On GP (General Purposes) Archives - Uhmah Park

Jimmy Kimmel, has Snoop up here narrating nature films. This is everything awesome as you hope it to be!

I fucked around and found a whole “Plizzanet Earth” playlist! Gotdamn, I didnt think I was gonna make it through this whole thing. I couldnt stop laughing. Im so glad I smoked before I watched this.

There are only 4 Plizzanet Earth videos. I dont know which one is my favorite. Ive looped through these a few times and I cant decide. MY GOD! This shit was hilarious!


This kills me every single fucking time! Batman went in on Superman. Even Commissioner got in on it. They let their true feelings be known and held back nothing. That was like a roast and an intervention at the same time. But more roast than intervention.

The guy playing Batman must really not like superman in real life. It felt like he had been waiting to say that for a while. Even through the hilarious ass Batman accent, you could hear true grievances in his voice. Grievances he has probably had since a kid. Probably has been in a few heated comic book nerd debates, in his life time.

I think thats what kills me underneath all of the obvious jokes. You can tell that man really doesn’t fuck with superman like that, AT ALL. This is hilarious!

In the debate over Batman vs superman, I go with Batman every time. Batman had money. A lot of damn money. Superman, was a reporter. Not saying reporters are broke, but reporters don’t have Batman money, thats a fact.

One could make the argument that:

  1. Money doesn’t make you happy
  2. Batmans parents died and money isnt going to bring them back.

To that I say: youre right, but, Supermans parents died too. And his adopted Dad died! But money wouldn’t make your pain more comfortable? You rather grieve in a small apartment or a big ass “manor”, having your butler bringing you your sad blanket? Right.

What I’ve never understood is, why have all those super powers and live a low income life? That makes no sense! At least get your middle class on, damn. This man already had a weak ass alter ego/disguise, why the fuck not? He wouldn’t even have to commit crimes to make money. He could easily super learn his way to the top. He reads and does a whole bunch of other shit super fast. Why can’t he learn some shit that will better his life super fast? I dont get it.

On the other hand, Superman as a rich white guy would fucking suck for everyone else. Ha!

 


JD: This Nigga said Jerry Sloan looks like he washes his hair with a bar of soap

OJ: LMAOODHSODB
Oh shit

JD: My exact reaction

OJ: Oooh shit lmaooooo

rj: Lmaooooo

 


i040913nonseq

 

I used to read the comic section daily. Garfeild and Non Sequitur are my favorites! One monday morning, in ’03 or ’04, I saw this, and I instantly incorporated the word “Jackassery” and then the remix of “Fuckery” into my vocabulary, and I’ve been using it every since. This shit killed me when I first read it lol. Some of my favorite shit ever!!!!!

I need to figure out a way to get the comics i used to read to my facebook feed or email or something. I love a good joke


Another awesome link from one of my favorite friends! This shit here is way too fucking funny. Awesome narration. It needs to be taken to audio; by Morgan Freeman, if at all possible!! lol I cried my own actual tears reading this shit around the 1:15pm mark. I couldnt hold it in any longer. I was at work laughing hard as fuck; openly not working lol.

The original post is here.

Yoga mat for sale. Used once. – $1 (Bellevue)

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don’t exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other’s body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don’t worry, I’ll mention them later.)

12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I’m in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, “for better or worse” is what we committed to so we press on.

12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don’t get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.

1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can’t really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it’s voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It’s like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and ‘cool down’ in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level – probably by 15 degrees. So let’s conservatively say it’s 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day’s turmoil and mental scaring.

1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein — effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the “shakes” consume my body.

4:29p
Note to self – check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.


So thats Sharane? I see why this man talked about her all album lol. This nigga just stood there while she stole the show. I didnt even notice he wasnt rapping the first time I saw this video lol. I may have risked an ass whoopin going to see her back in the day myself lol.

