i dont know why it took me so long to post this… but i typed it out so long ago. and its been sitting on my desktop. anyway…. i have a long ass story to tell about some shit that i did / happen to me on some random day, my 11th grade year.
sigh… actually truth be told. i was considering not even posting this shit anywhere for a soul to read because this might turn muthafuckas off to me. like ugh… he is so skanless / fucked up… muthafuckas already think im mean because i cuss alot. ( scarymuthfuckas ). I am actually lol but im not as mean as people think. really. ask anybody. just not the next two muthafuckas im about to speak on!
there was this girl that i didnt really wanna fuck with no more, and she was trying HELLA HARD to be my girlfriend… like she wouldnt take my bullshiting her for a NO at all. i guess its my fault… all i wanted to do was cut anyway lol. so i used to keep her around a lil bit. Well… one day a bunch of us went to the movies like at 10 am ( we was still in high school … 11th gragde )… me her and my cousin, his girl at the time… and the homie Lonnie, who was suppose to be up there with his girl… but she flaked… and he was the 5th wheel. lol
Before movie number 2, she gets up to go to the restroom… and its just me and Lonnie sittin there… and i lean over like… “nigga, this girl is over here pissing me the fuck off! she keep talking this girlfriend shit, KNOWING i dont wanna be with her.”
lonnie is on some “damn really… ha ha!”
then i come up with the greatest plan in history lol… I say “dogg… do me a favor right…. try to kiss her!”
this nigga could not believe i thought of that shit, puzzled as hell, he looks at me like I done lost my gotdamn mind and asks me why? Me being me… i wasnt about to be on some james bond villain type shit and divulge my whole plan… plus… ol girl was dark as fuck… and it was dark in there… if she walked back up i wouldnt have seen her till it was too late lol. ( dark people, please don’t give me no bullshit, I like dark girls, love em… im pretty dark my damn self, but hey… it’s the truth. Dark people will sneak up on yo ass given the chance… at least I know I will! LOL). So now I go into my convince a nigga mode and tell Lonnie ” nigga just do it… and youll see later. it will be the guts…. i promise. ” ( me and my friends aint shit… we will do anything for a laugh. ) Im pretty damn manipulative when I wanna be. And with that being fact, Lonnie went for it. so… the girl im fuckin with gets back… her name is shaylah by the way. she gets back… i let like 10 min past… and im I make an announcement: “damn i gotta piss…. “, i get up and leave… hit the corner and watch these niggas for a good 10 min… NOTHING happens… im like FUCK! oh well… i guess this nigga couldnt pull if off… i come back after like another 5 min ( i really did have to piss ) and they are sittin next to each other… i peek over at this nigga… and he was like no dice! oh well.
To put you in the right time frame, what happen was, for whatever reason, we was out of school this particular day, it was like a thrusday or some shit. And There isn’t much for a teenager to do in Fontana CA, at least not in 1995/1996… when ever it was. So we thought it would be a good idea to go to the movies all gotdamn day and theater hop, it was like a Thursday, wasn’t nobody there, fuck it! So all this previous action went down while we were waiting for the Muppet Movie to start ( who remembers the muppet movie? ), you know… during the previews n shit. Sigh, I don’t know what the fuck kinda brain malfunctions Lonnies black ass suffered from. But he was DEATHLY afraid of The Muppets. Actually he is afraid of any puppet, teddy bear, doll, etc. AND THEN TO SEE THE MUTHAFUCKAS MOVE?!?! Oh boy. I have personally, with my own two eyes, seen this nigga Lonnie jump RIGHT out of his skin more than three times. ( im about to speak on one of those times, can you tell? LOL ) . Like I said before, and ill say again and again till muthafuckas learn… I aint SHIT. I lead Shaylah and Lonnie into this theater after we had seen some other shit, KNOWING that the muppet movie was about to show. Was it a setup?
HELL MUTHAFUCKIN YES!
Not only am I not shit… my friends and cousins aint either, and scaring Lonnie, NEVER got old. NEVER… till the day we cut that nigga off. That shit really never got old. My man wasn’t even putting on a show either, he was really fucking petrified.
So ok… like I said… the previews was showing… they had to be a long ass set of previews… because two people went to take pisses. ( me and shaylah. ) Lonnie failed in his mission to kiss Shaylah, and it looks like OJ is doomed to get a ear full of girlfriend talk for the rest of the muthafuckin day. Oh well. Fuck it. Because very shortly, when the Main Attraction hits the screen, there will be TWO attractions in this bitch, the movie… and a nigga who is way too gotdamn old to be scared of puppets!
