Round 1- for anybody that missed tha shit and dont know what im talkin about
i would firstly like to say… reguardless of what people may think, believe or desire to be the truth. i do not post shit on this site to entertain anybody, well… maybe my self, and a few of my friends.
but really…. i just post some of the shit that i go thru or that might be on a nigga mind at tha moment. i dont sit up and come with material like this is stand up. because if i did… id charge muthafuckas to read this shit lol ( which aint soundin like such a bad idea because i saw tha stats for this shit. ) so once again. im not tryin to entertain nobody, my days just happen to be filled with bullshit, dumb shit and retarded shit. Some people think that shit is funny for whatever reason. its cool. some time it is… i make my damn self laugh so… hey.
Today, i had to make yet another dreaded apperance at church… tha same church from round 1 ( thats why this is round two ). The reason i had to even go to chuch? Well… my GrandFather is a Preacher. He has his own church… and what goes on is, every year… there is this thing called pastor apperication day or something along those lines… annerversery or some shit. its basiclly a celerbration of when tha pastor comes to the church to head up tha church and what not. i think tha shit is kinda mob like… because tha nigga gets all kinds of gifts and money and whatever else. bigger tha church… the greater the gifts.
the last couple of years i got out the shit. basiclly what happen is i gave my moms like 50 bucks and she went and put that shit in tha collection plate or tha money tree or whatever they got him. sigh. but this time i wasnt so damn lucky. no amount of money was gettin me out of this shit, this time. Why? i dont know really… he just demaded our attendence. so i had to show my black ass up. i found out on about thursday that i had to go… and since then ive had a bad headache that wont fuckin go away ( till today of course ) walkin around pissed off because i REALLY REALLY didnt wanna go. i absolutly hate going to church… i feel like my soul desinergrates as tha minutes pass during my attendance.
so, i arrive. with my moms and sister, late. everybody that reconizes us does tha whisper high, how yall doin thing… good tah see ya baybe. yea yea yea. im sittin there.. and once again… i start to notice lil shit.
You know those fans they put in the chruch? the hand fans. Why in tha fuck is there ALWAYS a ad for a funeral home or cemetery? thats kinda fucked up. And then… to make tha murder complete… they have pictures of the people that either own or run tha shit… and they be old as hell them DAMN selves. its like well gotdamn? who gonna need your services first homie? you or me? foreal dogg… when tha muhfuckas i know have to visit… YOU AINT gonna be there. well… you’ll be THERE…. “THERE” you just wont be able to assist my black ass when i need to put somebody in tha dirt… you will be in that dirt im askin how much it will cost to put down my loved one lol.
Why dont churches advertise some shit that tha people who attend service and REALLY use sometime in tha near future ( not inclusive of those individuals with a foot in the grave ).
Such as Debt consoladation. its a well known fact that most black people are deep as shit in debit. shit i know i am… most tha muhfuckas i know are too. lol im pretty sure 80% of church goers could use some help with they bills… half them niggas but up in there prayin for help with they muthafuckin bills ANYWAY. shit…
Hair Dressers. they should advertise in church… church goers always get they “head did” for church. they be up in there with they shit whiped the hell up.
Wieght Loss is somethin else they should advertise in church. There be so many big people in church… big as hell. for no reason… aint gulttoney a sin anyway? how you get so big only 3 other people can fit on tha bench with yo ass? that dont make no damn sence!! i know half way to them being that big they had to notice… less and less people are sitting by me these days… i wonder what in tha fuck is going on here. but i guess not. anyway…
construction? maybe not… but how bout we get somethin out that building fund tho? add some stalls to tha bathroom… some FUCKIN AIR CONDITIONING!!!!! some EXHAUST FANS??!?!? it be hot as fuck in there with all that fuckin recycled air!! let some of that shit out…shit… muthafucka up there talkin about how he wanna go to heaven and not hell… but yet im sittin my black ass next to tha biggest blackest muthafucka ever, HOT AS SHIT… cant fuckin breath because its humid as fuck in here. im sweatin like a muthafucka and aint really moved all that much… im just next to a human suna rock over in this muthafucka and cant get a breath of freash air. ummm IM SUFFERING! i dont wanna fuckin be here… FUCK THAT SOUND LIKE TO YOU?!?!? gotdammit… spend some of that fuckin money unhellifying this muthafucka… YOU up there sweatin out your fuckin suit n shit… sweatin out your perm/jheri curl/fro ( because thats tha only hair cut preachers have… for tha most part lol… ) IT FEELS LIKE LIL HELL UP IN HERE DOGG!! damn… i know that building fund is deep… AC MUTHAFUCKAS AC!!! get a fuckin TRAINE…. get finaced make payments!! church is 4 times a month… with people givin money for the building fund four times a month with a average of 2 to 4 bucks thas damn near 10 bucks from everybody in there tell me thats not enough for a AC payment?!?! damn man. ol unpleasnt ass experince the fans from rite aid/walmart DONT WORK that good… tha hand fans is ASS BACKWARDS!! damn. ac muthafuckas ac… please!! do your fans…. members a fuckin favor. anyway… get some up to date decorations. softer benches… HELLO!!?! how you gonna expect me to be in this fuckin place for gotdammit 2 to 3 hours… and the bench is hard as fuckin fuck?? that aint fuckin fair! i aint seen in tha bible no where… Thou shalt be uncomfortable while in tha house of the lord. DONT HE WANT PEOPLE TO COME?? shouldnt they be comfortable while they praisin his name man?!?! damn. make em wanna come back… they need to make decons and ministers attend a customer service classes. shit… get some return customers… umm i mean visitors lol.
