February 2005 - Uhmah Park

first off… i thank my God and anybody elses God, that i got home in once peice. because let me tell you. im fucking folded. its raining hard as fuck… and i couldnt see shit.

im drunk and high as fuck.

ive had a pretty ruff day. and the homie told me about this fuction that was going on in hollywood, like thrusday. and i told him i would go. but damn…. i swear i was so cool on actually going. but i said i would. i picked my self up, and shook that shit off (my bad day)…. TWICE!

but when it was time to actually go. my day had just about kicked my ass…. and was actually finding ways to get WORSE!!! can you believe that shit? i know for one, i fucking couldnt. still went tho. because fuck it… i said i would.

so yea… here we go. i went out tonite… to two different spots, and i had a lil bit too much to drink. and smoked before i even got to jane house to pick her up. so ive been fucked up for a good while now.

i dont really believe in getting blowed, or drinking when everything aint honkey fucking doory with me. but tonite. i couldnt help it. shit was that bad today.

anyway…. i was driving home. trying to focus on the lines in the road.

and i was thinking… how would it be to be somebody else?
i dont think enough people think about how it would be, if there were somebody else. how does shit look thru thier eyes? you know how you would handle some shit, but what has happen in another persons life to make them react they way they to do shit? has it been that ruff? or has it been that lax… to the point where shit aint that serious, or more serious than it really should be?

how is it to be some one else? how is it to look they way they do… and feel about looking the way they look. how is it being them… and how would you be, being them, looking they way they look… how would you feel about your self? would you feel the same way they feel. what has lead to them feeling like that? do they have just cause? or are they hyping it? i know some beautiful girls, and too many of them dont believe they are as beautiful as the rest of the world says they are. i cant understand how that happens? its really beyond me. i be thinking they are lying to me about how they feel about themselves and the shit they think sometimes. but whatever.

anyway… i think about that shit more than i should. even looking at random people. or if its somebody i deal with daily. i think about, how would it be, to be them.

but i couldnt be any other one person on this planet. i love me. i love the person i am. i have my flaws. im not the greatest thing going. actually, in some peoples eyes…. im a bad person. lol. but that really doesnt bother me. i say.. so fuck it. oj, youre an asshole. oj youre mean. oj, youre this and that and the other. truth is… i know everything i am and aint. sometimes… ill admit, i dont wanna fess up to shit. but i cant help it. pride gets in the way sometimes. and i feel like i just MUST have the upperhand in any situation im involed in. weither im suppose to or not. lol even if i have no right having the upper hand lol. fuck it.

me… eh, i dont always know about me. and im so so so far from perfect lol. but i cant really imagine being no other way than i am. ive never ever said i wanted some one elses life. being them… having with they have, having thier expereinces that molded them and got them to the point where i would actually be like… yea, id like to be him for how ever long.

i cant see it. i can only be me. as flawed and sometimes great as i am. i suppose i have my moments. but overall, i really really like myself. im not feeling myself like that lol. im not gonna lie tho… sometimes i wish some things about me could be different… or maybe that i could let go of some of the shit i hold on to. maybe one day. maybe not.

i know i could never change who i am for some one else. i can compromise all day long. but in the end, i have to do be me. i have to do what makes me happy for me. because if i cant be happy… then whats the point of being me? i might as well suffer being some one else. and as much as i love me, and being me. i think im probably my own worst enemy. i think i hold myself back from being happy sometimes. and i think that sometimes i could try harder with somethings and let some shit go. and actually, im very very hard on myself. but thats because i want what i want. and i refuse not to be happy. at the expense of my feelings, at the expense of alot of shit. ive lost out on some things… shit that ill never see again in my life. just because i refuse not to have shit the way i want it in some instances. and honestly… it sucks, it hurts sometimes. but i believe in me… and i believe that the shit im after, will make me happiest in the long run. although… the path i take may be filled with pain and heartache, lost and hard lessions learned. but i wont never not be me. and imma do shit my way. i have to. thats just the person that i am, and will always be. i cant imagine it any other way.

even if i end up by myself. at least the only person ill have to blame is me, and im the only person that i could ever hold accountable.

in the end, it will be just me… by myself. just like i am right now… by myself. alone, drunk and high.

typing away and thinking about retarded shit.

but imma have what i want. come hell or high water. i dont care who gets in the way… my girl, my family, my friends, my enemys. i refuse to be held back. that just not me.

but now… my body is giving in to all the alchole and smoke. and ive feel asleep typing this like twice ( im soooooo fucked lol )


i know im lazy… i care… but then again. im too lazy to care. it would take too much work. i try to work on it. and i am. but i get lazy and say fuck it.

if blinking wasnt an involentary function, id have dry eye problems for sure lol.

im pretty sure its a crime some where some how to be this lazy. probably in jamacia where niggas got lik 7 jobs n shit.

anyway lol.

Max got his domain back, and for black history month, he has been doing reviews of black movies. he also has had the occasational guest spot.

i was also featured on the site, i did a review of the movie Hoodlum, one of my favorite movies of all times.

this nigg max told me my shit was due on the 17th… a nigga like me went and rented the movie and watched it the night before lol. finished that shit at like 3 in the morning and emailed it in like it was that hot home work assignment lol.

anyway… you can see it at:

www.bolivion.com

copy and paste niggas… im too lazy to link it up.

lol.


before i ask this question…
let me explain why i say, “Would you, for 5g’s”, because 5g’s aint alot of money… but it is, but it aint lol. its enough for you to say fuck it… i aint doing that shit!! but its enough to pay off some bills and buy something you been wanting to save up for.
you know what time sayin?
but chances are, if you would do it for 5k, youd do it for 50 bucks too lol.