That Lincoln is my dream car. I will own one. Eventually. I cant wait. You wont be able to tell me SHIT in that thing! When I get my Lincoln, Im going to talk all my homegirls into making a twerk video on my shit just like that too lol. Im not going to stand there in the video though, I dont wanna see me like that lol. I just wanna watch. Its going to be great. I sure I have at least 5 homegirls who are down lol

This is a great video; Kendricks dad is the gotdamn guts. Great imagery all around.

Im starting to like Kendricks videos, they all seem to tell some kind of story or follow some kind of story line.


 

am I wrong cuz I wanna get it on till I die

This is my new favorite song for a while lol.

I love James Brown. The Big Payback is one of my favorite songs of all time. Probably because I love revenge lol.

People like to say that Revenge is a bad thing. People say that no matter how much Revenge you get, Revenge will never make you feel better. I agree.

Revenge will never make you feel better all the way. Not even as much as you want to when you have nothing but Revenge in your heart. Revenge will never take away the pain of the wrong that was done to you.

Yet, I still absolutely love Revenge. I love stories about Revenge. I love to have my Revenge.
When Im out for Revenge, Im not out to make myself feel better. I know in my head and heart that no matter what I do, I will never feel better about what was done to me; I am fully aware of that going in and im OK with it. Knowing that truth, doesnt weaken my appetite for Revenge at all.

Why? Because fuck you thats why lol. Thats really all I can hear.


Fucking FINALLY! Ive been wanting to put up a new layout for this site for at least 2 years now. It always takes me FOREVER to produce a new layout for this site. If I could, I’d redesign and layout this site every time I learn something new. Thats why I wanted this domain way back, years and many moons ago; to practice and expand my skill set. Usually when I make a new layout for this site Im trying something Ive never done before. Which has lead to SEVERAL layouts never seeing the light of day because by the time I learned what I was doing, I was either no longer interested in the design or …. hell something. I have a least 4 designs where this has happen over the years.

This is the….. maybe 7th different layout of this site since 2001. I feel some kind of way about that, but eh; I lead a crazy life, me and time are in an eternal struggle for power and control and I stay losing lol. I’d really like to practice and expand on my skill set more often, but Im so suck with time management. Im working on it, but like I said, its an eternal struggle lol.

I started on this layout in June of this year and I got it up the same year. This is a pretty big gotdamn deal for me lol.
I started back on June 5th, according to the properties on the psd. Inbetween that time a lot has happen for/to me. I moved, switched jobs twice, lost a car and a lot of other shit. If you know me, you know I work A LOT. In that time I’ve worked several 14+hr days and 60+ hr weeks. I dont know where I found the time to get this done. In years past, this would have never gotten done. I changed directions on the design of this thing, probably 3 times. I didnt and couldnt work on it every day. But Im pretty happy I made it happen. Maybe because I knew what I was doing the whole time I was making this thing. I had a pretty clear vision of what I wanted to accomplish.

Ive noticed that the web is really changing; with more and more people browsing the net on their phones and tablets, I felt like this site should cater to that. I get a lot of mobile traffic form twitter and facebook. Thats where everybody hangs out on the net these days. Nobody is going to search “Black Kayaking Enthusiast” (which I am the top search result for lmaooo) and end up here.  Twitter, Facebook and social media is how people reach personal blogs these days. So I figured that since I got enough mobile traffic that I’d build a more of a mobile friendly site.
I also wanted to do something a bit different, that Ive never done before as well as use colors Ive never really worked with before.

Continue reading…


Dear Summer,

You know Im going to miss you.

I love the summer time and everything that comes with it.

I love everything right now. Currently im driving down the 134 freeway, east bound, rolling through Glendale. The moon is full and hovering over the city scape. The moon isnt all that “high” in the air, its about 8pm. The moon is a dull yellow, big and absolutely gorgeous. The moon is one of my favorite things to look at, its something like hypnotic. When i look at the moon, im almost at a lost for words. My thoughts are overwhelmed with the fact that there are countless other people looking at the moon, right now, just as i am. People i will never know and never meet. This is the closest physical connection.
I think about all of the people that ive personally known and forgotten; miss or gladd to see gone; hated and or loved. I wonder if theyre looking at the moon at the same time im looking at the moon? Then i take in the fact that its only physical connection ill ever have with these people unless our paths happen to cross again.

