Friday, May 23, 2008
The Trife Life Memoirs: Janet Jackson and Self Smite
The forthcoming story, is an account by my cousin JD. But before you get started, let me clear up something.The girl I was "kicking it with" was not my girlfriend at the time. We never got that far. Now that I think about it, there aint no way in the hell lol. I was messing with this girl by chance. I was at ihop one day, with my little 11 year old cousin, and I think this girl helped me once or twice before. But I thought to myself, she has a decent enough rack... let me see if I can start eating here for free.
So I tell my cousin, watch this. I get this girls number after talking to her for a while. I can't honestly remember anything I ever did with her. Anywhere we went or anything. I just remember she had a really strong looking jaw. Like she had a under bite, that was very noticeable. She wasn't ugly, she wasn't unattractive, but she wasn't overly attractive. This girl just basically wasn't fucking up, but her "try" appeared to be mediocre at best. But.... still good enough to cut lol. that was before I knew better lol. That was when I had a thing for tall girls with a lil bit of ass and at least C-Cups. (shits not cutting it these days lol)
I said all that to say, this was really just some girl I was fucking with. Not my girlfriend... I only make it an issue, because I remember how unspectacular she was lol.
anyway... on to the story. lol
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MY DATE WITH JANET JACKSON
Man you ever have somebody hook you up with somebody? I have, and rarely has it gone well. Back in the day when I lived in Arizona because of my military obligation. I got the hook up. At the time OJ was living in Phoenix. So every now and then me and this nigga would hang out and whatever. At the time this nigga either had a girlfriend, or some girl that he was having sex with I should say. And him being the true homey that he is, decided that he would inquire as to whether or not his fuck buddy had a buddy for me to fuck to. Well apparently she did. So this nigga once again being the homey that he is, decides that he should hook me up with his girls cousin or friend or whoever she was, sight unseen.
Now that was the first and biggest mistake, the fact that I was getting the cold blind date. But honestly I can’t be mad, because judging from just conversation; I had nothing to be mad at. Matter of fact I'm surprised this nigga didn’t try and leave his girl alone and try and start messing with this one (1). But anyway, yea somehow I end up taking to this broad on the phone. And from the conversation it’s all to the muthafuckin good!!! I was like hell muthafuckin Yea, I’m with it! She was talking about how she had light eyes, and she had long nice hair, aka “Good Hair” and these big soft lips, and this that and the other. And when it came to size she was like I guess you can say I’m a little on the thick side. She really gave me that cold blooded Janet Jackson description from the movie Friday, when Smokey got the hook up from Craig’s sister. Matter of fact if you have seen that scene from that movie you really don’t even need to read further.
Anyway. So we hook it up, I’m gonna go kick it with OJ that upcoming weekend, and in the process I’m gonna hook up with this broad here.
Well finally the moment of truth arrives late Friday or Saturday night. OJ makes the call to his breezy and she says her and her cousin along with some of their friends are going to come by. So me OJ pull into a parking lot and wait. Shortly thereafter a car full of females pulls up. And I instantly start staring into the car to see who I’m finna hook up with. From what I could see everybody was cool looking. OJ pointed out the one that was his, and the other 3 I could see would suffice form, although I did make the mental note that none of these broads looked like Janet Jackson (2). Anyway like I said they did look good enough for me. So anyway everybody starts to pile out of the car, and after I thought everybody was out I quickly learned that I was wrong.
Somehow managing to hide her self in the back seat out of my site was the 5th wheel. She was the last one to exit the car. As she shimmied and inched her self out of the car, it quickly started to dawn on me, that this was my Janet Jackson; I did not want to believe that this broad was for me, because out of all 5 females in the car, this one was the worst! It really wasn’t even that close, undeniably this would be the last pick out of the litter. So there I am hoping that this behemoth is not for me. To my dismay, everybody started to pile back into the car, except for Janet Fatson. Me and OJ kinda looked at each other like “DAAAMMMNNNN, nigga that’s you” I cold see in OJ’s face that he had no idea, he had been fooled the behemoth to, so I wasn’t mad at him , because he looked genuinely shocked and dismayed as did I(3). So the other cars peel off, leaving these 2 behind. Somebody tell me why it is, that this broad did not even wait for introductions, she just instantly rushed over to me, and enveloped me in some kind of Polar bear hug. Then immediately the girl wanted to start taking pictures and shit. I was sitting there in so much shock that I took a few pictures before I even knew what the fuck was happening(4).