So now, on to my question.

Would you, for Five Thousand Smackers, kiss a mentally retarded person? not just any mentally retarded person. window lickin, noise making, droolin sometimes, walk funny, talk funny. all that… im not crackin jokes. im talkin about all the shit people mock when they speak on mentally retarded individuals.
And im not talkin about a peck… im talkin about a open kiss in the mouth, touge kiss. for at least 20 seconds.

Think about it, visually see your self doing that shit.
you know you went to highschool with somebody that meets tha criteria.
Could you?
Would you?
lol


Today… i said goodbye to an old friend.

although many disliked him. he has really never done me wrong, when he could help it. i used to stick up for him time and time again. defended him from many threats and bullshit.

i had is back.

sigh, but times change. and shit changes… it just got harder and harder to defend him. he got old, he got slow. im an impatient internet surfer.

so today i said goodbye to Internet Explorer.

i had been using firefox on and off. but now… i am a full time firefox user.

today is the end of a era… and the begining of better browswing. i realize this. i know this. but i feel werid for some reason lol.

maybe im just werid lol i dont really like change all that much lol.

BUT TABBED BROWSWING CRACKS!!!

YES!!!!!

no more many windows open… fuckin shit up!!!

MORE POWER TO ME!!!


I have been called “mean” by just about everybody i know. Including both my parents. OJ is fucking mean. whatever… im not THAT mean.
ive even heard of people ( no one in particular… honestly ) that did not want to fuck with me, because they was afraid that i was too mean… whatever. im not THAT gotdamn mean, not mean enough to strike fear in another human beings heart lol.

anyway….

the other day ( maybe like the other month lol ) i was talkin to the homie, and i dont rememeber exactly what we was talking about, but we brought up a person… some random person, it was a girl i think. and i was sharing my thoughts with the homie… i say……

you know… i like her, shes cool. but for some reason… i think she looks like she smells like piss.

of course the homie was a bit thrown back by this… like how does a muthafucka LOOK like they SMELL like piss?

my answer to that is?
i dont fuckin know lol. they just do.

is it because said individual is rather unattractive?
no… to tell the truth. the person i was talking about, isnt ALL that attractive, yet not tottally repulsive either. on the MLSS shes hittin about mid 50’s. but thats just my opinion based off what ive seen.

so OJ, why does this person, look like they smell like piss to you?
man… i dont know. they just do. like if i was around that person, id be expecting the aroma of urine. call me mean, call me werid, call me whateverthehellelse. thats just what i think lol. im probably wrong about this persons aroma (i hope i am… but a part of me kinda hopes im right lol), and i realize that. but i cant help but think that if i was to give this person a hug or had some kinda contact with them, that i would get a swift wiff of piss.

maybe its because this one person in particular actually LOOKS slightly similar to a girl i met in school………. that actually smelled like piss. it was faint, but it was definitly piss. she smelled like she slept in a corner that people took drunken pisses in often. or maybe she was a janitor or something (no she wasnt an immigrant you racist fucks! lol) im sorry… she just did. shit was gross. i think she used to have a thing for me. thinking back, i do remember having to avoid this person more than i should have had to, shit was ruff for a nigga! dah. its done its over with, ill probably never see this person again ever in my life. and if i do… she wont smell like piss… so i wont remember her ( lmao ok… that made me laugh. ). i wont remember her because i dont remember her name or what she looks like EXACTLY. i would probably think that she looks like the girl i used to know that smelled like piss. but chances are… she doesnt still smell like piss (i hope not lol)… or even look 19, 18 or whatever she was when i knew her.
she went to the college i went to… no i didnt go to fuckin bum college or no shit lol. and i dont know why this girl thought it was ok to walk around smelling like urine. but she did. and the shit sucked. bad. lol. maybe she didnt realize it. or was just used to it… or couldnt help it. who knows.

anyway…

ive actually known more than one person that smelled like piss. what is it about me that i could have POSSIBLY have known more than two people in my life to smell like piss? fuck if i know. i have a sensitive nose tho… i dont miss many smells lol.
so yea… since ive had actual encounters with people whos aroma resembles the smell of piss. the thought does enter my mind… when i see some one… damn, they look like they could possibly smell like piss.

is that mean?
eeeehhh i dont think so. its just what i think… and i dont think its mean.
ill admit it might be a tad offbeat. yea… ok… and thats fine. but mean? no. but i guess other people might think its mean (fuckem). the homie ( cant remember who it was… could have been calvin ) thought it was pretty cold. but eeehh whatever.

i do realize by posting this… SOME BODY, while reading this ( if they havent already ) is going to stop… and try to smell themselves and think… damn? do I smell like piss? lol ahh oh i wish i could be there to see that shit. or better yet… id REALLY like to see the person peeking over in the mirror or thinking about thier look… wondering if they might look like they might have thier personal space smelling like piss. ( on a side note… i wonder what that look exactly looks like lol ) lol damn id really love to see that.

but anyway… like i was saying… by posting this. i know somebody is gonna ask me WHO im talking about, or do i think THEY LOOK LIKE they smell like piss. and honestly… dont waste your time, im not going to tell you. lol id lie to you first lol. and dont TRY to be slick, and ask me some round about punk ass question. on some “well… oj, what do i look like i smell like??”
now that shit there, will get you something you DEFINITLY do not want to hear. i might just tell you that you look like you smell like a fuckin Hatian Thunder Skunk or some shit. (lol dont ask me to explain that one! lol)

just let me werid, or mean, or whatever… by myself lol. i hadnt posted in a few days (not that im here to entertain muthafuckas) so i figured id post something that ran across my mind real quick. lol.