I am happy right now

Although ive worked an 8 hour shift that didnt feature a lunch. Mainly because i wasnt all the way starving because i have been snacking on various snacks provided by a company im freelancing for these days. Ive eaten all kinds of bananas, granola bars, oatmeal, mixed nuts, somebody brought pie; by the time i looked up, it was 3:30pm. Who goes to lunch at 3:30? Lol. I could have, bit i was in the middle of something.
I absolutely love what i do for a living. Im a web developer. I build websites and do web stuff all day long. And i get paid for it; which is awesome because, i can assure you, if i wasnt at somebodies office doing this from 9 to t, id be at home doing the same damn thing in my draws, for free or in my spare time.

Its a nice warm…. fall night. Summer has passed me by. But this is Los Angles, the valley. Its warm as fuck lol. So im doing 75 on the freeway (now the 210, in upland) with the windows down, Jay-Z on the ipod. Back in Glendale, (because now im in upland) when i got a good look at the moon over the city, Jay-Zs Dear Summer came on and put a bow on the deep down good feelings im going through right now.

Im in a good mood!

One of my favorite MC’s. One of my favorite songs. The song and the sample.

I have on one of my favorite colors (red) and i still smell good from earlier (sean paul gaultier 2 – i spelled that wrong lol.). Im typing this whole entry on my phone, which i love and waited for for-fucking-ever (droid 4 — fucking verizon). I love LTE. I love where technology is these days to where I can do stuff like this while on the freeway. Im still blowed from smoking earlier; although typing this whole thing out with 2 thumbs instead of 10 fingers is proving to take longer than id like lol.

Im super happy to just be happy right now. What do i mean by that? Well, right now i have a happyness that i can feel. There are things going on in my life that would be fucking my day up if this was 2010. There would be no way i could feel as good as i do right now, back then. Even though ive had to sit through some super punk ass shit for the last week or so. More than once, more than twice. If this were 2010, id be way too pissed off and mad as hell until i addressed these punk ass people and this punk ass shit. And even after that. But im not mad. Well i am, but im not. Its not taking over my day or my thoughts. Thats what im used to. Im used to being hella mad right now. Im used to knowing all these good things were going on in my life but not being able to feel them because id be so damn mad. Or because everything wasnt exactly perfect in my life. Id only feel something like this happy if i were having a lot of fun with a lot of people, totally distracted from every last thing in my life. But that feels totally different than this. Im not happy like im having a good time.
Im just happy and appreciative. You may be reading this and thinking that im putting a lot on my feelings right now. But this feeling is new to me.
Ive seen people say they felt like this. People who cared about me wish, hope and pray that i could feel like this. And me wondering what the hell it felt like to feel like this.
Ive been jealous of people who could sit around and be happy and feel it no matter what was going on in their life for so so so long. And ive worked plenty hard to be able to have these feelings. I battled a lot of personal demons, faced a lot of pain and had to make some really hard changes.

But the way im feeling right now has made all that hard work worth it. Im not happy where im doing cartwheels down the street and pissing everybody off because im too gotdamn happy. I just am. I have a happyness that nobody else is giving me except me. My happyness has nothing to do with not a single soul on this planet.

For the past 6 or so months, ive been able to feel this way. This is the first time in my entire 33 years ive been able to feel this way. In these past few months; for the first time ever. Despite all of the solid gold bullshit ive been dealing with over these same past months; im happier than ive ever been ever. Not at this moment, just in general. The moment where the moon was right, the night was right and sound track was right, just reminded me of how im feeling overall. Its awesome. I love it.

Thats what i mean by, im super happy to be happy.

I thought id never be able to feel this way.

Im not walking around grinning from ear to ear or anything like that. But if you asked me “OJ are you happy?” My answer is yes. Before it wouldve been: eehh, everything is alright i guess, i wouldve never said yes and left it there.

🙂