Now before I go into this… let me also explain how fucking DARK Lonnie is. Lonnie is so dark, you can barely make out his eye brows and his hairline. Real shit. Nobody knew this nigga at age 17/18 was developing a double coatasack, you know, when a muthafucka go bald and instead of his hairline falling back down the middle… there are two “retreat lines” from the sides kinda circular n shit. So yea… nobody knew about that shit except for me because I cut the nigga hair. But I didn’t edge him up………… because I couldn’t make out that nigga hair line lol. see? lol
So ok. The movie starts… and I think the muppet named Animal comes on the screen first. THIS NIGGA Lonnie goes white girl on me, and sucked in all kinda wind with the biggest “GASP!” ive ever bared witness to, lol. He was so taken back! He was so shocked. He was so fucking TERRIFIED!! The mutahfucka leaned all the way back trying to get away from the screen but he couldn’t kick in front of him hard enough or climb out his seat fast enough. He was STUCK! In a bind! No where to go… he was in the mighty mighty clutches of his own fear! I was waiting for this nigga to turn white…. Then…….. He reached over and clutched my fucking arm, and twist my shirt all the fuck up like he was giving birth, and with a ton of sheer terror deeply saturated in this niggas voice he yells out “OJ!!! OJ!!!!! GASP!!! NIGGA LOOK!!! OJ!!! NIGGA!!! IT’S THE MUPPETS!!! NO OJ!!! OJ NOO!!!”
I think by then, the jig was fucking up holmes, and the pungent aroma of betrayal, okie doke, and pure FEAR was released into the air like a sudden unexpected release of flatulence by the Poot Phantom him self. You know, just snuck the fuck up on… caught slippin at the light like. And once you been got, there is that moment of shock and horror. Then the realization that you are SO ASSED OUT! Speaking of which, after screaming out all that shit… as scared as he was, im surprised that he didn’t shit him self right there. This man, buried his fuckin head into arm, closed his eyes and fuckin screamed loud as shit. This muthafucka had lil white kids in the movies askin they moms what the fuck what his gotdamn problem n shit. Muthafuckas was lookin at us strange… getting up and moving. There was only like 8 muthafuckas in the movie theater ( your gonna have to remember that later on ) but still lol. Anyway…
Here go OJ “No Heart”, playing dumb, I say to him very calm and whatthefuckish “dogg… calm down, its only the muppets… see… there go Kermit nigga.”
This asshole, looks up… and screams again! ” NIGGA!!!! OOOO!!!! NOO!!! THEY GONE GET ME NIGGA!!!!”
Me… still in Host of Terror mode “……umm nigga… from the screen?”
And this ill never forget, this nigga looks up at me, eyes big as fuck… remember… Lonnie is darker than a thousand midnights…. So all I really see is the side of his face BARELY and two eyes… im not fuckin playin… that’s it… thas all I saw… this muthafucka looked directly in my eyes and was like… ” NIGGA YES!!! THEY WILL GET YOU TOO!!! *looks at the screen* OH NIGGA!! SHIT!!! OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE YOU GOT ME IN THIS SHIT!!”
Lmao woooo… why is it that every time I set a muthafucka up, they talking that I cant believe this shit, shit. Lol ( see bumble bee story ).
Anyway.. Shaylah is on the other side of me and she is fuckin rollin… telling me how fucked up I am. But steadily laughin at the poster boy for S.A.N. (Scary Ass Niggas) Worldwide.
As the ongoing terror continues… I say to Lonnie, ” well nigga, why don’t you get up and leave if youre so scared”
Lonnie explains to me ” WHAT?!?!? NIGGA I CANT!!! IM TOO SCARED!!! WHAT IF THEY TRY TO COME AFTER ME ON THE WAY OUT”
I WANTED to say to the muthafucka… ” Well nigga… you making enough noise for them to get pissed off and jump out the screen, to shut ya black ass up” which really would have been perfect. but I couldn’t… because I was done… my calm cool collective instigate this shit to no endness was fucking GONE. That shit did me in, I couldn’t hold it any fucking longer… the tears started to fucking flow homie… I was laughin like a muthafucka… I was no fuckin good. If them muppets would have really jumped out the fuckin screen to chop us up, I would have been a big ass nigga ca-bob… oh did I mention it was the muppet pirate movie? So these muthafuckas had swords n shit… this, yes… added to the Lonnies own personal horror show lol. Man… for like a good 5 minutes… that seemed like forever… this nigga Lonnie was scared shitless… too scared to get up and leave… clutchin my fuckin arm. Every so often, looking up to check and see if them the muppets was still on the fuckin screen. He would look up… scream ” OOOH SHIT!! ” and put his head back in my arm… mean while… im powerless, due to the laughter that has completely over come me lol. All this shit climaxes after so long, because this nigga Lonnie just couldn’t take it no fucking more… he was says to me “NIGGA I CAN HEAR THEY VOICEES!!! THEY VOICES IS IN MY HEAD DOGG!!!… OH MY GOD NOOOOOOOO!!!” and got up and ran out the muthafuckin movie theature screaming like a muthafucka…
I swear to GOD I damn near pissed on my self right fuckin there. WOOOO Shit!!! That shit was the muthafuckin guts. Ill never ever forget it lol.
But now… its just me and shayla in this theater… and a couple of other random people… spread out, far away from us… thanks to Lonnie screamin his ass off. All of a sudden… shayla decides she wants to give a nigga head… and was just about her bidness…
JANKY bidness… because after LESS Than 2 min… she pops back up… like… “i cant do it… its just too gross… if you cum on me ill throw up!”
