web developer. I build websites and do web stuff all day long. And i get paid for it; which is awesome because, i can assure you, if i wasnt at somebodies office doing this from 9 to t, id be at home doing the same damn thing in my draws, for free or in my spare time.
Its a nice warm…. fall night. Summer has passed me by. But this is Los Angles, the valley. Its warm as fuck lol. So im doing 75 on the freeway (now the 210, in upland) with the windows down, Jay-Z on the ipod. Back in Glendale, (because now im in upland) when i got a good look at the moon over the city, Jay-Zs Dear Summer came on and put a bow on the deep down good feelings im going through right now.
Im in a good mood!
One of my favorite MC’s. One of my favorite songs. The song and the sample.
I have on one of my favorite colors (red) and i still smell good from earlier (sean paul gaultier 2 – i spelled that wrong lol.). Im typing this whole entry on my phone, which i love and waited for for-fucking-ever (droid 4 — fucking verizon). I love LTE. I love where technology is these days to where I can do stuff like this while on the freeway. Im still blowed from smoking earlier; although typing this whole thing out with 2 thumbs instead of 10 fingers is proving to take longer than id like lol.
Im super happy to just be happy right now. What do i mean by that? Well, right now i have a happyness that i can feel. There are things going on in my life that would be fucking my day up if this was 2010. There would be no way i could feel as good as i do right now, back then. Even though ive had to sit through some super punk ass shit for the last week or so. More than once, more than twice. If this were 2010, id be way too pissed off and mad as hell until i addressed these punk ass people and this punk ass shit. And even after that. But im not mad. Well i am, but im not. Its not taking over my day or my thoughts. Thats what im used to. Im used to being hella mad right now. Im used to knowing all these good things were going on in my life but not being able to feel them because id be so damn mad. Or because everything wasnt exactly perfect in my life. Id only feel something like this happy if i were having a lot of fun with a lot of people, totally distracted from every last thing in my life. But that feels totally different than this. Im not happy like im having a good time.
Im just happy and appreciative. You may be reading this and thinking that im putting a lot on my feelings right now. But this feeling is new to me.
Ive seen people say they felt like this. People who cared about me wish, hope and pray that i could feel like this. And me wondering what the hell it felt like to feel like this.
Ive been jealous of people who could sit around and be happy and feel it no matter what was going on in their life for so so so long. And ive worked plenty hard to be able to have these feelings. I battled a lot of personal demons, faced a lot of pain and had to make some really hard changes.
But the way im feeling right now has made all that hard work worth it. Im not happy where im doing cartwheels down the street and pissing everybody off because im too gotdamn happy. I just am. I have a happyness that nobody else is giving me except me. My happyness has nothing to do with not a single soul on this planet.
For the past 6 or so months, ive been able to feel this way. This is the first time in my entire 33 years ive been able to feel this way. In these past few months; for the first time ever. Despite all of the solid gold bullshit ive been dealing with over these same past months; im happier than ive ever been ever. Not at this moment, just in general. The moment where the moon was right, the night was right and sound track was right, just reminded me of how im feeling overall. Its awesome. I love it.
Thats what i mean by, im super happy to be happy.
I thought id never be able to feel this way.
Im not walking around grinning from ear to ear or anything like that. But if you asked me “OJ are you happy?” My answer is yes. Before it wouldve been: eehh, everything is alright i guess, i wouldve never said yes and left it there.