Also… somebody needs to go to a church and offer to advertise Jheri Curl touch up! Church is tha LARGEST GATHERING of individuals with jheri curls ever. oh so many curls… and they just be so terrible.. if your gonna fuck up… at least fuck up all tha way there homie… let there be MOISTURE MAN!! gotdamn!! you done already blew by even bussin the curl. but then its dry… sometime people shit be moist in the middle and DRY along the edges… or visa versa… kinda shit is that?!?! i mean foreal.. why? well maybe because it be SO FUCKIN HOT in there and they shit DRY UP! it aint like you can exactly get out tha jheri juice and spruce yo shit up. i guess. i dunno… ive never had one. i dont fuckin know.
Why doesnt somebody start a clothing line called “Church Clothes”? just make nothing but clothes for church. they would clean tha fuck up. all they have to do is open a store and advertise in tha local churches lol.
Somebody also needs to sell ginsing or some ginkobaloba (sp) or whatever that shit is that helps you remember shit… now… cell phones are cheaper than ever… why during service muthafuckas cant remember to shut they shit off??! or put it on vibrate?!?! dont yo ass be up in here every fuckin sunday?! u know that shit is rude!! muhfuckas is up in here tryin to watch tha show!! i mean listening to tha sermon! you fuckin up people holy ghost man!! holy ghost fuck around and pass you by because you say to your self… ” whos FUCKIN phone is that?!?!? ” damn hethen! holy ghost wants no parts of you now lol
they also need that shit because muhfuckas be up on tha stage forgetin people names… forgettin what they was gonna say… mixin shit up and everything else.
Time out… Why did the church i was at… have a lil girl who shook tha tamberine RIGHT ON QUE… like while the preacher was up there yellin n spittin on tha mic n shit… i couldnt believe that shit… she wasnt even old enough to understand what was goin on. she was sittin up there talkin with her lil sister… fightin n shit… then right at tha correct moment… shake shake shake… i was like wow… i wanted to shake her hand after tha show was ……. church was over… but i forgot.
Is it me? or is church the greatest gathering of people with glasses? everybody in tha muhfucka had on glasses… i was like damn… well time out… i suppose a computer convention would be tha greatest… but ratioly speaking… i bet church comes in a hot second.
They also need to advertise fashion tip classes… for one… because people be up in there fuckin BLOWING it… i dont giva fuck who you are… some of the shit these people be havin on… there is really no excuse for. for two… hey… muhfuckas be competing… spending all kinda money to look they best anyway… why not play offa that shit? i would if i had time lol.
why doesnt a doctor advertise… somebody is ALWAYS sick or fucked up or somethin is wrong with a member of the church that we should keep in our prayers.
oh yea… why i catch like three church goers raising the roof? or at least doing a primitive verison of that shit? now i know where that shit came from lol
in the begining of church… they need to hand out walkie talkies or two ways… that way muhfuckas aint spending half of chruch tryin to send hand signals and lip read somebody else half way across the church. shit… they need to teach sign langauge in sunday school.
in sunday school… they also need a tad bit of science class… somebody needs to tell these people that IF you WAVE THAT HAND FAN… its only gonna do two things. its gonna cool tha muthafucka next to you off… and make YOU hotter than you was when you started wavin that shit.
but i guess tho.
i sat there… again… didnt really wanna miss shit… but i did get up a couple of time… my ass was hurtin… i couldnt help it… i got up and called a couple people. went in tha back room… they BLEW it because they had a tv… watched a lil bit of tha laker game. walked back out.
lol and during tha time i was actually in there. i called syl and let her listen in… because shes never been to a black church and shes only seen tha shit on tv… she didnt think that shit was real… i was tryin to tell her that shit is right on point. lol she heard first hand… i called during key moments of the A selection lol when the lady who was singin some song… had everybody standin up and cryin… then walked off the stage still hollarin n shit… YEEAAAAa… *everybody else* YYYYEEEEAAA *her* YEEEAAAAAA *everybody else* YYYEEEAAAA… in her seat n shit… singin lil parts of tha song. everybody rockin… tryin to calm down.
Then i called her back when the guest preacher ( not my grand father ) got up there and start proformin……. preachin… and was signin n shit… had tha deacons and tha nigga on tha organ goin… with tha lil girl shakin tha tamberine right on time and everybody who was feelin that shit… rockin… rasin the roof, sayin amen, cell phones goin off and wavin they hand fans with tha funeral homes on them shits.
i hate church… but that shit is mildly entertaining.
Round 3… next year.
if my fiddy dolla donation doesnt fly of course… fuck that. lol