I WAS SO HOT! steaming mad in fact… but did i go off? noooooo… did i call her all kinda names? noooooo. honestly… im way too mean for that… i decided to get my revenge in another way. I say to her… “ooh. well its cool… dont worry about it. no big deal. …… …….. thats why we will never be together though.” ( YES! I told you I wasn’t shit )
a look that can only be described as, disappointment and disgust over took her grill. and dammit it took a whole lot for me not to laugh in her face. Mind you I had just finished laughin at Lonnies black ass. sweet revenge, oh, sweet revenge. anyway… so later that night… we took the bus back home and we are walking to the house. its me lonnie and shayla. and i break off from the group… i ran over to the adult school because it was open and people was playin basketball in the gym… and i wanted to see who was ballin… i go… i come back and hit the corner… who do i see slobbin it up?!?! Lonnie and Shayla…. at first… i broke into a mini celerbration like OH SHIT! HELLYEA! its on now. I instantly begin to plot my cutherblackassoff scheme…. then i remembered… OH NO! i had gotten head from this girl earlier ( as brief as it was, I mean she still had plently of fresh oj dick in her mouth… it was a few hours later… but still you know?) and i forgot to tell lonnie….. lol oops. Lol well really I didn’t have a chance to tell that nigga… but…….. oops! Too muthafuckin late now nigga!
i waited till they was done… and came back around the corner… like man aint nobody in there… lets go.
we get back to the house… and me and shaylah are outside waiting for her moms.
and im like “… shaylah… i saw you kissing lonnie.”
She was SHOCKED “REALLY?!?! did he tell you?”
I explain “nawww… i saw yall”
Then this bitch is on some “… well i guess it dont matter, because you didnt wanna be with me no way.”
Enter skanless ass OJ, lyin like a muthafucka, can of gasoline and matches in hand… at the base of the bridge ready to set this muthafucka ABLAZE! lol i say to her “well… i was considering it… but now im like fuck it, you kissin my best friend n shit… what kinda girlfriend would you really be? i asked lonnie to see if he could kiss you, to determine if i could be with you or not… and you blew it.”
EN FUEGO! this girl caught fucking fire… got pissed… started yellin at me… then tried to beat my muthafuckin ass lmao. she hit me hard as fuck… and im backin up from her… she swining at my black ass… with tears in my eyes n shit… im trippin over my own feet, because i was laughin so gotdamn hard. she was on some… i hate you i hate you… you muthafucka yap yap yap. It only added to her anger that I was laughin my black ass the off… but I couldn’t help it, that shit was funny as fuck… im sorry. by the time her mom got to my house… i had managed to get on another side of a car… fending her off with the old ghetto move lol i couldnt stop laughin tho… her mom pulled up and was sittin there lookin at her like what in the fuck is wrong with you? and she finially got in the car. I waves like tuda-fucking-lou bitch!! With a big ass smile on my face! as for Lonnie… he lived a house over… after she left… i went over there… still laughin with tears in my eyes… and told that nigga what happen…. and we all had a nice laugh. and FUCK NO… i did NOT tell that nigga that she gave me head earlier that day. lol And he will never know! Presently, I don’t speak to that nigga… we aint cool no more… but fuck that… that nigga will shoot me lol. he would have shot me that day lol lol thas some shit you ( and the mutual friends yall have ) take to your GRAVE!!
ah… this story always makes me laugh. this shit took place WAY before The Bumble Bee Story
but, sigh… i have a confession to make. the girl… Shaylah. is the Ashy Back/Titty Girl. Yes yes…. it was before this happen though. which was part of my reason for trying to ex her out my damn life so harshly. she forced my hand… i had to take the oppertunity when i saw it. it worked……. for a lil while. she came back. and imma sucker for tall dark girls… even if they arent the most attractive muthafuckas ever. so like an asshole… i started fuckin with her again. and still, she had ashy ass titties… sad really, they would have been nice if they wasnt so fucking dry.
dah… what can a nigga do? i tried to kinda speak on it. but honestly… i may not be shit… but to tell a girl who is hot for you, and naked…. “say, did you fucking happen to notice that your breast are in desperate need of lotion?” is just too fucked up, even for my black ass. oh well… i hope somebody let her ass know one day. my dad ran into her recently… i havent seen her in years. My dad calls my black ass… wakes me up, is like guess who i ran into? im all groggy n shit and asks who? he throws her ass on phone and she is on some HIGH! GUESS WHO? im irritated by now because i dont like to be woken up like who the fuck is this?!?! ITS SHAYLAH SILLY!
oh my fuckin GOD! i couldnt believe that shit.
to make a long ass story just a couple of lines shorter… i never called her. well i did but the line was busy and then i lost the number ( kinda on purpose ) when i moved. dah well.
i know i hardly ever post on this bitch. and well… so? lol but maybe this long ass story makes up for a week plus of me not posting shit. ive been considering just hangin this shit up. because i might be out of shit to say. but really what it is… sometimes posting these entries can take a min, and i got work to do. so yea…. ive been thinking of making a lil sign up for people to join a mailing list to be notified when i post some shit. but i dont know… we’ll see. anyway. im out.