I wish I got to see the pictures just so I could see my face. I was not a happy camper by any means. This girl had her arms all over me and was trying to be all hugged up and shit, I didn’t even know this broads name yet, well I did, but I couldn’t remember because I was in such a dumbstruck state. Anyway she is over here taking these lovey dovey ass pictures of me and her, I don’t know maybe she took them back to her friends and lied about how she was able to hook up with me. Anyway the picture horror finally came to an end, and shit is starting to settle down a little bit. And I’m still in shock looking at this big broad, thinking to myself, does this broad really think she looks the way she described herself? Like she did actually have nice hair. And I could tell she had good hair because from underneath her tattered ass braids was about 7 months worth of new growth. She was light skinned, and had pretty eyes. But gotdamn that girl was big as fuck. A “little thick” is where the lie came in. And it was no small lie. Anyway, this broad is just gabbing away, non stop, which is fine with me because the mood I’m in leaves me without to much to say. But this broad was just making some ole off the wall statements, like I was jut really going to be all over it no questions asked. She kept telling us how sexy she was. Nobody was telling her this, she was telling us she was. Then I remember the broad saying her name, and then saying something like “but everybody just calls me sexy” Me and OJ looked at each other like WHAT?!?!?!? This broad was dead serious. She even had the shit programmed into her phone. Now after we heard that statement the situation turned some, from horror, to amusement. (5) For a while there we were really laughing about the situation. OJ sensing that I am not feeling this broad makes the wonderful suggestion that since its late, he just take they ass home and drop them off. I was all for that plan. So we head to somebody house or whatever to drop them off. Somehow we end up walking them back to their apartment, after talking to they ass in the car when we pulled up for a good 10 minutes. Not something I wanted to do, but I did anyway, thinking cool, let’s get these hoes outta here and be on our way. Well this nigga OJ decides he wants to mingle with his girlfriend for a minute and whisper his sweet nothings and what not. So this nigga leaves me with this whalelephant all by myself. So there I am, this whalelephant is saying this that and the other, about how great I am, and how we should be kicking it all the Goodman time, and I’m trying to be cool and not loose my mind and give this broad the business, thinking that ill be gone in a little while and wont have to deal with her. The next thing I know I take a look down the walkway and I see this nigga OJ over there. BY HIMSELF, LOOKING IN MY DIRECTION, LETTING ME SUFFER. (6)
By this time this girl had her hands all over me and shit and was really fondling me. And this nigga OJ was over there fucking laughing at my misfortune. I don’t remember if he was actually laughing, but the nigga wasn’t trying to help me. And the nigga was like trying to be all incognito and sneaky and shit like i couldn’t see him over there. This nigga was trying to get some kind of enjoyment out of my suffering. He didn’t come get me he just and watched the show. Then to make matters worse. gotdamn this is fucked up and I really did bring this upon myself, but hey what can I say I am a man. So during the course of this girl fondling me, my dick starts to get hard. Even though I didn’t want any parts of any type of sex with this chocolate thunder turkey. FUCK!!!! (7)
Then I got so fuckin desperate that I had to resort fucking prayer “Please lord drain all blood from my lower extremities, please lord I don’t want to get hard on her on this big broad, and she thinks that I’m digging all this sexual harassment she is dishing out, please lord smite this bitch or even me” in the midst of prayer this broad reached down and felt that I was standing at attention. FUCK!!! Again. Is what I thought to myself, now everything is gonna get confused. Indeed it did, because next thing I know this big un’is sitting there rubbing me up and down talking about she wishes her family wasn’t in the house so she could take me inside and do this that and the other to me. And I was thinking, thank God they are in there because then I would really just have to fight your big ass off of me, because I know you would try and drag me into the house and reverse rape me or something. So to some point my prayers were answered a little bit. Finally after like what seemed like a fuckin hour of this brutal treatment, OJ finally brought his black ass over there, and was like “alright nigga lets go” finally!!!!!! Man I started bailing so fast. (8)
Me saying bye to her was the only time I was happy throughout the whole episode. Then I asked this nigga how come he didn’t come over there and help my black ass. He basically stated he wanted to watch me suffer. I don't remember if the broad stole a kiss from or not, I hope not. I would seriously hope that I didn’t stand there and let her kiss me. But I really don’t remember. Anyway we laughed about that shit for the rest of the night, and that was the end of that. She called me a few more times after that but I just blew her off. Eventually she stopped calling me.